


Buried Treasure

by amandroid



Category: Good Game (TV 2017)
Genre: An unsuccessful lap dance, Attempted Masturbation, Barebacking, Bisexuality, Blow Jobs, Brief Mention of Vomit, Co-Dependency, Cuddling & Snuggling, Demisexuality, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Drunk driving (sort of), Drunken Flirting, Drunken Kissing, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Jealousy, M/M, Pole Dancing, Possible ghost activity, Sharing a Bed, Spooning, Unrequited Love, Verbal Humiliation, lots of No homo moments, mention of self-harm, slight Daddy kink/ageplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-01-09 16:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 48,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12280227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amandroid/pseuds/amandroid
Summary: Alex sends Ryland on a treasure hunt, the journey taking him through the memories they shared together but will Ryland be satisfied when he gets to where X marks the spot?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know but...guys. Good Game ruined me. I had to write a thing. This is gonna get angsty a fuuuuck  
> Also, I should note, I got the character names from IMDB. If they're wrong, I'll change them. Just know I tried O.o;

For once, Ryland wasn’t woken up by the sound of his alarm clock going off or even since recently, the road work going on seemingly directly behind the apartment building. Hell, he was more used to walking up to the upbeat but still annoying first thing in the morning sound of Alex playing Crash Bandicoot during his morning wake and bake and giggling until he was out of breath and wheezing at the death animations.

 

No, what woke him up was the smell of frying bacon. It was so uncommon that after the aroma of sizzling meat reached his nose and hearing the pop and bubbling of hot fat and oil, he sprang out of bed out with the thought that something was terribly wrong. Was Alex trying to COOK something?!

 

Sluggish and uncoordinated, he stumbled out of bed and ran out of his room, running into a basket of laundry sitting idle in the middle of the open living area and knocking it over on the way to the kitchen.

 

He stopped and let his tired eyes really open and focus. 

 

Alex was standing by the stove in his sleep shirt, underwear, and socks, nudging the strips of bacon around in the pan with a spatula. It should have a normal sight except for one thing: Alex almost never took the initiative to cook. Usually, it amounted to just making toast or if he was feeling fancy, boil-in-the-bag rice before Ryland shelled out for a rice cooker to save his roommate the trouble.

 

Alex must have heard him run up to the source of the smell because he turned and smiled in that dopey, serene way that completely Alex’s. “Hey, buddy. You’re up early.”

 

Ryland frowned, almost in suspicion. “Hey...what are you doing?”

 

“Makin’ bacon,” Alex said simply before adding. “And some English muffins. Do you want honey or butter OR…” He tilted his head back thoughtfully. “Ooooh...honey AND butter?”

 

Ryland blinked. “I...I mean what? No, _why_ are you making breakfast? You almost _never_ cook.” His expression turned into a scowl. “Have you been a good cook this whole time and just never fuckin’ told me?”

 

“What? No, I mean...I’m not chef level at anything. Tch, you know me, man. The only creative thing I can do with food is mixing the Ramen flavor packets together.”

 

“True. So…” he circled around the dining table and sank down in the chair. “What, you’re just making breakfast because...?”

 

“What, I can’t make breakfast for my special guy?”

 

Ryland’s frown deepened. _Special guy?? Where the hell did that come from?!_

 

“Are you trying to poison me?!”

 

Alex giggled, wrinkling his nose at him. “NO!”

 

“Then are you trying to angle for something? Is this because I pawned your guitar?”

 

“Pfff, of course not. I forgot all about that. Just...god, why can’t I just make you breakfast just because? Why does there have to an ulterior motive?”

 

Ryland huffed and rubbed the back of his neck. He was jumping to a LOT of conclusions, seemingly no reason. Maybe it was just nothing. “I dunno. I guess not.”

 

“Ooh! Actually, I could make an egg McMuffin thing!” With that sudden thought in his head, Alex slipped his sideways across the slippery kitchen floor the fridge in his socks, pulling out a carton of eggs and Ryland watched this go on with mild amusement, putting his head in his hand. God, Alex was like a puppy sometimes. 

 

“My other theory was you were trying to get me off my Pixie Stix and Fanta for breakfast diet.”

 

Alex scoffed. “I mean, you should get off that quote-unquote diet anyway. It’s bad for your teeth. Probably.”

 

“I mean...yeah.” As Alex cracked the eggs into a saucepan, Ryland popped his lips in thought. “Are you like...on some new medication or something?”

 

Alex laughed. “Dude, just stop trying to guess what’s up with me. Just…I ‘unno. I wanted to do something nice for you. Just ‘cause.”

 

Maybe it was as simple as that. It wasn’t exactly unheard of. Alex liked to do nice things for him, sometimes for no reason at all. That was just the kind of guy he was. As much as their living situation was less than ideal and as much as he’d prefer Alex get some kind of income besides taking surveys online in between cat-naps, it was kind of nice, all things considered.

 

He wasn’t paying attention as Alex dropped a plate of his egg, and bacon English muffin sandwich in front of him, fluffing up his hair as sat down with his own and he gave his roommate a small smile of gratitude before taking an experimental bite. He was expecting a lot of things: Alex over seasoning the eggs, not seasoning them enough, the eggs being burnt, the bacon being burned. But no, it was actually edible. More than edible, it was good. Not weep with joy good but good. He chewed, seeing Alex look at him with an expectant smile.

 

“Good?”

 

Ryland swallowed. “Yeah, actually. It’s pretty good.”

 

Alex beamed. “Sweet!” He took a bite of his own sandwich and hummed. “Got anything planned for today?”

 

“Tch, as opposed to any other day? Not really.”

 

“Hmm. In-ter-resting.”

 

Ryland’s eyes widened as Alex made a big show of hopping off the chair and scuttling to the fold-out sofa bed and coming back with a piece of paper sporting a lot of wrinkles and creases that Alex folded and unfolded before coming back to the dining table, gasping with childish delight.

 

“Hey now, what’s _this_? Ryland, it looks like a...treasure map!”

 

Ryland scowled slightly. “Really.”

 

He looked at the piece of paper carefully. Alex was his roommate and friend long enough to tell what his handwriting looked like, even if he tried to fancy it up by writing it in an ornate Olde English font with fine-line Sharpie.

 

He looked up with a raised eyebrow. “ ‘Capn’ Alex’s Super Awesome Valentine’s Day Treasure Hunt’?”

 

Oh yeah, it _was_ Valentine’s Day. Not that it mattered. It’d been ages since he had a girlfriend for Valentine’s Day to be a big deal. Usually, Valentine’s Day was only notable for the fact he and Alex would hit Walmart and the dollar stores for half-price candy like chocolate box samplers and Peeps, go home and get stupid high and then get stupid nauseous watching trashy horror movies. Definitely not anything in keeping with the intended “spirit” of the holiday but it didn’t matter. It was practically a tradition. 

 

“Yeah, y'know...I thought... It might be fun. Get out you out the house for a while.”

 

Ryland’s expression didn’t change. “Get me out of the house for what?”

 

Alex tilted his head and pursed his lips. “Ry, I noticed you were getting kinda bummed lately. I just thought...we put our traditional V-day Sick-athon on hold one year just this once. ” Ryland flinched as Alex squeezed his shoulders and then shook him from side to side in his chair, cooing in a sing-songy voice. “There’s a treasure at the end....”

 

Ryland scoffed lightly, smiling despite himself. Alex’s enthusiasm could oscillate from infectious to just plain exhausting but what could he say? The breakfast put him in a much more receptive mood than he might have been otherwise. “Yeah? What kind of treasure?”

 

Alex beamed, pulling his shoulders up. “Oh, I’m not tellin’. You’ll just have to follow the clues to find out. Oh, but finish your breakfast first.” Alex clapped him on the shoulder and sauntered over to clean up the dishes.

 

It didn’t take him long to finish and he glanced ove to see Alex put the dishes in the dishwasher as he went to his room to get dressed, coming back and nearly having a heart attack as Alex bounded up to him, suddenly and excitedly thrusting the 'treasure map' into his hands and knocking him off-balance. 

 

“JESUS, DUDE! At least let me get my keys first!”

 

Alex blinked, for a second looking like a confused puppy. Ryland hated that look, more than anything. It was one thing to get mad or just annoyed at his friend but did he need to look at him that way and make him feel ten times worse about it?

 

“Okay, I just...I didn’t want to you to forget it on your way out.”

 

“It’s fine. I wasn’t.”

 

As Ryland grabbed his jacket, he paused. “Wait. If I’m going to be out, what are you gonna be doing? Is this gonna take very long?”

 

Alex smiled enigmatically and shrugged. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be here all day. You can text me just in case you get stuck.”

 

Ryland scoffed. “What, like Metal Gear?”

 

“Metal what now?”

 

Ryland shook his head, smiling a little. “Nevermind. I forget you don’t play games that don’t involve cartoon animals jumping on things.”

 

“HEY!” Alex laughed. “Those games are cute and fun, plus y’know...my dad never let me have video games as a kid.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, something about ‘games rot your brain’ or some horseshit like that.”

 

“Huh. That’s sad.”

 

Alex snorted and bobbed his shoulders. “I mean, that’s whatever. He’s not here to tell me what to do anymore so there,” and he stuck his tongue out and laughed.

 

Ryland tried to laugh back but it came out more forced than genuine. Anytime Alex brought up his dad, even in passing, the omnipresent smile masked whatever he had to say in a chilling disconnect. Not that he didn’t have his own share of issues with his parents but the fact when Alex did mention his family, Ryland pieced together on his own Alex had restrictive, maybe even sad upbringing. It would explain a lot but it wasn’t his place to pry if Alex wasn’t comfortable talking about it.

 

“Anyway, I’m gonna go,” Ryland held up the piece of paper before carefully folding it and putting in his jacket pocket. “Hopefully this treasure will be worth it.”

 

Alex rolled his eyes and gave a sheepish grin. “Oh...I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you find it.”

 

“Alright, well...I’ll see you later then.”

 

Ryland unlocked the door and gave Alex a small wave before closing the door behind him.

 

\---

Once the door clicked closed and he was sure Ryland had left, Alex exhaled the breath he was holding.

 

Shit, he had a lot to do but where to even begin? It all hinged on Ryland actually going through with the “treasure hunt” up until the end, which gave him a few hours before he reached the end: here. Right back where he started. 

 

Alex exhaled, deeper this time.

 

“Alright, Alex Taylor. You got this,” he said under his breath and clenched his fist. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryland finds the first clue and Alex asks for some help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this chapter is long as shit, lol. Sorry ^^;

When Ryland finally got into his car, before he buckled his seat belt he had stifled at least two egg and bacon-flavored burps in a row. “Ugh, goddammit,” he muttered under his breath. He’d probably be tasting that all day.

 

He reached into his jacket pocket and carefully unfolded the “treasure map”, leaning his forearms on the steering wheel and squinting as he read, getting briefly distracted by a little cartoon Alex drew in the corner of himself with an eyepatch. Cute.

 

_Ahoy, matey! This here be Capn’ Alex’s Super Awesome Valentine’s Day Treasure Map!_

 

 _I’ve taken the liberty while ye were sawin’ logs to hide clues, clues leading to my most special treasure. I’ve hidden clues to the whereabouts of me treasure in secret places but not just any places!_ _These be places that should be familiar to ye, as they are places that be treasures of their own as memories of you as my first mate._ _I wish ye the best of luck and know your journey will not be in vain. If ye follow these clues, the Spirit of the Sea will smile kindly upon you and grant you a safe passage._

 

_Set your navigator (GPS) to this address._

_The clue is SPARKLE_

 

_If ye ever get stumped, you know how to reach me. Just point your eyes west and follow the-_

 

Ryland slumped back in his seat, glancing at the paper again and pinched the bridge of his nose, muttering ‘What the fuck’ under his breath. When in the _hell_ did Alex have time to do all this? He knew the first thing he was going to text Alex was to stop watching “Pirates of the Caribbean”. He was lucky his roommate didn’t sneak in a ‘savvy’ in there somewhere.

 

The address seemed vaguely familiar, more familiar with the area he used to live in a few years ago, oddly enough.

 

He shook his head. This was really odd for Alex to pull this on him spontaneously like. Then again...he _had_ gone through all this trouble, seemingly if for no other reason than to pull his friend out of one of his semi-regular slumps. Hell, their “tradition” of getting stoned and watching VOD horror movies was more or less started by Alex to keep both of them from wallowing in the painful memories of girlfriends past. Sure, they usually ended the day taking turns puking up all that day-old candy but it was better than feeling sick being reminded of their serial singlehood, which the many commercials for oversize teddy bears and diamond rings were happy to do anyway.

 

Ryland sneered to himself. Might as well see where this treasure hunt would take him. It wasn’t like he really had anything better to do today anyway.

 

He placed the “map” on the passenger seat, stealing glances at the paper as he put in the address into his phone before fitting it on the dashboard holder. Looking over his shoulder, he backed up out of the parking spot before easing his car onto the street. 

 

\---

Alex lingered by the doorway, too wound up to sit down for long. He’d tried sitting down after folding his bed back up but he would spring back up and then pace around the empty apartment. He was about to take his phone out when he heard a tuneful series of knocks, hurrying to the door and quickly flinging it open. 

 

“Lorenzo!” he exclaimed, louder than he meant to then coughed and lowered his voice to a more reasonable volume. “I mean...hey.”

 

Lorenzo rolled his eyes. “Don’t act _that_ excited to see me or anything.”

 

Alex's lips twitched apologetically as he moved aside to let Lorenzo in, who was holding a plastic bag in his other hand.

 

He scratched the back of his neck, then stopped, then started again. “So...thanks for...helping me out with...this.”

 

Lorenzo gave a wry smile. “Well, when you texted me saying you needed quote gay shit and I asked you to clarify that...I would say I didn’t peg you as the type but it’s not my place to say.” With an eye roll, he added in a dry mutter.  “It does sort of explain a lot, though.”

 

Alex frowned. “Explain what?”

 

“You _know_...two guys...living together. No girlfriends or anything so you couldn’t pretend it was a reverse Three’s Company deal. But…” He handed the bag off to Alex and held his hand up. “Hey. Not my place to cast judgment or anything. As long as you two kids practice safe sex and-”

 

“Okay, just-” Alex shook his head, wincing. “I understand.”  

 

“I mean, you kids have it SO good now. I lived through the eighties. That was no fuckin’ cake walk.”

 

“I…” Alex sighed. “Normally I’d love to hear about your experiences during the AIDS crisis but…” He took a deep breath. “I’m a little...nervous about how this is going to go.”

 

“Pssh, I’m sure you’ll be _fine_ . It’s not like you’re a _virgin_ or anything.”

 

Alex was conscious of dropping the plastic bag but nothing else. Red hot shame washed over his body, starting from inside his chest and radiating out in burning waves, blinking and swaying on his feet as his ribcage felt like it might collapse in on itself.

 

“WHOA, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to-”

 

Lorenzo put an arm around Alex’s thin body as he tried to find a regular pattern of breathing. “Just...calm down. Do you need to sit or-?”

 

Alex swallowed the sour taste sitting at the back of his throat and nodded. He still felt unsteady on his feet but let Lorenzo keep him upright. “Yeah, I...think so.”

 

Lorenzo guided Alex to the couch with a tentative hand on his back when Alex plopped down so suddenly, Lorenzo made a startled noise.

 

“I mean...okay…” He sat next to Alex as he put the plastic bag on the floor at his feet. While Alex sat trying to get his bearings back, he was conscious of Lorenzo's hand hovering behind him, like he was trying to pat him on the back but couldn't actually bring himself to do it. 

 

“So when you say a ‘virgin’...like a virgin when it comes to guys or...because there are different levels of virginity, y’know.”

 

Alex’s brow furrowed. “I know that. Like...I’ve gotten blowjobs before but I’ve never done...IT. With anybody.”

 

“Oh...is there...a reason for that? Like...do you have something-?”

 

“No! It…” Alex turned his head away, brushing a hand through his hair. “It’s complicated. I really can’t actually...picture myself having sex with somebody specific unless I care about them and…” He huffed. “Whatever. You don’t want to hear my life story or anything. Let’s just say...I found it hard getting along with other people. Hell, I even thought something was wrong with me because I’d have girlfriends in school and I wouldn’t feel... _attracted_ to them even though I felt like I _should_ , y’know?”

 

“No, I get it. I think. So you and R...your roommate…”

 

Alex smiled sadly. “Yeah...thinking about it, I can name all these times where people in my life have let me down but Ryland has always been there for me. I don’t know what I’d do without him, honestly. Then gradually, I started to get like...attracted to him? Like...admire his body or...I’d catch myself staring at him and stuff…”

 

He broke off and fidgeted. Part of him almost WANTED to gush more about Ryland. He’d keep all those feelings inside for so long, he’d almost thought he’d imagined the whole...incident that changed things between them, the incident they never talked about. “I dunno. Ryland just makes me feel...safe, which is a big deal for me. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so much of a coward, wanting to keep things the way they are instead of wanting more...even if it’s just...something more than sitting on the couch together.”

 

“Oh. I was going to ask if the feeling was mutual because...I noticed he’s not actually here.”

 

Alex twisted his mouth and then swept a hand through his messy hair. “God, it’s stupid. I thought if I sent him on this stupid...treasure hunt thing, showed him all the places that...mean the most to me...maybe it’d...it’d be better than just coming out and saying ‘Hey Ryland, would you maybe want to celebrate Valentine’s day not getting baked, eating Peeps and watching ‘Re-Animator’ but…” Alex trailed off, held his head in his hands and groaned. “Fuck, I don’t even know how I’d _say_ it. I’m just fucking stalling and I guarantee you he’s going to give up halfway through and come back and be like ‘What the fuck?’ and I don’t fucking blame him. Half the time, I feel like all he sees me is this burden on his time and money and attention and-”

 

“Whoa, whoa. Just...calm down.”

 

Alex flinched as Lorenzo took that as his cue to sweep his hand over his back, grabbing his shoulder and giving his thin body a sharp shake.

 

“First of all, you need to _stop_ working yourself up thinking about the bad outcomes. I mean, I get it. Trust me, I get the feeling of not wanting to ruin a good thing but...call it a hunch but I don’t think your roommate has you living here- _rent free_ -” he added pointedly, “for so long just out of the goodness of his heart. I mean, he might but…” He smiled a thin smile. “Like I said, it’s just a hunch.”

 

Alex pulled his head up, staring at Lorenzo with wide, surprised eyes. “What?! Has he said something?!”

 

Lorenzo scoffed. “You kidding me? It’s not like we’re not BFFs or anything. It’s just a...weird... _tension_ when I come over and you’re both here. Just...like I said, weird. I always feel like I’m interrupting something personal and none of my business that either happened or is going to happen as soon as I leave.” He rolled his eyes. “You two do walk around in your underpants a lot more than is really appropriate so…”

 

Alex shrugged his shoulders. “Well, the AC is usually broken.”

 

“Is _that_ what that is? Ugh, no wonder I feel like sticky and gross. Ugh!” Lorenzo rose off the couch and adjusted his shirt, wincing. “But yeah. Are you going to be...okay?”

 

Alex’s eyes drifted towards the bag. “Yeah, I mean...what’s in here?” he muttered as he started sifting through the contents.

 

“Oh well...assuming it’s just purely vanilla, I kept it simple. Lube, enemas...personal wipes. I assumed you have condoms because I already felt weird buying that on your behalf.” He sucked his teeth. “So now that’s on my mind…” He winced again. “Who is going to be the pitcher and who’s going to be the catcher or have you not thought about that yet?”

 

“...I guess I’ll be on the bottom,” Alex muttered.

 

It wasn’t even a guess. He knew he wanted to be on the bottom. Every time it played out in his head in his private fantasies, snuggled up with Ryland’s old discarded T-shirt as a pillow, either Ryland spooned behind him or he was on his back as Ryland pressed his heavy but soft weight down on him, pinning him down.

 

“You...don’t sound too sure about that. I guess as long as you go slow, use a LOT of lube and prepare first…” Lorenzo frowned deeply. “You...you don’t need me to _show_ you or-?”

 

Alex shook his head, turning his attention away from thinking about Ryland and coughed. “No, I’m good.”

 

Swallowing, Alex followed Lorenzo to the door and sighed as he lingered by the threshold. “Thanks again, Lorenzo. I appreciate this, you helping me out.”

 

“It’s...I would say it’s no trouble but it was a bit weird to be buying stuff for you to do like you said ‘gay shit’ but...now that I’ve got a clearer picture of the situation, I wish you the best of luck in your romantic endeavors. At least…” He hesitated going out. “You don’t _have_ to go full bore the very first time. There’s stuff you can do besides intercourse to just ease into-" 

 

“NO! I mean...I want to…” Alex scoffed, ducking his head and lowering his voice. “I’m done waiting. The only real reason I waited so long as because...I wanted to be sure, absolutely sure. I used to think I was just picky but...I really can’t fake what I feel, not anymore. I just...hope...Ryland...whatever he feels when he gets back, he understands where I’m coming from, at least.”

 

Lorenzo blinked in surprise. “Wow. Okay, just...you’ve thought a lot about this.”

 

“Yeah, well...today is kinda...significant. For us.” Alex shifted in place, absently scratching at his arm. “Like...you said there’s a weird tension here...well...that’s the reason. I don’t really want to go into details but I sort of...came onto him and...we never really...talked about it. It took me a while to remember it even happened because I was drunk but…” Alex sighed heavily. “The only sure thing I have that Ryland won’t just flat out reject me is that I think he’s in denial about what happened. That he’s just expected I won’t remember and...I ‘unno. Like I said, it seemed better to just pretend it didn’t happen instead of just rock the boat. If he never brought it up, where did I come off bringing it up and getting into a big confrontation about it? But...I just...can't pretend anymore. It’s torn me up inside and I’d rather just...in weird way, give him some context. To him at the time, it must have seemed like a drunken kiss out of nowhere but it was just a lot of feelings exploding out of me that I couldn’t control or explain and…” Alex trailed off and shook his head. “Yeah, I didn’t mean to-”

 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Lorenzo gave Alex a friendly pat on the arm. “Well, I hope it goes well for you.”

 

Alex smiled wanly. “Thanks.”

 

Lorenzo closed the door behind him and Alex almost immediately wanted to curl up and cry but he fought the impulse. He’d carefully timed out how long this “treasure hunt” would take. Part of him was afraid Ryland would impulsively quit, but if he didn’t...that gave him until late afternoon for him to get ready.

 

As he gathered up the plastic bag, he heard his phone chime and checked, smiling to himself.

 

**> hey, this treasure better not be some bullshit coupon book, like free back rubs or some shit lol **

 

Alex chuckled to himself.

 

**> no nothing like that. Let me know how far along you get, ok? **

 

**> k. Drv rn**

 

Alex gave a tight smile. Maybe Ryland wouldn’t bail out...but how would he react to finding out what the “treasure” actually was?

 

\---

It wasn’t a straight shot to his destination. Ryland had to stop at a gas station for his morning energy drink before he could actually get on the road but the trip itself was mildly uneventful, driving past strip malls that were so familiar to him from years past that had now gone to seed.

 

Nearing his destination, Ryland passed chain restaurants until he got a squat little bar, rendered almost invisible by how early it was and the lack of cars parked nearby.

 

He pulled into a parking spot nearby, pausing to look the building over. He searched his brain but it didn’t seem overly familiar. At the point where he was living in the area, he'd bar hopped a lot but was never really in the state of mind to remember the names of the places he’d been. Usually, it was the vibe he remembered: loud sports bars full of college kids, quiet homey bars full of off-duty cops, kitschy “island” bars, things like that.

 

He got out of the car, stuffing the “map” in his pocket and pushed the door open, squinting at the low light and looked around.

 

From wall to ceiling he was greeted with wood paneling with Christmas twinkle lights hung around. In the back were some well-worn pool tables and at the front to his right was a stage space with tables and chairs gathered around. The bar pianist had put a sign on top of his greasy piano: “Out to Lunch”. Possibly familiar but then again, he was looking at everything in the cold, sharp sober light of day.

 

The bartender looked up as Ryland entered and then back down when he moved away, telegraphing to him he was not in the mood to day-drink.

 

He figured once he went in, he’d know when he found the “clue” but he couldn’t immediately see anything that conjured up the word “sparkle”. Everything as far as he could see was dull, brown or greasy.

 

He walked around the empty stage area. As he made his way through the tables and chairs, he jerked his eye in one direction and then jerked it quickly back as he caught a blinding flash hit him in the eye, making him shout. 

 

Faintly rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand, he looked around and saw the source, something faintly glimmering against the back of the stage, wedged underneath a poster or flyer.

 

Glancing over at the bartender, he cautiously made his onto the stage itself to look closer.

 

It appeared to a fabric swatch sewn with sequins. He pulled it free and noticed stapled to the back was a piece of paper, labeled, “Clue #1: Sparkle”, written in Alex’s handwriting.

 

Quickly, he pocketed the paper and the stapled fabric, shuffling off the stage in case somebody would notice him and retreated back to his car to really look at it.

 

_Yarr, matey! You did it! You found me first clue!_

_The location this, me first clue, be no accident. This journey is not just a journey of places but of time._

_Have you figured it out, ye scurvy dog?_

_This here watering hole be where we first met_

 

Ryland stopped reading as the realization hit him. 

 

Oh yeah...it was.

 

\---

It was an uneventful Friday night, going on a solo pub crawl in between “fuel-ups” at whatever food places were still open.

 

Nothing brought him to his bar in particular except that was open, that much he could remember. He ordered a beer and his eyes fell on a tacked up sign that said “Open mic night” and he could see at the stage area against the far wall, people were setting up amps and other equipment.

 

He didn’t see anybody else around but he had enough instinct to not take a seat with his beer bottle right in the front, choosing somewhere in the middle, thinking maybe he was early and it’d fill up.

 

Five minutes must have gone by while he was checking his phone when the stage lights clicked on, bathing the small stage in multi-colored lights.

 

That was the only warning when some... _thing_ bounded on stage. Ryland didn’t immediately know what it was because his eyes caught the full brunt of some blinding flash and he jerked his head away, blinking the dancing spots out of his eyes before he could stand to look again at the source of the disorienting flash.

 

Once his eyes focused could he really see strutting across the stage to the microphone was by far the skinniest guy he’d ever seen, clad head to toe in tight glittery blue spandex that flared at the knee in ruffled bell-bottoms with a low scooped neckline framing a pale, bare upper chest.

 

The singer tossed his long curly brown and stroked his long fingers up and down the mike stand suggestively and he could see a similarly blue and glittery cape fluttering at his back, the ends tied to his wrists with red cords. Ryland jumped in his seat as the singer suddenly shouted, “ALRIGHT TIM’S BAR, ARE YOU READY TO FUCKIN’ _ROCK_!?”

 

The microphone whined shrilly with feedback and Ryland looked around. He was the only one seated and he looked to see the singer looking not just in his direction but directly AT him.

 

_Oh god, I hate participating in stage shows._

 

“Uh...y-yeah?” he said weakly, but he thought loud enough to be audible.

 

The singer cocked his head to the side, cupping his ear with his hand. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t HEAR that. I said, ARE. YOU. READY. TO. ROCK?!”

 

Ryland scowled. “Yeah!," he said a bit louder and more annoyed. 

 

The drummer played a fill before the singer whipped the mike out of its stand and shouted. “ONE MORE TIME FOR THE WORLD!” and pointed it out to the audience.

 

“YEAH!” Goddammit, could they just get the hell on with it? He felt awkward enough.

 

The singer seemed satisfied with that because he smirked, glancing over his shoulder, gesturing for a second to his bandmates before Ryland was blown back in his chair by the blast of sound before the band launched into an ear-shredding rendition of “20th-century boy”.

 

Okay, he had to admit they weren't bad. The band wasn’t anything especially terrible, just passable. Nothing to give him the thought ‘This band is going to make it BIG’ but nothing so egregious enough to make him leave either.

 

The longer he watched, he was struck by something. It wasn’t something he noticed immediately but the singer was uncommonly animated: strutting, swaying from side to side, hip-thrusting, jumping and doing high-kicks. But the guitarist and bassist barely moved. The most they would do was maybe tap their feet but otherwise, they were oddly stationary. In fact, he was almost positive he saw the singer swing around and smack the bassist in the face with his hair and the bassist give him a fleeting scowl before continuing to play. It was odd, considering the music they were playing: covers of upbeat, crowd-pleasing glam rock with some eighties hits mixed in. In short, nobody in the band looked like they were having fun except for the singer. To him, everything about the rest of the band and their body language said they couldn’t wait to be done so they didn’t have to deal with their singer leaping around like a goofball.

 

That wasn’t the only weird thing. He didn’t spend much time looking away from the stage but it became clear that he was the only permanent audience member. Out of the corner of his eye, he’d see patrons linger nearby out of momentary curiosity but when he’d look again, they’d be gone. With nobody else, he found he became a permanent object of interest for the singer. The first few times the singer would point at him while he was singing, he’d swivel his head around to see who he was pointing to and found it could be nobody else but him. That was fine, more or less, but the singer’s hooded dark eyes would lock on him when he’d stroke his mike stand or bend at the waist, drawing his hands up his slender legs like a stripper. Frankly, it was embarrassing the hell out of him, sitting in the middle of a crowd of empty tables with nowhere to hide.

 

He ordered another beer and then something happened. He was...enjoying himself. Once he realized he was an audience of one, he was past the point of leaving. He’d gone in, checked out the band. He wasn’t obligated to stay for any reason...except now he did. Part of the reason was just plain pity. He felt sorry for the singer. He was working his ASS off and nobody cared, not even the guys in his own band. Despite that, that didn’t seem to dampen his spirit. If anything, he sang with more conviction, put more oomph in his hip swivels and hair tosses, just completely owned it and Ryland couldn’t look away from this dazzling spectacle, even if he wanted to. When they’d finish a song, Ryland cheered himself hoarse and clapped until his palms were sore while the singer caught his breath and he’d ruffle his hair and smile at him, no BEAM at him with such grateful sincerity, it made his heart full. He took some pride that just made the other band members scowl at him as if to say ‘Jesus Christ, don’t encourage him.’

 

The singer chuckled, ducking his head almost bashfully. “Heh...thank you, thank you. I’d like to thank y’all for coming out tonight. It really means a lot to us.” He swayed as he gripped the mike stand before continuing. “This last song, don’t be afraid to sing along if you know the words and I hope you do because it’s a preeeetty well-known song.”

 

The keyboard barely played anything before Ryland knew EXACTLY what song it was. If he was soberer and therefore more cynical, he would have rolled his eyes at ending a show with “Don’t Stop Believing”, maybe even use that as his cue to leave and leave everybody to their cliched karaoke sing-along.

 

But he couldn’t. Goddammit, he couldn’t. Even if he could slump into his chair and be a grouch, refuse to get swept in the music, once the singer uttered the first few lines, that was it for him. He was completely enthralled all the way through, even though he didn’t know any of the words except for the chorus. The singer sang his heart out, his voice soaring out like an eagle in flight right out to him, not even breaking a sweat and emotion was swelling uncontrollably in his chest, so much he couldn’t stand it.

 

Once he actually got to the chorus, Ryland actually burst into tears. He had no idea if the beer helped him reach that high but all the emotions crashed in on him like a foamy wave. He hated it but he could do nothing to staunch the flow of tears trickling hot and salty down his cheeks except to quickly wipe them away with the side of his hand.

 

When the song finally ended, Ryland surged out of his chair, clapping and whistling. Again, the band members looked flat out exhausted and perturbed at him but god, the singer’s radiant smile was worth it. So worth it.

 

 _God, when it’s the last time I made someone that happy?_ The thought crossed his mind.

 

The singer looked right in the middle of saying something when his expression went completely blank, his eyes darting somewhere to the right. “UM...we’re Stillettowithtwo‘L’s. Thankyougoodnight!” He blurted out quickly before bounding right off the stage in a blue streak of light.

 

The band members looked where he ran in confusion but went about methodically packing away their instruments and equipment as if this was nothing new. 

 

Even though his pull to stay was gone, Ryland lingered around a bit longer, thinking he could stand one more beer before going to the nearby taco place, taking a cab and calling it a night and then getting his car in the morning. He took a seat at the bar with his beer bottle and briefly saw the band members carrying their gear and leave through a door off to the side of the pool tables. He almost thought nothing of it except to note the singer wasn’t with them.

 

He forgot about it again for a while when he heard sneakers slide against the hardwood floor. He looked up. There was the singer, still in his sparkling jumpsuit, holding one hand against the doorway and breathing hard, his face dripping wet.

 

“Shit, where is everybody?!,” he panted.

 

“Uh…” Ryland gestured to the door where he saw the other members leave. The singer looked at him for a second and then dashed towards the door without another word, the door closing abruptly behind him. 

 

He frowned to himself but slid off the barstool. He hadn’t stayed longer for any real reason but he had a wild thought cross his head he should say something to the singer, at least tell him he did a good job.

 

He pushed the door open and looked out into the dark parking lot, the only spot of color was the singer’s electric blue jumpsuit faintly glimmering against the velvety starless night.

 

The singer sighed and his shoulders slumped, his cape fluttering in the faint breeze.

 

Ryland went up and gingerly tapped the side of his arm.

 

“Hey uh...everything okay, man?”

 

“They left. Shit. My clothes were in that van.”

 

“Oh. That sucks.”

 

_Dammit, could he really not think of anything else to say?_

 

The singer turned to him more fully and smiled tightly. “Oh, I’m sure they’ll be back. Probably went to get something to eat.”

 

Ryland blinked. That was an abrupt change of moods. “Uh. Okay. Can I...buy you a drink at least? At least until they get back?”

 

“Sure, that’d be...heh. Awesome.”

 

They went back inside and the singer ordered a rum and lime, which Ryland offered to pay for seeing as the singer didn't have his wallet, just his phone. 

 

“I’m uh...Ryland, by the way.”

 

“Alex,” the singer said and they shook hands before he looked off the side, stroking his chin. 

 

“Ryland...why does that name sound so…?” Suddenly, he snapped his fingers. "Oh, dude. You know what? I KNOW you!”

 

A heavy stone of dread sank deep into his stomach. Great, another out of the seemingly endless people who knew him from that stupid meltdown video.

 

“I think...YEAH! We fuckin’...went to high school together!”

 

“Oh.” He breathed an inward sigh of relief but he wasn't completely relieved yet. “We did?”

 

“Yeah, I’m almost positive ‘cuz...y’know, ‘Ryland’ isn’t actually the most common name in the world.”

 

“Yeah, that’s true...I guess,” he muttered.

 

“But yeah...we had biology class together, junior or sophomore year. The rest of the time, you’d bump into me in the hall, make me drop my books, call me a nerd and a faggot. Stuff like that.”

 

“Oh.” A wave of embarrassment overtook him as the memory flashed before him: strutting through the halls thinking he was hot shit because of Killcore. Some mousy guy who never stood out in any real memorable way was his regular target of strategic bumps as he’d try to put his books in his locker.

 

He sighed harshly. “Fuck. Dude, I’m SO sorry-”

 

Alex shook his head, smiling. “God, don’t be. It wasn’t that big of a deal. You weren’t as bad as your buddy, the guy with the permanent pube ‘stache.”

 

Ryland snorted. “Yeah, that guy was the fuckin’ WORST. I couldn’t STAND him but...we were friends out of obligation. Grew up together and shit.”

 

“I getcha. I mean…” Alex shrugged. “I didn’t really have a lot of friends in high school. Mostly hung out by myself. Read books.” He scoffed. “Hell, I didn’t even go to prom. A., my dad didn’t let me go and B., I didn’t have a date anyway so...I think I just stayed home and read Tolkien.”

 

“You didn’t miss anything. Prom was-IS-overrated as fuck.” Ryland sucked his teeth as if the thought had just occurred to him. “Man, high school sucked ASS.”

 

“Yeah, for real. I mean...my life isn’t super great or anything but hey. At least I’m not stuck living with my parents and pretending I give a shit about the Louisiana Purchase.”

 

“I’ll drink to that.”

 

Ryland cast his eyes, as discreetly as he was able, up and down at Alex in sudden reappraisal as he took a sip from his glass. 

 

“But yeah, god...life after high school has been REALLY good to you, dude. You look completely different.”

 

“Thanks. Chalk it up to not going with my mom to get the same regular dorky bowl cut plus...I did have a bit of a growth spurt around 17 or so and then everything kinda...filled itself out.”

 

And fill out it did. Even trying to recall Alex back in high school, nothing about him even warranted much of a second glance. He wasn’t UGLY, just average, maybe even on the plain side of gangly and awkward in the way most teenage guys were. But man, it was really hard not to look at him now. That long mane of curly, dark brown hair begging to be grabbed flowing down to his broad shoulders, deep-set hazel brown eyes, a teasing hint of stubble, a jaw that could cut glass, arms corded with lean muscle. Forget just his singing abilities, why wasn’t he at the front of a line of a bunch of giggly, trashy bar chicks begging him to sign their tits? Why was he the sole witness to all those amorous looks and slow, sexy hip swivels? His ears still faintly burned at the auditory memory of Alex’s voice, the way it would occasionally drop low and smooth, right at a prime pants creaming register. Whenever that happened, he could recall blushing and his neck feeling uncomfortably hot and tingly. Alex was GOOD if he could make him that flustered and hot under the collar.  

 

Ryland coughed with distraction. “Oh but, I gotta say...you were fuckin’ AMAZING.”

 

Alex smiled almost shyly like he didn't actually believe it. “Yeah? You think so?”

 

“Pfft, are you kidding’ me?! I was…” he chuckled self-consciously. “Well, you could see it but...yeah, I was in TEARS by the end.”

 

“Aww, thanks. I...really appreciate it. It’s weird and kinda...hard to explain, I guess. Just...god, man...when you’re on stage, it just SUCH a rush of like...endorphins and adrenaline and whatever else you wanna call it but like...you can almost FEEL the connection between you and the audience like a…” Alex paused to gesture. “A symbiotic organism or something. And it’s like when you into it, I got into it more. We were like...feeding each our energy. Heh, it was really fuckin’ intense.”

 

“To be fair you were...looking at me a lot and y’know. Gesturing to ME. It was a liiiiittle, y'know-"

 

“Oh. Yeah, that...that’s just how I rehearse certain moves. You kinda...pick a person in the audience to help build that connection. Uh...helps if they’re a chick but uh...yeah.”

 

“Heh, well...thanks for explaining it to me. Here I was thinkin’ you were flirting with me or something.”

 

Alex sputtered and shook his head. “No, I didn’t mean to make it like seem like that. Plus...I dunno. When I get into the music like that…” He winced slightly. “I dunno. It almost feels like sex, like you’re making love to the audience. Again, helps if there’s a hot chick SOMEWHERE but-”

 

“Yeah, it felt weird being the only one here.”

 

“Eh, well...Tim’s isn’t anybody’s first stop, just...FYI.” Alex leaned in partially to whisper. “Had a bit of a silverfish problem couple months back.”

 

“Well...at least you seemed like you were having fun and...enjoying yourself. Y’know. All things considered.”

 

“Yeah, just...man, it was really fun. ALL the live shows I’ve done are fun. I just can’t fucking contain myself sometimes. I...had kind of a sheltered childhood, y’know...high school, didn’t have a lot of friends or anybody to hang out with. But just...when I’m singing...god, I just feel so free and I just...want to fuckin’ coast on that feeling FOREVER, y’know?”

 

“Well,...you make that feeling pretty infectious," he admitted, giving a half-smile. 

 

They talked like that for a while, he wasn’t sure how long. Time just seemed to not exist at all. If he was blown away by Alex the performer, Alex Taylor the person was so much more. He almost wanted to go back and beat up his teenage self for only seeing this person as an outlet for hormonal spikes of rage and frustration, just an obstacle he felt the need to shove out of the way on his way to and from class. Alex had a tendency to talk so fast, he’d end up tripping over his own words when he wasn’t lapsing into dreamy thoughtful tangents. Normally he found that motormouth behavior annoying but it was...oddly endearing. Even though they were in an empty bar in the middle of the night with Tim, the bartender, shuffling back and forth ignoring them, it was strangely restorative, just talking about everything and nothing.

 

Still, he was always poised and ready for Alex to ask him about what he had done since high school and he felt so bare and opened up, he knew once prompted, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from revealing he was a washed-up DOTA gamer that was now a laughing stock in the one place he thought he’d found meaning in. The only reason he bullied Alex was the rush that meaningless place had given made him feel he was better than everybody else. Without it, he was nothing.

 

Alex paused to glance at his phone and Ryland frowned.

 

“Dude...I don’t think they’re coming back.”

 

Alex was almost too quick to say, "Sure they are. They probably went to get food or-”

 

“Alex, look around! This bar is in the middle of a bunch of places to get food from! There’s a Chipotle’s a block from here! There’s no reason it would take them an HOUR, OVER an hour to get food and not come back to get you!" 

 

Alex’s face fell and it was there, he could see it: the high schooler Alex used to be. Whenever he’d inevitably shove Alex into his locker, he’d always look back at him with that same look, like a wounded animal, pleading, imploring. _What did I do wrong? Why are you doing this to me?_

 

The other man flinched and hung his head. “I...I dunno…” He finally said quietly and looked at his glass.

 

Ryland sighed. He wasn't even conscious he had raised his voice that loudly but seeing Alex shrink like that gave him pause. “Look, I’ll drive you home or something.” He wasn’t dead sober but he could reasonably drive assuming where Alex lived was nearby.

 

“You don’t have to…” He muttered, faintly shaking his head. 

 

“No, I WANT to. C’mon…” He hoisted Alex off his barstool and let go when Alex shuffled to follow him out to his car.

 

When Alex sat down, Ryland stifled a laugh as he tried to fold his long, grasshopper legs into a comfortable position with the narrow leg space before he reached over and adjusted the seat so he could stretch out more comfortably. 

 

“Thanks, man.”

 

“No problem. Really.” He fiddled with the mirror before looking over his shoulder and pulled out of the parking spot. “Where’s your place?”

 

Alex told him, in as few words as possible.

 

Ryland glanced at him as he turned on the radio. After being such a chatterbox, Alex was disturbing quiet now. “Hey...you okay?”

 

Alex blinked slowly and turned his head towards the window. “Yeah, just...I’m at the point where the alcohol is makin’ me tired. Just want to go to sleep.”

 

Ryland sighed and briefly scratched his head. “Hey man, I’m sorry I...I’m sure your bandmates are nice and stuff and wouldn’t fuckin’....leave you behind,” Alex said nothing. “Does...that happen a lot?”

 

“No. I mean...we’re not like...friends. We don’t hang out outside of doing gigs. I do just really stay behind, drink...call myself a cab. Leaving my regular clothes in the van was stupid, though.”

 

Ryland frowned but didn’t know how to respond at first but recalling how the rest of Alex's band acted made him more annoyed. “Hey...you...fuckin’...deserve better than that, dude,” he spat. 

 

“How you mean?”

 

“I mean…” Ryland scoffed harshly. “Fuck...Alex, I was _there_. You were working your ass off, you were just completely carrying the whole band and the other guys barely moved, cracked a smile, nothing.”

 

Alex sucked his teeth thoughtfully. “I get too into it. That’s what they say. They tell me to ‘tone it down’ and...I never know what they mean by that. Like I said, I can’t help it. I...feel things too acutely, I guess. Honestly...I don’t even know if I would have performed half as well if you weren’t there.”

 

“Hey, so...why did you...sort of...run off stage like that? Forget something?”

 

“Um...this...it’s kind of embarrassing. I don’t know if you want to hear it.” Ryland had his eyes on the road but he could hear the glittery fabric scratching against the cloth cushion of the passenger seat.

 

Ryland chuckled. “Try me. Did you need to take a shit or something?”

 

“NO. I...I got...an erection.”

 

The words definitely entered his brain but seemed to float right back out. “I’m sorry, what?”

 

“I…” Alex sighed. “I don’t know. I just got overwhelmed by the emotions and the music and...god, I just felt like I was going to fucking explode and then it was over, I just... _felt_ it and I just ran into the bathroom to splash some cold water on myself.”

 

Oh. No wonder when Alex re-emerged, his face looked wet. Without being conscious of it, his eyes quickly glanced down to the crotch of Alex’s jumpsuit and right back on the road. 

 

_Shit, why did he do that?!_

 

Ryland winced. “Uh...does...that...happen a lot?”

 

“NO, absolutely NOT. That…” Alex laughed nervously. “That’s never happened during a show before. I was really actually embarrassed. I didn’t want anybody else to see it, especially you.”

 

They came to a light and Ryland was able to softly nudge Alex in the arm. “Hey. Your secret’s safe with me.” 

 

Alex’s oddly blank, tired expression broke into a tiny, grateful smile.

 

They got to Alex’s apartment and Ryland stopped in the front, letting Alex get out.

 

He turned to him and ruffled his hair. “Thanks again, Ryland. I appreciate this...really.”

 

“The uh...feeling’s mutual.”

 

Alex made a move to turn and leave but turned right back around. “Hey….do you want to come in for a second?” He ducked his head and shifted on his feet. “I want to...give you something.”

 

“Oh...sure.”

 

He parked his car and followed Alex up the concrete stairs, distracted so much by the glitter jumping and dancing on the back of Alex's jumpsuit as he walked that he had to look away. When they got to the door of Alex's apartment, he stooped down and retrieved a key hidden under the welcome mat before unlocking it and leading them both inside.

 

Alex turned on a light and shuffled further inside. “Hey so...I need to go change out of this outfit. Just make yourself at home for a sec.”

 

Ryland put his hands and his jacket pocket and looked around. There was a distracting sour, garbage smell coming from a trashcan in the kitchen area overpowering the smell of stale weed. The carpet was grimy and almost every tabletop was covered with empty chip bags or candy wrappers. On the wall were Def Leppard posters and other bands he didn't immediately recognize. 

 

He glanced over at a light coming from down the short hallway and hear quiet muttering and the rustle of clothing, drawers being opened. Otherwise, he stayed exactly where he was until Alex peeked his head through the doorway. “Hey! Uh...what’s your T-shirt size?”

 

“Um...large or...extra large.”

 

“Okay, sweet. One second.”

 

There was a sound of a cardboard rustling and then Alex emerged, wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants with a rolled cloth bundle.

 

“Now...technically...you need to pay for this but seeing as you came to the show anyway…” With a flourish, Alex unrolled the bundle. “Tada!”

 

It was a T-shirt with the craziest looking tiger Ryland had ever seen on it, the pupils in its eyes replaced with two shining daggers and if that wasn’t clear enough, two daggers replacing its fangs. Over the tiger’s head, the word ‘Stilletto’ was written in a jagged, lightning bolt-like font.

 

The shirt was black. The tiger was white but the logo was in lime green.

 

“Wow,” He said as Alex handed it off to him.

 

“Pretty sick, huh?”

 

“Yeah…” 'Sick' was right. It was hurting his eyes just looking at the thing but he didn’t say that out loud, not when Alex looked so proud and happy, like a child showing his parent the macaroni picture he made. “Who designed it?”

 

“Oh! Um...our keyboardist’s niece does graphic design but it’s more or less based on my design. Doodled it on a piece of cocktail napkin.”

 

“Huh.” Ryland looked at it again but quickly folded it back up. The more he looked it, the more off-putting the tiger looked, like a melting heavy metal nightmare. Exactly the kind of thing a nerd would doodle in their Trapper Keeper bored in study hall.

 

Ryland smiled tightly. “Thanks, dude.”

 

“Keep it. I’ve got a whole box of ‘em.”

 

_I can see why._

 

“Well...I should head out. It’s late and…” He gestured over his shoulder to the door.

 

“Yeah, I’m pretty beat. Well, hey...if you want….we booked a show at a...heh, nicer place than Tim’s. Hopefully, you won’t be the only one there next time,” Alex laughed and winked, hitting the side of his arm softly in a friendly gesture.

 

Ryland scoffed back. “I dunno...I kinda like the idea of you fuckin’...licking your lips and swiveling your hips just for me.”

 

_Crap. Had his mouth-to-brain filter shorted out or something?_

 

“Dude, just…” Alex giggled. “If you got me a basket of curly fries and a J, I’ll be your priiiivate fuckin' dancer,” Alex giggle-sputtered harder, swaying on his feet and smacking him lightly on the shoulder. “I’m easy as shiiiit.”

 

Alex must have been drunker than he thought. Hell, he must be more fatigued than he thought because as Alex bumped his head against his upper chest and the puff of hot breath through his shirt as he slumped against him, he felt a jolt right down his spine. Okay, time to leave NOW.

 

“Okay, I’ll bear that in mind but...I should go.” He backed away and Alex straightened back up, still giggling faintly. 

 

“Alright. But yeah…” He snapped his fingers and pointed at him. “End of the month, Saturday. Vixen. Stilletto is fuckin’ rocking the fuck out of that dump.” 

 

“ ‘Vixen’?”

 

“Yeah, it used to be a strip club. Still has the poles in a couple places.”

 

Ryland raised an eyebrow. “You gonna...pole dance?”

 

Alex rolled his eyes, smirking uncontrollably. “Hey man...if I’m drunk enough, who knows? See you there?”

 

Ryland snorted. “Yeah, definitely.”

 

He left and made down the stairs and into his car before his brain caught up with him.

 

 _Shit. Were they_ flirting _just now?_

 

He shook his head at himself. No, of course not. They were both tired and loopy. He definitely was. It just only seemed like flirting. Of course. What was he thinking? 

 

Before he put the car in drive, he glanced at the seat and almost did a double take. It looked like Tinkerbell had dusted her behind all over the cushion because the seat and back were COVERED with glitter.

 

“God...fuckin’ dammit,” he muttered. He leaned over to try to dust it off but it proved a fruitless taste. There was so much glitter that it had become embedded in the cloth cushions. Definitely wouldn’t be able to be to be gotten rid of with just his hand futilely swiping and scrubbing. Whatever. There was nothing he could do about it now, being this late when he was this drained. He made a mental note to vacuum the seat in the morning, tossed the T-shirt into the backseat and drove home.

 

\---

Ryland leaned his head back against the headrest. 

 

How had he forgotten all that?

 

It seemed like once he and Alex became friends, it was like they’d known each other their whole lives. It was hard to remember life before Alex and he became friends but he could see how his life before was a lot lonelier. Sadder. More monotonous. Compared to Steamin', being with Alex was easy. Comfortable. He didn’t feel that recoil of unease like he always had to be on his guard for backhanded compliments and insults disguised as good-natured “friendly” bonding. Alex was just a nice guy. 

 

His phone buzzed, snapping him out of his thoughts and he unlocked the screen.

 

**> hey just checkin’ in. how far along are you? **

 

He put the paper aside and typed back.

 

**> i found the first clue. **

 

**> awesome. Well the next place should be obvious then :P**

 

Ryland was about to sign off, tell Alex he was on his way but paused before typing out

 

**> hey dude, i appreciate you doing this treasure hunt thing. It’s weird but i think i understand why you did all this**

 

**> you do?**

 

**> yeah its like...you kind of take things for granted and stuff. I know stuff has been difficult w/ us but you’re my best friend. If coming to your show and being the only one there meant that much to you, it meant a lot to me too, seeing you that happy. **

 

Ryland made a face. Ugh, when did he get so goddamn sappy? 

 

**> RY. You’re gonna make me cry :’D**

**Lol that rhymed**

 

**> lol**

 

**> but yeah. Tim’s is just the first stop. Lemme know if you need a hint finding the next clue. I’m just gonna smoke a bowl, watch some TED talks :)**

 

**> lol have fun **

 

Ryland pocketed his phone and picked up the piece of paper with the clue again, skimming through Alex’s pirate-y writing for the pertinent details just to confirm where he was going. Yup. Vixen. As he pulled out of the parking space, he could almost smell the cheap ratty leopard-print carpet and buffalo wings.

 

As he got on the road, he couldn’t help his mind wandering. What _did_ Alex have to show him in Vixen, of all places?

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Ryland finds the second clue, it leads him to the behind the stuck door of the champagne room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...another long af chapter. 
> 
> Honestly, I'm not sure if this funny or not. Part of me thought it was a bit...cracky when I came up with it but to be fair, its nowhere near the painful crackfics I wrote in high school. YEESH. @_@
> 
> Enjoy~

The drive to Vixen was just as uneventful and with the stretch of time, he tried to anticipate what it was about that bar, in particular, Alex wanted him to remember. Maybe this one he’d actually need to call Alex for a hint.

 

Like Tim’s before it, it was too early for anybody to be around when he pulled into an empty parking spot in the front. Taking the paper with the clue on it, he folded it into his jacket and got out of his car, stepping into the almost empty establishment. 

 

The clue said something about a “ghostly siren song” but it was much vaguer than the last one. On a hunch, he went to the area where the arcade cabinets were but didn’t see the telltale scrap of paper. He remembered for sure he and Alex going here, drunkenly playing Tekken or embarrassing himself playing DDR after a couple of shots so if not that, what? 

 

He wandered around like that for a while but there weren’t a lot of areas that seemed to conjure up what the clue was leading to. Despite the layout, the main area was pretty small and he was able to cover the whole area pretty quickly before doubling back, really searching for anything that seemed out of place.

 

Well, he thought. Time to phone a friend.

 

He took out his phone and put on his Bluetooth earpiece and as he dialed Alex’s number, giggled to himself before he picked up.

 

“Mmmyello?”

 

Putting on a gruff voice, he answered. “Otacon?”

 

Alex sputtered on the other end. “What? What did you call me?”

 

Ryland rolled his eyes. “Naw...nothing. Just a-look, I don’t know where this clue is supposed to be. I’m pretty sure the employees are looking at me weird because I’ve been wandering around this place for ages looking around for a piece of paper.”

 

“Oh. Yeah. This one...I admit I figured you maaaybe don’t remember this one as much because things got...weird.”

 

“Weird as in-?”

 

“Um...did you check by the bathrooms yet?”

 

“No…," Ryland admitted. 

 

“Okay, it’s near there. Should I stay on the line until you find it?”

 

“Yeah, sure.”

 

Brushing himself off, he veered down a hallway lined by plastic ferns to the bathroom doors on one side...but on the other side of the hall was another door, marked only by a taped sign on the front that said ‘Do Not Enter. Under Renovation’

 

“Okay, there’s a door here with a ‘Do Not Enter’ sign here…”

 

“Yup, that’s the one.”

 

Quickly, Ryland looked around. “Uh, you sure? It looks like an Employees Only place.”

 

“Heh. Didn’t stop us before. I did this earlier. It should be unlocked.”

 

Ryland shrugged and pushed the door but it wouldn’t open, then he pulled it open.

 

The automatic lights must have kicked in addition to a harsh blast of air-conditioning hitting him square in the chest because once the door opened, he was standing inside a room upholstered all over with plush magenta carpeting, except the ceiling which was inlaid with mirrored tiles. In the middle of the room was a round platform with a stripper’s pole standing with a sunken pit of seats around it.

 

There was the clue, taped to the gleaming metal pole.

 

“You find it?”

 

“Yeah…” He strode to the middle of the room, carefully reaching up and pulling the piece of paper away, checking it. Yup. Here it was.

 

_Yarrr, matey! Ye be made of much stronger mettle than methinks I gave ye credit for!_

 

_It be that steely resolve that tightened our bond as stalwart rugged journeymen of the sea those many moons ago in this here humble alehouse. I saw in you the right partner and first mate, someone who would face death itself and not back down and inspire courage._

 

_This cave of unearthly horror is where we drove back the restless spirit of Cherry Cream and laid her to rest, where she would haunt no more._

 

Cherry Cream? Why did that sound vaguely familiar?

 

The memory came to him like a sudden drop. Oh yeah...the ghost... _incident_.

\---

 

The days leading up to it, Ryland would catch himself forgetting about Alex and that weird night. That is until he'd catch a glimpse of that hideous T-shirt sitting on the edge of the laundry hamper and the memory would come scuttling back.

 

More than that, he was actually anticipating seeing Alex again. That was a weird feeling all on its own. Since the whole meltdown debacle, he’d gotten used to keeping most people at arm’s length, always on edge just in case their friendliness was a pretense for something. Even though the memory of that night was foggy from time and alcohol, he was surprised at himself that his and Alex’s conversation never veered in that direction, not even to the subject of video games. Despite that, he thought of bringing it up even just to clear the air made his skin crawl. He didn’t want to ruin things by admitting the sad fact he used to waste his life on Killcore, maybe even had dreams of doing it professionally only to have Alex look at him with confusion or worse: pity. Half the time when people didn’t know what Killcore was, he’d have to explain it and even explaining, it sounded even stupider. What normal person would waste their time doing something so...pointless, so pathetic?

 

The end of the month came sooner than he realized and it took some time to find this notorious converted strip club until from the road he could see the pink neon sign, the word 'Vixen' written in neon pink circlicues along with a pair of kicking, high-heeled neon legs. 

 

The only way to describe Vixen as he stepped inside was strip club by way of video game arcade/Chuck E. Cheese...from the eighties. What wasn’t bordered by neon accents was covered in animal print, though at least it was all one kind of print so it wasn’t a complete eyesore clash. With the overall eighties aesthetic, he almost felt out of place or that he should have at least dressed up to fit in here. Then again, when he went to bars, he didn’t dress up in anything but a jacket, T-shirt, and jeans. Why start now?

 

It didn’t take long for him to find Alex and his band. The stage area was much larger and hard to miss with a proscenium arch, also lit by neon. It looked like he had missed the beginning of their set and to his immense relief, there were more people here so he was free to mingle and disappear into the crowd.

 

He ordered a beer and carefully wove through the audience to a good spot. Alex was in the middle of singing “Photograph” but his eyes, ringed with a soft smudge of eyeshadow, fell on him and he winked before turning his attention elsewhere and Ryland stumbled backward a little, hiding a dopey smile curling suddenly across his face with his bottle.

 

Shit, why was his heart fluttering like this? Was it just pride that he was maybe-maybe not friends with this super good-looking charismatic guy who had this audience eating out of his hand? Sure, that’s what it was. Knowing a guy in a not-terrible band was at least more brag-worthy than being good at a stupid and notoriously complicated video game. Maybe that association might somehow down the road get him laid. There was a promising thought.

 

The show wasn't very long before Alex bowed and waved at the crowd, thanking them before moving off the stage: Alex practically prancing stage right and the other members slowly and methodically packing everything up. As the crowd of people dispersed, Ryland jumped as Alex bounded into him like an excited Afghan hound. 

 

"Hey, man! Glad you could make it!" 

 

"Heh, no problem." 

 

"But yeah, I'm gonna change real quick. You can hang out by the dressing room and we can...y'know. Hang out. This time, I DIDN'T leave my clothes in the van!" 

 

"Yeah, alright." 

 

Ryland followed him backstage and slumped against the wall while Alex disappeared into the dressing room. He only spent five minutes or so tapping his fingernails on his beer bottle before Alex came back out, adjust the collar of a short-sleeved button-up tropical print shirt with what looked like a plain tank top under it. 

 

“You look like Ace Ventura,” Ryland blurted out and Alex immediately exploded into giggles. Thank god for that. It was entirely reflex from treating conversations with Steamin’ as insult practice.

 

“Okay, well! I’ll take that as a compliment.”

 

“Or...better yet: you look like one of my dad’s younger Parrothead friends, the one who’s really into sports fishing and cleans pools for a living.”

 

Alex snorted. “Well, I do like margaritas...AND pools so…” He narrowed one eye and peered at him, still smiling. “Is this negging? Are you trying to neg me right now?”

 

Ryland shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Naw, just...force of habit.”

 

“Well, hey. No worries. Let’s get some drinks. I am DYING to get some shoestring fries.”

 

They made their way back to the main area of the club where Alex stopped over by the bar to order his drink, Ryland trailing behind him. They found a table near one of the less visually disorienting neon wall sculptures where Alex flagged down a waitress to order them a basket of fries to split. Alex ate most of them. It wasn't that they were bad, per se. Just unremarkable. That and he wasn't that hungry. 

 

They were chatting about nothing in particular when Alex peered over Ryland's shoulder. 

 

“Uh, dude. On your ten.”

 

Ryland was licking fry salt off his fingers when he paused and looked up. “On my what now?”

 

Alex jerked his head to the side and went back to his drink, somewhat unamused.

 

Not too far away was a table of tipsy women, the blonder one of the three making eyes in their direction and smiling with invitation.

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah, I think they’re checkin’ you out, dude.”

 

Ryland raised an eyebrow and turned back around. “Me? Naw, I don’t think so.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Um, _because_...why would they be checkin’ _me_ out instead of _you_? I mean, I look like a sweaty bag of garbage and you look like a…”

 

Alex lifted his head and smirked. “Oh yeah? What do I look like?”

 

Ryland sputtered. “I don’t fuckin’...you look like a Greek god or something.”

 

Alex huffed out a soft laugh. “Which Greek god?”

 

“I don’t...Adonis, I guess.”

 

“Ah, not _technically_ a god. See, Adonis was Aphrodite’s consort who-”

 

“Look, forget it! What I’m saying is...that chick is totally checkin’ YOU out and...I dunno. Maybe you should...do something about it?”

 

Alex poked his head back over Ryland's not unlike a curious prairie dog for a moment at the table nearby and then back to his drink. “Not my type.”

 

Ryland scowled. “ ‘Not your _type_ ’?”

 

Alex gave a shrug. “I mean...yeah.”

 

Ryland stole a glance behind him when the women weren't looking at their table. Okay, maybe she was on the side of “dirty blonde” more than actual blonde with her dark roots creeping across her scalp and that low-cut top with her cleavage spilling out telegraphed a little too obviously she was her to pick up guys. Other than that, a little trashy, sure, but he wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating lasagna.

 

“Soooo, what IS your type?”

 

Alex stared off into the distance, humming thoughtfully. “I don’t know. I don’t really...HAVE a type.”

 

“Really? Not even just a preference?”

 

“Naw, not really.”

 

Ryland smacked his lips in thought. “Okay, when you’re watching porn, what tags do you search?”

 

Alex gulped down his drink. “Female-friendly...but I don’t really watch porn. Mostly I read erotica or look up pictures or GIFs more than actual videos.”  

 

“Huh. Really?”

 

“Yeah, dude.” Alex frowned with sudden wariness. “You’re...not gonna make me _watch_ porn with you at some point, are you?”

 

Ryland scoffed, offended. “Uh...no. Why would I?”

 

Alex winced uncomfortably. “‘Cuz...I’ve hung out with guys, had roommates and stuff who wanted to do that and it just made me feel weird. I guess some think of it as bonding?”

 

Alex snorted and shook his head. “Yeaaaah, no.”

 

“Heh, good. I guess to some guys, seeing each other’s O faces is part of being bros-”

 

“Yeah, I getcha. I think my friend in high school-”

 

“Pube 'stashe?”

 

“Yeah, he’d...I dunno, it would come off as threatening, wanting to jerk off together but I never did.”

 

“EWWWWW!” Alex playfully shivered. “Yeah, good call. That LAST thing I’d want to see is that guy pounding his pud anywhere near me!”

 

They shared a laugh and Ryland coughed as the laughter subsided. They could have changed the subject to something else but Ryland's interest was piqued.

 

“But yeah, I should hook you up sometime.”

 

Alex looked at him, perplexed. “With who?”

 

“Y’know, a girl. Somebody. When’s the last time you got laid?”

 

To that, Alex blushed suddenly. “Uhm...I...a...while.”

 

“Oh. Do you... _have_ something?”

 

“What, like an STD or something?! JEEZ! No! Nothing...nothing like that…”

 

Ryland frowned. He wasn’t sure if he was pushing too hard not but seeing Alex clam up like that kept him from going further. Having Steamin’ as his only in real life friend in high school meant as well as near constant one-upmanship was a frankly exhausting routine of teasing and pushing each other’s buttons, everything being fair game. Alex just didn’t seem like that and this subject, in particular, seemed to have struck a particularly raw nerve.

 

“I...dude, I’m sorry. I just...I dunno. You’re a good-lookin’ guy and I just thought-”

 

Alex shot him a cold look. “Yeah, well...I appreciate your CONCERN about my love life but...no offense, I really don’t want a dirty nasty fuck with some girl I don’t know in a bathroom or some shit.”

 

Ryland jerked his head back, holding his hands up in defense. “I...okay! I just meant like...set you up with my cousin.”

 

Alex ducked his head in apology. “Oh. Okay. Sorry. I just...don’t want you to assume just because I...act like that on stage I’m like a...stud...or good with women. I’m actually pretty shy. Hell, in high school, my quote-unquote girlfriends didn’t see me as anything but blowjob practice or somebody to carry shopping bags when we’d go to the mall.”

 

It was true, unfortunately. He had assumed a lot, just from Alex’s stage presence. Guess you never could tell. Then again, this was only the second time they’d really hung out together.

 

“No, I get it. I didn’t mean to bring that up if it’s...something you don’t want to talk about.”

 

“It’s fine, man. I know you’re only trying to help but...honestly, so many of my other guy friends thought something was wrong with me because I don’t really feel the need to...y’know, chase women and treat the whole thing like life and death but I’m fine. I mean, most women assume I’m gay anyway so-”

 

“Why do they think that?”

 

“Because I like poetry and I’m sensitive and I don’t catch most obvious flirting cues and overall I’m usually pretty awkward and shit. But hey, at least I’m nice. That’s what all the girls who broke up me said. ‘Alex, you’re a nice guy BUT…’” Alex rolled his eyes and shrugged. “You get the idea. I don’t have a complex about it but yeah.” He straightened and looked somewhere off to the side. “Anyway, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

 

Ryland’s lips tightened. “I...okay. Fair enough.”

 

Note to self: don’t try to push Alex into picking up women. He didn’t even know if his female cousin and Alex would even be compatible or even just get along. He just knew she was single and extremely thirsty reading her Twitter.

 

Begrudgingly, Alex muttered. “You should totally say ‘Hi’ though to that chick, though. I won’t stop you.”

 

Ryland turned back to the table and gave the blonde a wave. In a split second, her warm, come-hither expression turned sour and she sneered at him before scoffing and turning her face away.

 

“ _Ouch_.” He turned back to Alex and laughed it off. So much for that. “Almost as if she was checking out the hot guy and not the sweaty bag of garbage.”

 

“C’mon, man. You’re not _that_ bad.”

 

“What? I’m just being honest, especially compared to you.”

 

“Pfft, really? The buff guy and the guy who looks like he’d blow over in a strong breeze? But no, you’re…” Alex hummed. “You’ve got a...nice stand-up comedian physique.”

 

Ryland scowled but Alex laughed, somewhat apologetically as he rubbed the back of his neck. 

 

“Sorry. Heh, that’s another reason why I’m not good with women. I kinda suck at giving compliments that don’t sound like insults. That or I just get completely tongue-tied and don't know what to say." 

 

Before Ryland could say anything to that, Alex’s face lit up suddenly and he grinned. “Hey, wanna see something cool?”

 

Ryland raised an eyebrow to that. “Uh...depends.”

 

“Finish your drink first.”

 

Alex got up and Ryland drained his bottle of beer before getting up and following him as he lead him through the back of the club, down the hallway where the bathrooms were. 

 

On the right was a door by itself, a criss-cross of yellow tape blocking the front and Alex shot him a naughty grin before untapping one end from the wall. As the tape fluttered to the ground, he pulled the door open, leading him inside. 

 

The only thing lighting the spacious, unoccupied room was blue and red neon lights, illuminating floating motes of dust. It was completely round with a sunken pit of seats in the middle, with a round platform rising up and topped with a metal stripper pole. 

 

“Uh...what is this?”

 

Alex spread his arms around him. “This is...or _was_...Vixen’s champagne room.”

 

Ryland looked around, letting his eyes adjust to the lights. “How did you know where this was?”

 

Alex turned to him and dropped his arms, looking him right in the eye. “Ry...I have something to tell you. I...was a drug mule in deep with the mob.”

 

Ryland’s momentarily shocked expression made Alex’s deadpan look crumble as he broke into snorting giggles, making Ryland scowl and shove the other man in the arm.

 

“Dude, fuck off! I thought you were serious!”

 

“Naw, man. I did a side job with a bunch of contractors helping renovate Vixen from a trashy titty bar to a slightly less trashy club, sans titties. The official story was it was closed for health code violations and the owner didn’t have money to fix the MANY reasons for that. I would know. I had to help change out the floors and insulation in this place, among other things.”

 

“Huh.”

 

“That’s not the only thing I wanted to bring you for, though." 

 

Alex stooped down and pulled up his pant leg, taking something out of his sock. He straightened up revealing it to be a wrinkled plastic bag, with a joint sitting suspended at the bottom. 

 

“Ever...blazed it in the champagne room?”

 

\---

After a few passes, Ryland waved the joint away as Alex handed it back to him, coughing.

 

“Pff, naw, ‘m good.”

 

“Awright…”

 

Ryland slumped back in the seat, passing his hand over the dusty plush, looking up at the spotty ceiling tiles. Gross. 

 

“I wonder how many lap dances and fuckin...shady business deals this place has seen…”

 

Alex cough-laughed. “Hundreds, prolly. Prolly the same number as cases of food poisoning. The kitchen was FOUL and I only came in pretty near when it was closed down. The mold alone was enough put you off cocktail shrimp forever.”

 

Ryland lolled against the back of the seat looking at how the neon gilded Alex’s face as he put out the joint and put it back in his sock before slumping back. There might have been other things worth looking at but he couldn't help his eyes falling on the open V of his shirt, gaping open to reveal a spiky pendant nestled against his chest hair.

 

“Dude...I know you don’t want to me to bring this up like, again but...you are like...suuuuper fuckin’ hot.”

 

The smooth repose on Alex's face gave away to an embarrassed furrow of his brow as he sputtered, screwing his face up. “Tch, RY...oh my god, shut UP.”

 

“I’m SERIOUS! Like...if I was a girl, I’d do aaaaanything to suck you off.”

 

“Heh. Is that so?” Alex smirked under his hair. It was hard to tell but it almost looked as if Alex was starting to blush by the way his lips twitched and his cheeks widened under the sheen of colored light. 

 

“Yeah, don’t...don’t sell yourself short, man. I’m DEAD sure that girl looking at you from the other table, y’know...she TOTALLY wanted that D.” Just because he broke off into laughter didn’t mean he wasn’t sincere about it.

 

Alex snorted and shook his head. “Yeah, well...would she still want my D if I decided to fuckin’...recite some Petrarchan sonnet at her?”

 

“Pe-ch WHAT?!” Ryland joined Alex in a belly laugh. “You’re such a fuckin’ _nerd_.”

 

“Hey! It's not my fault I got good grades in English Lit. Fat load of good it did me in the end. How…” Alex grunted as he stretched his arms above his head before dropping them. “Like...often will I be asked to recite some William Blake?”

 

“Tch. Could do good on Jeopardy.”

 

“Probably.”

 

They lapsed into silence for what seemed like an eternity before Alex grunted and got to his feet, wobbling. “Gotta pee. Be back in a sec.”

 

Ryland grunted and followed Alex shamble back to the door with his eyes but otherwise didn’t move from where he was, smacking his lips. God, he was thirsty again. 

 

He heard the doorknob rattle and there was a slight pause before Alex gave it another rattle. “What the fuck...I can’t open the door.”

 

Ryland turned in his seat. “What, is it stuck?”

 

“Kinda? Just-” Alex rattled the knob harder, now gripping it with both hands before dropping them with a huff. “It feels like something is blocking the door.”

 

Ryland rose carefully. As he got closer, Alex moved aside as he tried it.

 

He gave the doorknob a jiggle but the knob didn’t turn. Not only that, but the door wouldn't move at all. 

 

“Shit. Wow. That really is stuck.”

 

Alex turned to him and blinked. “Kay...we have two options: sex...or eating each other.”

 

Ryland scoffed. “Shut up, dude. It’s probably old just-” He put his shoulder to the door and pushed but it wouldn’t budge. It almost felt something heavy and immovable was pressing it closed from the other side. Weird. 

 

Ryland startled when he heard Alex gulp close to his ear. “Ry, you know...when I said that there was an official story about why Vixen was closed? Well, there was an unofficial story. Apparently...there was this rumor that one of the dancers was murdered and they hid her body and that’s why it was closed down.”

 

“Alex-”

 

“For REAL! That’s what I heard!”

 

Ryland rolled his eyes harshly. God, why was he encouraging him? The whole thing was ludicrous. “Oh yeah? What did she die of?”

 

Alex bit his thumbnail. “Uhm...either it was her heel broke and she fell off the stage or she was strangled.”

 

Great. Not even a consistent urban legend.

 

“Uh HUH, where was she hidden?”

 

“In the…” Alex went goggle-eyed as he looked around in sudden realization. “...the champagne room.”

 

“Oh. I GET it. You fuckin’ set this whole thing up.” He kicked the door. “Probably got some guy holding the door closed out there.” He shouted through the door, banging on it with his fist. “OKAY! YOU GOT ME! VERY FUNNY. YOU CAN LET US OUT NOW!”

 

He was poised to start banging on it again but Alex grabbed his shoulder, stopping him. 

 

“Ry, I’m not doing this! I just wanted...I dunno, get high with you and then maybe we get out of here and get some ice cream.”

 

Ryland scowled. “You serious?”

 

“I’m DEAD serious, dude! Why would-”

 

There was a click as the lights went off, making Alex shout in surprise and then the lights came back on, only...instead of the tanning bed blue, it was only the sickly, candy-like red neon. 

 

“Ohhhh...shit…”

 

Alex started breathing harder, hugging his arms to his chest and rocking in place. “Shiiiit…”

 

“Alex, ALEX.” Ryland grabbed the other man by the sides of his arms and gave him a shake as his breathing starting to quicken into hyperventilating. “Calm the fuck DOWN. I’m sure there’s a...rational explai-”

 

There was sudden cracking noise that made them both jump and exclaim.

 

“Ryyyy, it’s the ghost of Cherry Cream!,” Alex whined.

 

“Who?”

 

“The stripper, the stripper was murdered here...right here and...and she’s gonna kill us…” 

 

“HEY! We are NOT gonna die.” Ryland gave Alex another shake to stop his frightened babbling. “We are going to through this. Now think: is there another way in here?”

 

Alex hung his head, guilty. “No…”

 

“There aren’t any vents or-”

 

“NO, it...Ry, this place wasn’t up to _any_ kind of code. If health code violations wouldn’t do it, this whole room itself is one big fire hazard just waiting to happen.”

 

That news shook him. No wonder this room was closed off in the first place. They were sitting in a room full of smoke that had nowhere to go but through the narrow gap underneath the door. 

 

“Ry...I’m scared...” Alex’s voice was a faint whimper.

 

Deep down, he had to admit he was too but he wasn’t sure if was more about the possibility of ghosts or more that they might both die of asphyxiation.

 

Great job, Ryland: agreeing to get high in a room that was closed off for an extremely good reason and not just to keep idiots like them from sneaking in and getting high like dumbass teenagers.

 

He gulped unsteadily. Damn cottonmouth. “I...know. But I can’t have you freaking out. If you freak out too, I’ll freak out even more and…”

 

Alex blinked at him as if in understanding but with the light, it was incredibly hard to know for sure. “So...what do we do?”

 

Ryland scoffed, looking around. There was no furniture anywhere so they couldn’t try to break the door down. He didn’t need to look to know or safely assume that stripper pole was probably firmly bolted to that platform in the middle of the room.

 

“I…” He realized he was still holding Alex, more to keep him from falling apart but he didn’t let go, his sweaty palms slipping against the other man’s bare arms. His heart was fit to beat right out his chest at the dawning realization they were trapped in here. “I…don’t know. Shit, I don’t _know_ …”

 

Alex locked his eyes with him. “Ry...I’ve got...an idea.”

 

Ryland scoffed, trying at least to laugh to put on a brave face. “I’m...fuckin’ ALL ears.”

 

“I think...we gotta appease the ghost somehow.”

 

“Oh.” _That_ kind of idea. “Alex, this isn’t-”

 

“Look, we don’t HAVE any options! I’m NOT dying because you don’t believe in supernatural forces! We trespassed on ITS territory and it wants to make an example of us-”

 

“ ‘We’?! You’re the one who-”

 

“Look, you can try breaking the door down again but it's the _only_ way!”

 

Ryland dropped his hands and harshly passed a hand over his head. “Okay, okay! FINE. HOW do we appease the ghost?”

 

“I...we gotta dance...then the spirit can...fuckin’ be at peace…” Somehow both determined and dazed, Alex stumbled towards the round platform.

 

“ALEX, what the fu-”

 

Alex's head whipped back to him and Ryland shrunk at that look. “Look, do you WANT to pole dance or are you gonna let ME do it?!”

 

Ryland held his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay! You do it. Do you even...know how to pole dance?”

 

“Yeah, I...took a class. It’s not really...important right now.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, it…” He shook his head. “I thought it would help me with performing onstage and stuff. I’ll tell you all about it later. Right now, I need you to find a song for me to dance to on your phone.”

 

“I-”

 

He was momentarily frozen in inaction as he watched Alex shakily shuck off his clothes before he straightened up, shooting him a scarily determined look. “RY!”

 

“OKAY, OKAY!”

 

He took out his phone and scrolled through the music folder.

 

With the smoke sitting trapped inert in the room and his accelerated heart rate, he was having entirely too much difficulty breathing, even more, when he took a good at Alex pacing around the platform now stripped down to his boxer briefs and socks.

 

Shit, were all those harmless compliments now coming back to bite him in the ass?

 

He already thought that jumpsuit Alex wore didn’t leave a lot to the imagination but clearly, he was mistaken, if the only scrap of modesty was tightly hugging the other man's crotch, outlining every contour and curve. 

 

Was it the tightness in his throat and chest the smoke, the heat, the rising tide of panic or just plain garden-variety jealousy? _Shit, it's bad enough he's better looking than me, does he really have to have a bigger dick than me, too?_

 

“Ry, I...fuckin’...need to you sit down…” he heard Alex mutter.

 

“Huh? What...what does it matter if I’m-”

 

“Because it’s _distracting_ me, you fuckin’ hovering over there!” he shouted before huffing and continuing to restlessly pace around the narrow platform. 

 

“Okay, okay, just...chill.”

 

He circled around and back on his original seat, looking up and DAMN, from this angle, the sight really wasn’t helping. Alex’s legs seemed to go on for miles on end. 

 

Alex cleared his throat and quickly gestured. “Okay, what do you got?”

 

“Uh…” He scrolled quickly with his thumb. “I don’t really have a lot of songs to pole dance to.” He scrolled more and sucked his teeth. “‘Living dead girl’ but-”

 

“No, that’s fine. We can work with that.”

 

“Really? Considering the circumstances, doesn’t that seem just a little bit morbid or at least in bad taste?”

 

“No, dude, it’s fine. Just play it.”

 

Alex stood still before taking a few slow breaths and shaking his arms in some effort to loosen up. “Okay. Go.”

 

Ryland pushed play and the phone up so it would at least be audible through the phone’s tiny speakers, a wave of nauseous shivers going down his arms. Was it just him, the room itself or the situation that made the song sound much more...satanic and distorted? 

 

He didn't know what to do except keeping holding his phone aloft. So he watched. Watching Alex was like watching a dancer worked up in an unearthly trance. Through the heavy gauze of pot smoke, the red lights shining off the taut canvas of Alex’s bare skin, the heat and the almost blank look on his face, it was filling him with a lot of complicated emotions. 

 

Fear was one. Morbid awe was another, emphasis on the 'morbid'. He had been rightfully impressed by Alex's energetic stage show with his band but this was...jaw-dropping. Either this supposed pole dancing class was pretty recent or Alex was just _that_ good. Either way, he was utterly entranced by watching this guy bend and twist his body like an unholy spirit, bathed blood red like a man possessed. 

 

The thought came crashing through his jittery brain: Was Alex this good or was he being... _possessed_? This was all to appease the ghost but by playing THIS song, were they somehow making things worse? 

 

Amidst the chugging distorted guitar, there was the near constant sound of creaking and groaning like lamenting souls. 

 

I’m TOO high, Ryland thought in an almost blind panic. _I shouldn't have done this in a first place. This was a mistake. A HUGE mistake._

Looking around, it almost appeared the light was getting more intensely red, pulsing off and on like heartbeats. The walls around them seemed to dilate and tremble and Ryland felt like he was trapped inside a living, breathing... _thing_. He tried not to look anywhere except dead ahead, transfixed in spite of the swirling fears crashing in his brain like a tornado. 

 

All he could really do was watch. Watch Alex arch his back, whip his hair around, wind his hips around like a snake, basically work that pole like a pro and fuck, the LOOKs he shooting his way. It was blank but also... _hungry_. Like he was keeping a live, undulating cobra at bay with only the music. 

 

Honestly, he thought he had a pretty good lock on his heterosexuality but he didn’t know he was terrified or aroused by what he was watching, paralyzed but completely unable to look away. Maybe he was expecting something to happen, expecting a telltale sign of something ghostly or paranormal and not just overstimulated brain seeing terror everywhere.

 

He wished now with his all his heart this ghost would just kill them both now and spare him the embarrassment of what he was feeling, sinking hot and heavy in his chest down to his lap. 

 

Good god, after all that, Alex was panting hard with effort and Ryland shakily lowered his arm, feeling the blood course back to it. 

 

As Alex slowed down to a stop, a piece of ceiling tile crashed to the floor, making them both jump and yell.

 

“Shit, it didn’t work!” Alex whipped his head towards him, his eyes unblinking and intense.  “Ry, quick. I need to give you a lap dance-”

 

As he clambered off the stage, Ryland’s stomach dropped. As if to taunt him, the faint tickle of feeling in his lap grew, some part of him thinking 'YES'. 

 

“Wait, what?!” He made a move to hunch over, scrambling hide the half-chub sitting in his jeans before he felt Alex's bony legs sprawl clumsy against his body. 

 

“Ry, it’s the ONLY WAY!” Alex grabbed him by the shoulders, setting him back onto his seat and staring at him with wide eyes. “I don’t want to _die_ like this.”

 

“I...neither do I but-”

 

“Bro, it’s not gay if ghosts are involved. That’s just like...science.”

 

Before he could even refute that insane logic, Alex was straddling his lap, swinging his legs over and then SLAMMING his lower body hard onto his lap.

 

A galaxy of pain exploded behind his eyes.

 

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!”

 

“Shit, what?!”

 

“God...you fuckin...sat RIGHT on my dick!” He squeezed his eyes shut, blinking back tears of pain as his head thumped against the back of the seat. 

 

“I-Shit, I’m sorry, just-”

 

The door burst open and seeing in the doorway a black-clad security guard was enough of a cue for Ryland to surge up out of his seat, sending Alex tumbling to the floor with a groan before he popped his head up and hastily put his clothes and shoes back on.

 

“What the FUCK?! How did you two get in here?!” He looked around and sniffed the air. “Have been smoking DRUGS in here?!”

 

“Cheese it! It’s the fuzz! Ry, serpentine!”

 

Alex made a mad dash for the door and not immediately understanding what ‘serpentine’ meant, saw Alex quickly side-step the guard on one side as he entered the room more fully and attempted to lunge at him, he maneuvered as quick as he was able on the guard’s unprotected left side when his attention was split.

 

They converged in the middle and careened through the club, Ryland sure they were being chased down but too scared to look over his shoulder to know for sure before making their way to the front door. 

 

Ryland slowed to a stop, stumbling on his feet and almost collapsing on the asphalt as his lungs greedily drank in the icy night air, fighting the sudden impulse to throw up. His head was still spinning out of control but at least they were out.

 

“Holy shit...that was…” Alex gulped as he clutched his knees, trying to catch his breath. “...fuckin’ intense.”

 

“Yeah…” He swallowed in quick gulps, keeping the nauseous bubbles from going up his throat. 

 

A stray thought bumped into his head. Were they going to acknowledge the fact that Alex attempted to give him a lap dance? If not, the halo of red-hot pain radiating out of his crotch hadn’t forgotten.

 

Slowly, they locked eyes...and then broke down and laughed, more out of a delayed sense of relief than anything. 

 

“Holy FUCK. Dude, I’ve NEVER been that scared!" Ryland admitted. Spots were dancing in front of his eyes. Was it the relief that was still making him want to throw up? 

 

“Yeah, me neither. Hey for real, though...you were fuckin’ amazing.”

 

“Me? Pffft, naw. You were the one who-”

 

“Yeah but you...you were my rock. I would have LOST it I had been alone in there.”

 

Ryland rubbed the back his neck, shrugging off that odd compliment. “Sooo. you gonna tell me about this pole dancing class or what?”

 

“Oh…” Alex shrugged. “I mean...there’s not that much to tell. I just took it to get better at performing, learn some flexibility and stuff.” Scratching the back of his head, Alex chuckled. “Actually came in handy, though.”

 

Ryland wanted to say now he doubted there was even a ghost in the first place but he couldn’t find the words or even the logic to try to find a rational explanation for any of it. Maybe if he wasn’t still stoned he might but he couldn’t deny in the present as was happening, he was absolutely terrified.

 

“Yeah, you were...something else," was all he could say to sum up... _that_. 

 

“Yeah, man! We fuckin’ did it. The spirit is at peace now!” Alex fist-bumped him and he wrinkled his nose with amusement but swallowed any deflating comment that came popping into his mind. Honestly, he didn’t know if there was a ghost or not in the first place because it didn’t matter.

 

“Yeah, let’s go to IHop or something…” He bent at the waist and groaned, grabbing his knees. “I need some ice for my dick.”

 

“Oh...shit. Ry, I’m sorry. I’ve never given a lap dance before so-”

 

“Yeah, well...hopefully you never will have to again. CHRIST." 

 

“Awww, I’m sorry, buddy. I’ll treat you to some pancakes.”

 

Ryland flinched as Alex wrapped his arms around in a hug that was thankfully more concentrated around his upper body, away from his sore crotch. Alex hummed in his ear before letting him go and smiling at him. 

 

Dammit, he couldn’t even stay mad at Alex, even after almost breaking his dick in half.

 

“Alright, but hey…” He gave Alex a pat on the arm to get his attention before pointing at him. “We NEVER speak a word of this to ANYBODY, okay?”

 

Alex nodded quickly. “Sure. I gotcha.”

 

Ryland winced at the quick and almost glib tone of his voice. “Look, I _mean_ it. We could have gotten in a lot of trouble and-”

 

“No, man. I understand.” Alex half-smiled. “Honestly, I know it wasn’t the ideal set of circumstances and it was fuckin’ scary but...y’know...I never had friends in high school to do crazy, dangerous dumb shit with.”

 

Ryland raised an eyebrow and gave a half-smirk. “Oh. so you always wanted to be a bad boy, huh?”

 

Alex’s bashful smile widened. “Yeah, I...actually kind of envied you and your friend. Pube 'stashe guy. You just seemed like cool bad kids but I was too...chickenshit to even-”

 

“Hey.” Ryland put his arm around Alex's shoulder. “You don’t even need to compete with that asshole. We can be a Bad Boy posse of two, just you and me. You check out in my book.” and Ryland gave him a wink.

 

Alex chuckled lightly but couldn’t wipe the smile off his face.

 

Ryland didn’t even want to burst Alex’s bubble by admitting as far as ‘bad kids’ went, he was all bark and no bite. Not once in high school did he get into an actual fight, even though he was sent to detention a lot and barely graduated because of Killcore. 

 

“But hey.” He gave Alex’s shoulder a squeeze. “Let’s take this Bad Boy posse to IHop.”

 

\---

“Ry? Ry? You still there? RYYYYYYLA-”

 

“What?! Yeah, I’m still here, just…”

 

The first clue left him with a warm fuzzy feeling. This one...less so. If anything, he wanted to claw his own skin off in embarrassment or throw up. Or both. 

 

“What...why did you want to make me remember this?" he muttered, light-headed and almost in a daze. 

 

“Because! I mean, it was scary as shit but we got through it, together! I just thought-”

 

God. When it all came rushing back, paranoia slithered right along with it. “You...gave me a lap dance and I got...I got a…”

 

Shit, maybe Alex DIDN’T know he’d started to get hard from seeing him pole-dance. It was only for a second. How could Alex possibly know? If he didn’t, bringing it up would just taint this memory. This weird but kind of sweet memory. “Nevermind, I mean-”

 

“ ‘Got a’ what? A boner? Pffft. Yeah, I knew about that.”

 

“YOU KNEW?!” He shouted before he lowered his voice. Technically he wasn’t supposed to be back here in the first place. Still. Where on earth did Alex get off being so nonchalant about this?!  “You KNEW I got-”

 

“Yeah, I mean...when you said not to tell anybody, I figured that’s what you meant. And I meant it. I didn’t tell anybody. ERR...wait...”

 

“WHO?! Who did you TELL?!”

 

“Calm down, I told my therapist but that doesn’t COUNT. Honestly, I’d be a shitty friend if I told anybody we got high and then when the door wouldn’t open...things got….preeeeetty gay. Scary. But also gay. But yeah, I don’t think HE’S going to tell anybody. Plus I figured...at the time anyway that it was the weed that made you get a boner.”

 

“Oh. YEAH. Yeah. It...was.”

 

Smooth recovery, Ryland.

 

“But yeah. Do you...still want to keep going? I understand if you don’t. This was kinda...I ‘unno.”

 

Ryland slumped down on the platform with the stripper pole, glancing at the paper clutched in his sweaty hand. Alex was giving him an out. He could drive back home, they’d maybe share a laugh over the whole experience, reminisce about the crazy night spent trapped in Vixen’s old champagne room thinking there was a ghost.

 

And yet…

 

If the first two clues shone a light on something that wasn’t that far in the past but still so part of their bond, their friendship, what else did Alex want to show him? What kind of friend was he that he couldn’t even remember these things happening on his own, that he needed to be guided to them, shone to him in order to see it staring him in the face? 

 

Ryland swallowed, feeling a sting behind his eyes. Dammit, was he about to start crying? Jesus, what was _with_ him today?

 

“No, I...I want to keep going. I mean, this is all still...really weird but I kinda...want to see where this goes.”

 

“Alright. Well, you have the clue so…”

 

“Yeah,” Ryland grunted as he got up and went to the door, going for the doorknob on reflex and finding it wouldn’t open.

 

Crap. Not again.

 

He rattled the knob then recalled something before pushing it open.

 

Of course. Of fucking COURSE.

 

He chuckled, shaking his head. “Alex...you know WHY the door didn’t open?”

 

“You mean BESIDES the ghost?”

 

“Naw, dude...it’s a pull door, not a push door. We were trying to pull it open but it opens the other way. Like…” He chuckled harder. “We were so HIGH, we were opening it wrong and thought it was stuck and we were trapped inside. We could have just...holy shit, we were so fuckin’ STUPID…”

 

“Naw. Pretty sure it was the ghost,” Alex said resolutely.

 

“ALEX. You really _still_ think it was a ghost, after all this time?”

 

“Yeah, Ryland, I DO! I didn’t tell you at the time but I felt a...presence. Like...when I was dancing, I felt like I wasn’t in control of my own body.”

 

Ryland frowned to himself as he made his way through the bar, back out through the front door. Dammit, why was Alex trying to freak him out after the fact?

 

“You sure it wasn’t all the weed smoke and the fact there was no fan or air conditioning? Like...maybe all that just made you dizzy or something.”

 

“Okay, believe what you want, _Scully._ You’re telling me you didn’t feel something...HEH. Besides a little chub?”

 

Ryland’s hand froze on the car-door handle. “Dude, that’s NOT _funny_!”

 

Instead, Alex cackled harder. “C’moooon. What’s a little secret boner between friends?”

 

Ryland grumbled as he slid into the driver seat. “I fuckin’ hate you.” and Alex laughed again.

 

“Love you too,” Alex cooed playfully. “Anyway, I’m going to leave you to the next clue. Talk to you later.”

 

And with that, Alex hung up.  

 

Ryland scowled but gradually his expression started to soften.

 

Well, out of all the friends he had, the meager handful he still had, there were worse guys to get a boner over, even in that bizarre set of circumstances.

 

Even if couldn’t admit that to Alex to his face, he could grudgingly admit that to himself.

 

He always wondered why after that night, listening to “Living Dead Girl” made his lap feel warm. Guess now he knew why.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Ryland gets closer to the end, a picture starts to emerge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter got really heavy. My b. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for depression, mention of suicide and past suicide attempts, mention of self-harm, and dissociation

When Alex got off the phone, he could not stop laughing.

 

He figured Ryland might be understandably uneasy about retreading past experiences where things between them got weird but he had no idea Ryland was THAT far in denial. Leave it to Ryland to try and find a not-gay explanation for getting an erection to him dancing. 

 

What did that bode later on, though? Would Ryland just keep skeptically denying everything up until the end? What would his reaction even be? 

 

Then again, Ryland said he wanted to keep going. Was it just curiosity at this point or was it something else?

 

He hadn’t been lying before: it seemed incredibly easy to just write that incident off as a bizarre weed-induced freak out like Ryland seemed to have but he couldn't. The effect might not have been paranormal but he couldn’t forget the look on Ryland’s face when he was dancing. It was much more than merely impressed but...hypnotized. He had been scared out of his mind but knowing, seeing Ryland there made him feel strangely calm but also powerful: towering above him and feeling the effect it was having on the other man, burning off him in sizzling waves. 

 

Alex shuddered, rolling over on Ryland’s bed. He knew he wasn’t supposed to be napping here when Ryland was out but he couldn’t help doing it. There was something thrillingly childish about it plus it was just comfortable and nice, wrapped in his smell. It wasn't like Ryland could prove he was sleeping in his bed anyway. He always made sure to remake the bed or ruffle up the sheets and blankets back up. Like he was never even there. 

 

I really shouldn’t...he thought as his hand squeezed himself through his jeans before slipping it inside just as quickly. If anything, the thought of Ryland somehow finding him here added a dimension to things, spinning a whole fantasy out in his mind like something out of a gay porn: Ryland coming in and finding him curled on his bed playing with himself. Oh sure, he’d be angry...at first. Maybe come charging in while he was trying to choke out an apology but he’d grab him and pull him in for a hard, passionate, possessive kiss. Yeah, maybe even call him a ‘dirty whore’. He closed his eyes and bit his lip. Maybe Ryland would swat his hand away and slide his own hand down there, growling into his ear.

 

_Bet you do this all the time when I’m not home, huh? Just wait for me to come back so I can USE you?_

 

He’d try to deny it (of course) but Ryland would start stroking his dick in earnest if only to coax a response out of him, nice and slow. He clutched at one of Ryland’s pillows, muffling his soft noises of pleasure before biting into the cool cotton.

 

Yes...he’d whimper. Use me, Ryland. Do whatever you want to me.

 

He got so briefly wrapped up in the fantasy, he almost jumped right off the bed when he heard his cell go off with the ringtone he assigned to Ryland. 

 

Trying to catch his breath, he grabbed his with his free hand and immediately took his hand out of his underwear, swiping his finger over the screen.

 

“Hey...R-Ryland. What’s uh...up?”

 

“Tch, was I interrupting something?”

 

Alex laughed nervously. “Nuh...I mean, no. I was just taking a nap.”

 

“Tsk. You really should get some different medication. You nap more than a friggin’ cat on it.”

 

“Yeah well...it’s a pretty mild side-effect.” Alex ignored the throb of his neglected cock before pushing it down with the heel of his hand. “So what’s up? You’re not... _mad_ at me for the last clue, are you?”

 

“What? No...I mean…’mad’ isn’t the word I’d use. I guess I just really just made myself forget it because it was such a...y’know. A weird thing that happened. Tch, I still can’t believe you think I’m BRAVE for anything I did then.”

 

“Well...you were to me. If I was by myself, I would have lost my goddamn mind.”

 

Ryland scoffed. “Thanks for that...I guess.”

 

Alex licked his lips thoughtfully. Now that he had him on the line and he was pretty close to the end, he almost wanted to soften the surprise. Even though he would have liked Ryland to come back completely on board to have sex, he also knew Ryland needed some...nudging along from time to time with things. “Hey, so...Ryland?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“How would you react if this treasure was more...metaphorical than literal?”

 

“... _What_?”

 

The hard, flat tone of his voice hastened Alex to nervously laugh, suppressing the fear that Ryland was pissed off at him for bursting his bubble. 

 

“W-what I mean is...it’s not really an object like...gold or like...anything like ACTUAL pirate treasure...b-but! It’s still valuable...to me, at least.”

 

Alex’s heart stopped through the pause.

 

“Like...the treasure of...spending time together?”  

 

Alex chewed his lips furiously. God, he hated keeping secrets. Ryland was so tantalizingly close to actually figuring it out on his own. It was almost touching. 

 

“Y-yeah. Something like that. I just...I didn’t want you to get mad at me because you were expecting like...gold or jewels.”

 

“Tch. Where would _you_ have jewels?”

 

“Hey man, you don’t know. I could have inherited some from a rich, distant relative. But if I did...I would want to share it with you. My bestest bud.”

 

Ryland chuckled. He could almost hear Ryland roll his eyes. “Okay, _how_ stoned are you right now?”

 

“HEY!” Alex laughed. “I just...okay, I am kiiiinda baked but...I just...sometimes I worry you...get sick of having me around.”

 

“What? Wait, when have I ever-”

 

“I mean, you don’t say it but sometimes just...my track record...I guess in the back of my mind, I always expect something to happen that’d make you...kick me out or something.”

 

“ALEX. Look...it’d take a LOT for me to kick you out. I...care about you, man and I’m...fuck, I’m so used to having you around. Just...it wouldn’t be the same without you. I’d miss you like crazy, man. Like…” Ryland trailed off and huffed thickly.

 

Alex sat up more fully. Was Ryland going to admit it... _now_?

 

Ryland sighed harshly. “Goddammit. I don’t know what I’m fuckin’ saying. I just...I don’t want you to think that you owe me something for letting you stay with me because you don’t. You’re my best friend and I care about you, just...” Ryland trailed off sighed again. “SHIT….is it weird that I want to like...hold you right now?”

 

Alex gulped. “Like...a hug?”

 

The pause that followed was entirely too long. He knew that, deep down. 

 

“...yeah, like a hug.”

 

“No. It’s not weird. You give pretty sweet hugs...which isn’t often, to be fair.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Mhmm.”

 

“Tch. Alright. I’ll give you one when I get back. How close am I to the end?”

 

“Uhm...not too far.”

 

“ ‘Kay. I was just asking in case I need to pick up something for dinner.”

 

“We can order something when you get back. We still have a couple pizza coupons left.”

 

“Ah. Cool. Well, I’ll call you if I need anything, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

Alex bit his tongue. He wanted to say it now, those three small words that they probably said a million times to one another as friends, only just as friends. Now those words felt weighed on his tongue. Still, he was too much of a coward to say it now. It still felt too soon.

 

He swallowed. “See you soon, man.”

 

“You too.”

 

The phone went dead.

 

Alex swallowed again. Well, enough stalling. Ryland had only a few stops left. He better get ready.

 

\---

As soon as Ryland got closer to his destination, he instantly felt unmoored. This wasn’t a bar or club: the clue was leading him to a Barnes and Noble.

 

Whatever. He was prepared for whatever this clue would lead him to.

 

He took the paper inside with him after he parked his car, glancing at it as he went down the aisles. It said something about ‘monsters’ and the ‘land of the rising sun’ before he veered towards the DVD section and saw in the distance poking out of the rows of DVD’s a ruled slip of paper.

 

Looking over his shoulder, he hastily went up to it, seeing it was wedged between two Godzilla DVD’s, before pulling it out and unfolding it. 

 

_Hey, Ryland._

_So turns out writing like a pirate is super fucking hard. I figured if you made it this far, I can drop the act and be more honest about what I’m trying to say without all the ‘ye’ stuff._

 

_To give you a peek behind the curtain, I had actually started thinking about this scavenger hunt thing about a week ago. Mostly I wanted to do something special for you for Valentine’s Day. I know I don’t have much to offer as far as $$$ but you’re important to me and I wanted to show you how much you mean to me, in my own weird way haha._

 

_This one is a specific incident if you remember. I called you up one night and had you spend the night after I went through a bad break-up. I really don’t talk about my depression because honestly, I hate the reaction most people have like I can’t be happy AND also have depression. I know you felt worried and protective of me but really, just you being there with me helped me out a lot. When I’m in those moods, I really do think sometimes I’d be better off if I was just gone, that nobody would miss me if I just disappeared. It’s weird. I KNOW it’s not true but sometimes my mind makes me believe it is if that makes any sense._

 

_I know back then you had a...I want to say a skewed view of depression but just remembering when you made me promise you that I wouldn’t kill myself...I’ll be honest, I was a little embarrassed you’d think I’d kill myself, especially over a girl. She wasn’t THAT great, let’s be perfectly honest. But once I got over that feeling, I don’t know. I’ve never had anybody get that choked up at just the idea I might end up hurting myself. I said I’ve never been suicidal because I didn’t want you worrying about me more but  I won't lie: I’ve gotten close a few times but thankfully never went through with it. Even after that night, it’s weird but I remembered that promise and the thought of you being sad if I did make me put things in perspective. I thought ‘Hell, if ONE person in the whole fucking world would cry over me, maybe I should just keep living.’ I mean, who else is going to school you on classic cinema, bro? ;)_

 

_Anyway, enough with the heavy shit. You have one more stop and then you’re done and the treasure is yours._

 

_Set your GPS to this address: _________________

_The clue is “MARGARITAVILLE”_

 

_Ciao_

_-Alex_

 

Before he’d gotten used to the corny pirate lingo but to see it switch completely off gave him a chill of foreboding right down his back. This wasn’t a fun treasure hunt anymore. Even Alex’s call earlier to say the treasure was 'metaphorical' (whatever he meant by that), made him more than a little disappointed. Maybe in the back of his mind, he had hoped there'd be chocolate.

 

But Alex was right. He did remember that night. It was actually pretty hard to forget.

 

\---

Ryland almost forgot that before Alex started staying with him, they hung out very sporadically. He’d go to as many of his band’s shows as he was able and they’d spend the rest of the time drinking or going someplace to eat that was still open, usually following Alex’s strange post-gig cravings.

 

Still, he was relieved in the aftermath of the “incident” at Vixen, Alex didn’t bring up what happened and he was fine pretending that never happened. It gave the first few times after they hung out a strange loaded tension, Ryland perpetually on edge for that shoe to drop. Alex didn’t seem to act any differently so he soon stopped consciously worrying about it.

 

They did eventually get each other cell numbers and friended each other on Facebook and he remembered a night drunkenly going through Alex’s photo albums by himself. Obviously, because it was Facebook there wasn’t anything too potentially titillating or inappropriate but it helped to fill in his understanding of Alex's life, apparently after high school. Mostly it just felt nice, looking at pictures of Alex had of his old job at Guitar Center posing with guitars he couldn’t afford, selfies by the pool or the beach wearing sunglasses and with that big goofy grin on his face or just hanging out, laid back and casual but visibly stoned or drunk.

 

He didn’t remember what he was doing except he was home playing some sandbox-type game doing sidequests when he heard his cell phone ring. He checked it and saw it was Alex and picked up and answered it.

 

“Hey, Alex. What’s up?” He wedged the phone between his ear and shoulder and unpaused the game.

 

“Um...h-hey, Ryland. Listen, are you free right now?”

 

Ryland frowned slightly. Maybe it was because of the game audio but Alex’s voice didn’t sound like his usual perky but laid-back self. He just sounded...off, somehow.

 

“Um...yeah, I mean...I’m not really doing anything right now. What’s up?”

 

“Oh.” Alex laughed but again, it didn’t sound right. If anything, it sounded hollow and joyless. “Sweet. Um...I just thought maybe...do you want to come over and...hang out and stuff?”

 

“Uh...sure. I’ll come over.”

 

“Awesome. Well uh...s-see you later.”

 

Before he had a chance to hang up, he heard Alex hastily add. “UH...y-you _are_ coming, right?”

 

“What? Yeah, man. Hey...is something wrong or-?”

 

Then Alex hung up.

 

Weird, he thought.

 

As he grabbed his jacket and got into his car, suddenly a host of possible worries crept into his mind. Alex had a dark sense of humor but he’d always laugh it off somehow but what if they weren’t jokes but thinly veiled cries for help? In particular, something Alex had said when he showed him the champagne room at Vixen came back to him. What if he WAS a former drug mule? Was he about to get involved in something possibly illegal?

 

By the time he got to Alex’s apartment, his brain was buzzing like a kicked over beehive and he was sweating bullets through his T-shirt.

 

He knocked on the door, hearing some listless shifting inside before it opened.

 

“Hey, man…”

 

Ryland was more than a little taken aback. Alex was stooped over slightly and smiled weakly at him before he straightened, his normally bright hazel-brown eyes looking dull and puffy around the edges. 

 

“C’mon in...heh...sorry it’s just a mess…”

 

Ryland let himself come in and suppressed a gag. The rotten garbage smell he'd learned to get used to was ten times worse than usual, mingled with the smell of weed and rotten Chinese food.

 

“Ugh! DUDE!” Ryland recoiled, clapping a hand over his nose.

 

He stole a glance at the garbage can in the kitchen area and it saw the trash spilling out the top was collecting flies as well as a festival of cockroaches. 

 

“Yeah, I didn’t...take out the trash yet.” Alex scratched the back of his head briefly before turning towards the TV area and sitting on the couch.

 

“Uh...so...what’s up?” Ryland warily looked around before sitting on the other side of couch carefully, moving aside a microwave burrito wrapper.

 

Alex didn't answer him at first, staring at some spot on the floor just in front of him with his fingers wrapped around his wrist. His face twitched and he scoffed, shaking his head. “I...It’s stupid-”

 

Ryland frowned. Who was he even talking to? Who had listened to Alex over and over talk his ear off about his stupidly complicated concept album idea about the princess falling in love with the robot? “Try me.”

 

Alex took a shaky breath, not taking his eyes off the dirty carpet. “I...my girlfriend broke up with me. Actually more like...I mean, she _did_ break up with me but she was...cheating on me.”

 

Ryland felt momentarily bad that he didn’t know who Alex was referring to. He knew not to broach that topic around Alex and his mild Facebook stalking meant there were more than a few pictures of Alex with cute girls but they were never really labeled as girls he was dating. He just assumed they were female friends of his. 

 

“Oh, I...didn’t know you had a girlfriend.”

 

Alex winced. “I mean...we weren’t dating that long or anything. At least I thought y’know...I mean, I guess I’m just used to not expecting anything from relationships. I’m so used to...things not working out for one reason or another but…” Alex hissed painfully as his voice thickened. “I really thought…” Breaking off his sentence, Alex hung his head, one hand grabbing at a chunk of curly tresses. “Fuck, I don’t know…”

 

“Hey…”

 

Ryland gingerly put his hand on Alex’s upper back and felt him shudder. He didn’t know if it was from the contact or that he was already on the edge. The other man's hair was curtaining his face but he heard him let a wet sniff and knew he was beginning to cry in earnest. 

 

He chose his next words carefully. What would usually be reasonably appropriate for a friend to say to another friend about a break-up would be something like ‘There’s other fish in the sea’ but that didn’t seem right to say now. It just felt too shallow and insincere.

 

All he felt capable of doing was passing his hand over Alex’s back as sobs stuttered through his body, trying to come with something, ANYTHING to say that would make him feel better. 

 

“Hey, man...I’m here for you. Really.”

 

Alex let out a phlegmy snort, completely slumped forward. “Thanks...that’s...not the only reason I...called you over. ‘Ang on…”

 

With an unfamiliar clumsiness, Alex got to his feet and stumbled out of the room. When he returned, he had a roll of toilet paper and proceeded to tear off a wad and blow his nose with it.

 

“Um...so...I made an appointment with my therapist but it’s tomorrow and...honestly, when I’m feeling this low, I don’t...trust myself to be alone right now with my...thoughts.”

 

“What do you mean?” As soon as he said those words aloud, he wanted to smack himself in the head. “I mean...why...me, though? Like...are you sure-?”

 

“YES I’M FUCKIN’ _SURE_!”

 

After talking all this time at a quiet murmur, Alex shouting at him made him almost jump out of his own skin.

 

Alex tugged at his hair and let out another choked sob. “I jus'... don’t want to be alone tonight. You can go in the morning, I just...stay with me. That’s all...that’s all I ask….please…”

 

He still had his hand on Alex’s upper back but he curled it further around the other man’s shoulder as Alex gradually fell sideways into him. He definitely wasn't on these terms with any other guys he knew but right now, he was fine letting Alex be the exception. He felt Alex shift, somehow feeling incredibly small and fragile like a ceramic figurine as his arms went around Alex and pulled him closer. With a sad mewl, Alex nestled his face against his chest, curling up into a ball, like he was trying to disappear into himself.

 

“I’m sorry...you have to deal with me...like this…” Alex mumbled.

 

It was a bit weird and unexpected but who cared? It was just them. He was only trying to make his friend feel better. Some heartless girl CHEATED on him.

 

“Well...I mean...if I AM staying the night...what did you want to do?”

 

It didn’t occur to him until he spoke those words aloud how loaded and... _suggestive_ they were. Alex was already vulnerable...and he was holding him, the other man clutching at him like frightened, wounded animal. 

 

Jesus Christ, why do I keep getting into these situations? 

 

Ryland started as he felt Alex's stubbly cheek rub briefly against the inside of his arm. 

 

“Um...have you...seen the original Godzilla from the fifties?”

 

“No,” he admitted. That wasn’t a question he expected Alex to ask.

 

Gradually, Alex pulled away and wiped at his eyes with his fingertips. “I have it on DVD. Heh, got a sweet Criterion edition.” As he stooped down to search through his DVDs, he laughed sadly. “You’re not like a total snob, can’t stand a movie in black and white, are you?”

 

“Oh, no. Of course not. So you’re like...a real movie buff?” Another thing that never came up when they were hanging out abusing their livers.

 

Alex shrugged and a tiny smile crept across his face. “Yeah. I took a film studies class in college and it really just...affected me a lot, y'know? I got to see a lot of movies I’d never even heard of before. I had thought about majoring in it but…” As his voice trailed off, Alex’s smile started to fade. “That...just...stuff happened. It’s not important.”

 

“Oh well...while you’re doing that, I’ll just take out the garbage and...y’know.”

 

Alex clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “You don’t HAVE t-”

 

“Frankly, I’d prefer to. It fucking stinks in here.”

 

Rolling up his sleeves, he went to work tying up the overflowing garbage bags, making two trips from Alex’s apartment to the dumpster behind his apartment building and putting in a fresh garbage bag into the bin to dump the cartons of moldy Chinese food, TV dinners and other food garbage into until that bag was almost full itself. It didn’t take long for Alex to queue up the DVD so he just watched Ryland hustle singlemindedly to and fro tidying up before he slumped back onto the couch; exhausted, sweaty and reeking of trash.

 

“Holy shit, dude. You really should fuckin’...clean up more.”

 

Alex winced. “Yeah, I know...I mean, I know I should but once I get this way, I just...doing ANYTHING is hard, getting up the energy and motivation. I would just keep putting it off and putting it off.” He sighed and chuckled sadly. “It fuckin’ sucks.”

 

“Dude, I mean...I had no idea…”

 

“It’s fine. I don’t...talk about it? It’s not like something I announce to people and it’s not really this bad all the time. I just...I don’t like making people feel sorry for me. Honestly, I wouldn’t have even called you to stay the night if I wasn’t…” He sighed and rubbed his arms. “...willing to bite the bullet and ask. My therapist has said I should try to have a support system if things get bad and I mean…” Alex looked up at him, almost knocking Ryland over with that look, his gold and green eyes glimmering like he might start crying again.  “...I trust you.”

 

Ryland laughed nervously, more effort to quash the tension than anything but stopped. No, Alex was opening up to him. Why did he have to sound like a glib asshole? “I mean...I don’t really understand what you’re going through but...I’ll try to help, as much as I can. At least you’re seeing someone about it.”

 

Alex smiled briefly in acknowledgment, a flash and then gone again. Now that it Alex wasn’t smiling like a goober constantly, the absence of it made him feel cold all over like the sun had been hidden by clouds, depriving him of necessary warmth.

 

“Yeah, though...I’m in between medications at the moment. Need to do something about that. But yeah…” He rubbed his hands together and smiled tightly. “Enough about all that. Let’s watch some Godzilla.”

 

Ryland didn’t really like how quick Alex was willing to change the subject but played along. At least he was making an effort. 

 

Sometime around the beginning while the credits were rolling, Alex got up to make popcorn and they watched in almost silence, Alex resting his head against the side of his arm and the rest of the night went by mostly like that. When one movie ended, Alex would hop off the couch, choose two DVD’s from his enormous shelf and had Ryland pick one. One was always some obscure Japanese movie and the other would be a monster movie and he would always pick the monster one, even if Alex would roll his eyes and try to upsell the other movie.

 

“C’mon, Ry. ‘Female Prisoner Scorpion: 701’ is reaaaally good. Trust me. It’s a liiittle exploitative but-”

 

'Exploitative'? Ryland winced. He really didn't like the sound of that at all. “I dunno, man.”

 

“But Ryyyyy, Meiko Kajiiiii!”

 

Ryland chuckled and shook his head. “I don’t even know who that IS.”

 

Alex whined playfully. “But it’s goooood!”

 

Ryland laughed it off. “Maybe some other time. Promise.”

 

“Okay…” Alex pouted faintly and put in yet another Godzilla movie.

 

They cleaned the freezer out of snacks by midnight. Halfway through “Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah”, Ryland felt something tighten around his arm and looked down to see Alex had drifted off to sleep, his arms constricting his arm like veins around a tree trunk.

 

He swallowed, his heart feeling heavy as lead. For a moment, he thought about letting Alex sleep like that but he could feel already the circulation leaving his arm prickling with needles. As gingerly as he could manage, he nudged Alex on the top of his shoulder.

 

With a shake of messy hair, he lifted his head with a soft murmur, blinking at him. “Hmm? Wha?”

 

Ryland wrinkled his nose at the other man. How could ANYBODY break up with this guy? It was frankly criminal how adorable he could act. “Dude, you tired?”

 

“Oh...yeah.” He rubbed his face clumsily with the heel of his hand as he unwound himself from Ryland. “Should probably...get to bed. You can sleep on the couch or…” Alex half a sheepish shrug. “...heh...sleep with me.”

 

Ryland blinked. That was the only facial expression he could make while his brain struggled to process the words. “Uh...what?”

 

Alex chuckled. “I mean, my bed’s pretty big. It won’t be weird.”

 

“UH...you sure?”

 

“Yeah, of course.” A tired but playful grin quirked at his mouth. “Unless you want to MAKE it weird.”

 

He should have known Alex was only joking and not serious but...what if he wasn’t? The possibility of that, however small, made him really willing to call him on his bluff. He felt himself blush.

 

“I mean!...I didn’t bring a change of clothes or-”

 

“Tch, we're not livin' fancy here or anything. Just wear your underwear. What, you’ve never gone camping and had to share a tent before with another dude?”

 

_Look, get off my back, man. I might have a crush on you._

 

He came dangerously to saying that aloud but sputtered as Alex chuckled.

 

“I mean...look, it’s just an option.”

 

Ryland scowled. Now Alex was challenging him. What was he getting worked up about? Sharing a bed with another guy wasn’t weird or gay or anything. “No, just...it’s fine.”

 

Alex turned off the DVD player and TV and sauntered to his bedroom and Ryland felt something mount in his stomach as he followed.

 

As he entered, he had a brief look around at the dusty posters before Alex ruffled his hair and started taking his clothes off, completely nonchalantly.

 

This isn’t weird, this isn’t weird, he mentally chanted as he slowly took off his jacket, stooping down to get his shoes and socks, unzipping his jeans and stepping out of them. As he rose, he twisted the hem of his shirt with his fingers. He was boiling hot and he didn’t even need to check to see his shirt was practically soaked through with sweat.

 

“What’s up?”

 

Ryland blurted out a noise as he looked up to see Alex eyeing him curiously but fondly, his head tipped to the side.

 

“You...kind of self-conscious about your body, Ry?” A playful smile arched across Alex's face. 

 

“NO!” he sputtered, completely on reflex before he shook his head. “I mean...tch..stop fuckin’ _smilin’_ like that at me! It’s making me feel weird…”

 

Alex scoffed. “It’s okay. This is a judgment-free zone. I won’t laugh. Promise.”

 

Ryland scowled but gradually peeled his shirt off as he ducked his head away from Alex's watchful eye, wincing at the cold air hitting his skin as he let it fall to the floor before crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“Heh. Okay, then.”

 

Alex circled around the side of the bed and pulled back the covers as he slid in on one side, Ryland doing the same on the opposite end.

 

Alex stretched out with a groan, pulling the covers over them. He flipped over to face him, laying his head on the pillow and smacked his lips. “Got any weird sleep habits I should know about?”

 

“Uhhh...not...really.”

 

“Alright. Well...good night.” With a grunt, Alex reached over to turn off the bedside lamp and sighed as his head thumped onto the pillow.

 

Alex may have gone to sleep almost immediately but Ryland was wide awake for a long time, too wired about the fact of how close he and Alex were. The bed was big enough that they weren't in danger of actually rolling over and touching by accident but even the distance had all his nerves stretched taut, his ears pricked for any noise from the other man.

 

As creepy as he knew it was, he rolled over and let his eyes adjust to the lack of light to make out Alex’s shape on the bed, listening to his breathing and watching the tiny flickers across his face as he slept.

 

He did fall asleep eventually if only from sheer exhaustion. His dreams were warped and fuzzy, wrapped in unfamiliar smells, sounds, textures: Alex’s faintly spicy body odor, the cool and soft cotton sheets sliding across his bare legs, the irregular quiet snorts breaking the rhythm of Alex’s breathing before it would settle down again.

 

He woke up abruptly the sound of the shower running and Alex crooning over the sound of water hissing against the porcelain. He should have thought nothing of it but his bladder had other plans. 

 

Wobbling, he went to the bathroom, opening the door as the warm cloud of steam enveloped him.

 

Thank God Alex’s shower curtain was opaque. He could still make out Alex’s vague shape but not any details. Dripping wet, steamy details.

 

As he took his dick out and aimed the stream of pee into the open toilet bowl, he let the sound of Alex singing wash over him and quickly left, too afraid to flush and make his presence known. 

 

Alex came out of the bathroom while he was getting dressed, fluffing his hair up with a towel and wearing a patchy terrycloth bathrobe.

 

“Hey, I didn’t know you were up.”

 

“Yeah, just now, actually,” he lied. As he put his jacket on, he brushed his hair with his fingertips to smooth down his bedhead. “Are you going to be okay driving to your appointment by yourself?”

 

“Yeah, no problem. I've done it before. Listen...thanks for...spending the night with me. Next time, I’ll give you fair warning if I’m in one of my ‘moods’.” Alex rolled his eyes and chirped out a laugh but it still didn’t sound genuine.

 

“It’s okay. I’m fine being your...whatever you called it. Support system.”

 

“Aww, RY…”

 

Alex went in for a hug and Ryland flinched but let it happen, too absorbed in passively filing away the scent of Alex's body wash and shampoo, smelling like coconuts and Old Spice. 

 

Wow, I guess I do have a crush on Alex, he thought. More than that, he was filled with something much heavier. He did want to support him, be there for him. Alex was relying on him. He actually trusted him. Nobody ever felt that way about him before. Even all his teammates in Killcore were all too quick to jump ship when he became a big, fat laughingstock.

 

He didn’t even what to think about the possibility of what would have happened if Alex had called and he decided to not come over.

 

Alex made a move to pull away but with an urgency that surprised him, he reached up and pulled Alex back, his arms winding tight around Alex’s slight body as he let out an ‘Ooof!’ of surprise, his head snapping sharply forward. 

 

“Ry-” Alex broke off a nervous laugh. “Dude, what-”

 

His heart was pounding hard, imagining that if he somehow heard Alex’s call for help and ignored it and went about his night doing sidequests that something might have happened, that he’d regret it for the rest of his life if, in his mental state, Alex might have tried to hurt himself or worse: that he’d never see him again. The thought of losing maybe the only person who gave a shit about him made his chest feel unbearably tight, choking the breath out of him.

 

“I...just...Alex...promise...you’re not going to kill yourself…”

 

He felt Alex’s narrow ribcage draw in to breathe. “Ry, what are-”

 

He squeezed his eyes shut, hiding his face in Alex’s damp shoulder. Against his face, he could feel the tickle of a wet curl of hair. “Dude, just PROMISE me!”

 

“Okay, okay! I’m...I won’t! I promise.”

 

Ryland shuddered, afraid he might start crying like a baby as Alex gingerly stroked his back.

 

“Tch. Dude. Like...where did all _this_ come from?”

 

“I...fuck...I just thought...it would have been so goddamn _easy_ for me to not come over or not...the thought of you hurting yourself, I just-”

 

“Whoa, whoa...easy, Ryland…you’re...fuck, squeezing me too hard!”

 

Ryland immediately let go, running a shaky hand through his rumpled hair as Alex stumbled backward, clutching his side.

 

“I...fuck, I’m sorry, I got...worked up over nothing I just…”

 

Alex shook his head, his chest heaving. “No, I mean...it’s okay. I didn’t think you were _that_ worried about me. Listen, do you want to get some breakfast or-?”

 

“No, I...I should go.” He fiddled with his jacket and made his way to the door. “I’ve...I don’t think I got enough sleep, I’m just-”

 

“You sure? It’s really no big deal.”

 

Ryland shook his head almost frantically. His head was whirling uncontrollably and his heart was still pounding like a drum. “No, I’ll...I just need some...I need to get home…”

 

“Ry...what…”

 

Ryland looked up at Alex’s face and he felt an acute tug at his heart. Those down-turned abandoned puppy-dog eyes, making him feel rotten all over.

 

He sluggishly swallowed. “What?”

 

Alex shifted from foot to foot, pulling back the sleeve of his bathrobe to faintly rub his arm. “I...you’re just acting really weird all of a sudden. I didn’t...say anything to make you think I was going to hurt myself, did I?”

 

“I...no…” he said flatly. He was right. Alex hadn’t said anything about hurting himself. He'd supplied that on his own. He’d gotten this worked up, this worried over nothing. He turned his face away, sucking his teeth at himself. “No, you’re right...Fuck, I feel so goddamn...I should go-”

 

“Ryland, just...you don’t HAVE to. Really. I mean…” Alex stepped forward, fidgeting with the sleeves of his robe. “I guess I understand if you don’t know people who deal with depression but honestly, I’ve never even really _felt_ suicidal. When it gets bad, it doesn’t make me feel like hurting myself. More like...just wanting to disappear like...I don’t fuckin’...Dr. Manhattan or something. That or I just zone out and dissociate.” He looked off to the side. “It’s not really relevant now but that’s kind of why I didn’t finish college. I went through this...extended dissociation episode thinking I was being controlled or like...not real. My dad had to pull me out of school and I had to go the hospital and-” Alex rolled his eyes suddenly and scoffed. “WOW, Okay. I was trying to make you worry about me LESS and I just…” He put his hands over his face and groaned. “Holy shiiit.”

 

Before he could say anything to that, Alex took his hand, holding his gaze steady with his. He swallowed the lump in his throat as Alex's tapered fingers laced tightly with his. 

 

“Ryland, trust me. I won’t hurt myself. EVER. I can absolutely promise that. I do want you to support me and be there for me but...this is something I find ways of managing on my own.” He laughed sadly. “I guess I’m just too fuckin’ stupid to completely give up, even when my life goes to shit.” He laughed sadly again, shaking his damp head of curls. “Dude, don’t make me fuckin’ sing you ‘Wind beneath my wings’ just…” He dropped Ryland’s hand and combed his fingers through his wet mane. “I’m all wet and shit. Let me get dressed.”

 

Ryland shrugged and pointed behind him to the door. “Well. I should head home anyway.”

 

“Okay. Fair enough. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

 

Ryland nodded briefly and made his way out of Alex’s apartment, weighed down with everything Alex had told him. He knew he shouldn’t worry about Alex. He was a grown man and he was actually level-headed enough to work through his problems. That didn’t make his overwhelming need to protect Alex disappear, though. It just got stronger.

 

\---

Being reminded of that, it hadn't been like Ryland forgot about it. He was always aware of Alex’s depression and living together made him that fall much more in making sure he was alright, even if it was just reminding him to take his meds and remember his appointments. He had become so used to it, he forgot how new and strange finding all that out was, how real the thought of Alex hurting himself scared him; the thought of losing him or just watch him fade out of his life completely. 

 

He stared at the clue and looked around, reorienting himself. He must look so crazy, looking at a piece of paper and getting visibly choked up. 

 

Remembering that night, he had an idea. Pocketing the scrap of paper, he went down the aisles, searching for any title that jumped out at him before pulling out a narrow box and reading the title: “Female Prisoner Scorpion 701”

 

An Asian woman glared from the front of the box. He read the tagline: “A woman betrayed and imprisoned---A mission of vengeance.”

 

Alex had said since his move out of his old apartment, he was missing a lot of his DVD’s...and this one, in particular, he REALLY wanted Ryland to watch that night. He didn’t even really know WHY he didn’t want to watch it. Maybe he was worried Alex in his state of mind might not take it well. 

 

Well, he had promised him he’d watch it. Maybe they could watch it later tonight. He owed Alex that. And that hug.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like or just feel like being generous, you can tip me at https://ko-fi.com/amandroid
> 
> happy holidays~
> 
> ps. this story will have a happy ending, I promise D;


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something left unfinished...

By the time Ryland got back on the road, the sun had already set, leaving the sky banded with warm colors that were starting to become swallowed by the dark purple of approaching night.

 

So this was the last clue. He swallowed a lump in his throat, a mixture of anticipation and nerves. Now more than ever he wanted to know where all this was leading, hoping it wouldn’t leave him recalling strange, uncomfortable memories.

 

His interest was already piqued when he noticed that the address he’d put on his phone was leading to him another bar, one a lot closer to home. In fact, one and Alex frequented a lot. 

 

Since the evening was coming on, the parking lot was not as dead as Tim’s or Vixen but that just made him wary, hoping this clue wouldn’t be out in the open where people might find it, maybe pick it up and read it out of curiosity.

 

He pushed past the doors and flinched as one of the bartenders greeted him with a wave. Being a regular meant that most of the bartenders knew him and Alex on sight and he didn’t know if that was comforting or not. Usually, once he became a regular and the people working knew who he was, it was his cue to find somewhere else to frequent. Somewhere where he could drink and be left alone.

 

“Ryland, hey!”

 

“Oh...hey…”

 

Reluctantly, he approached the bar, fussing with his unraveling ponytail. “So uh...did uh...Alex leave something here earlier, maybe a paper…?”

 

The bartender scratched his head thoughtfully for a second. “Oh yeah...it’s in the bathroom.” With a chuckle, he added in a lower voice, as if this was a secret between friends “But you didn’t hear that from me, man.”

 

“Uh _huh_.” Ryland didn’t laugh but skirted his way past a few bar-goers to the bathroom, wincing at the tropical decor. If he was on better terms with the bartenders or actually cared enough he’d tell them that nobody thought the airbrushed palm tree murals and fake painted wooden signs made this bar anything except tacky as hell but Alex liked it so he learned to live with it. Drinking helped.

 

It didn’t take long to find. The paper was taped up on the wall next to an “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere” plaque.

 

Scowling, he pulled it from the wall and read it.

 

_Ryland, the clue is not here._

 

_Go back to your car. It’s in the glove compartment._

 

Ryland swallowed a growl of annoyance, clenching his jaw as he stomping back out of the bathroom and out of the bar. The clue wasn’t even in the bar, it was in his car the whole time.

 

He slumped in his seat, taking deep breaths to calm down. Whatever. This was all part of the ‘fun’. This was the final clue. He was almost there. Surely he could stick it out a little longer.

 

Swallowing, he reached over and flipped open the glove compartment. Lying on top of his car registration form and other scattered papers was another folded piece of paper. Reaching in to grab it, he noticed that “Last clue” was written definitively on the back in that telltale thin black Sharpie.

 

Here goes nothing, he thought.

 

Unfolding it, he found a CD had been taped inside. He pulled it away and set it aside, reading the clue with trepidation.

 

_Ryland,_

_So here it is. The last clue._

_I wish I had something to say to sum all this up. Hell, I wish I could now tell you what the treasure is but I can’t. Forget about ruining the surprise. I don’t want you to be disappointed when you find out._

_This clue pertains to something that happened also on Valentine’s Day, something that was left unfinished._

_I’ve guided you maybe too much and I haven’t trusted you enough to figure it out on your own. Now I leave it to you to remember it._

 

_Put the CD in and place track #8_

_The treasure is back home. Full circle._

 

_Ciao,_

_Alex_

 

Ryland swallowed, picking up the CD and carefully putting it in the CD player. God, please don’t let it be a recorded suicide note,he fretted.

 

He put in the track number and waited for the player to read it.

 

Immediately his insides curdled as he heard that telltale cheesy saxophone blaring out of the car’s speakers. “Careless Whisper” by George Michael. 

 

“God, _REALLY_?,” He muttered as he pulled out park and back to his apartment.

 

Had Alex really counted on that; the fact that he REALLY didn’t like this song? Not only that but since he didn’t really listen to it for fun, the only other time he could recall listening to it all the way through without interruption, he was also headed home but in someone else’s car. On Valentine’s Day, as it so happened…

 

\---

 

Ryland agreed to meet up with Alex to drink, suggesting this bar because it happened to close to his apartment. After plans to hang out with a female co-worker he had been crushing on fell apart, he was fine spending the night out with Alex instead of staying home stewing over her.

 

Before Alex started ordering drinks, Ryland stated right off the bat that he couldn’t really follow Alex drink for drink because he had work in the morning. Alex shook it off and smiled like it was fine and he had no reason to think anything was wrong. He just felt more relieved than he should have that Alex was in a much better mood; laughing and smiling genuinely. He almost didn’t think it was weird that they were spending Valentine’s Day out drinking together but they were both unattached so it worth just hanging out together, even if part of him was scanning to pick up if Alex was ACTUALLY in a good mood or putting up a front.

 

Now they’d known each other for a while, it was still hard to read the other man’s emotions with much clarity. He had noticed before Alex had a tendency to minimize things that were bothering him, trying to spin them in a way to see the bright side. A cynical part of him thought now doing that might not be healthy. Then again, he wasn’t a therapist or anything. Was it even his place to say anything about it if it was just Alex’s way of coping?

 

With a mix of weariness and expectancy, he found himself listening to Alex start to talk about his concept album dream project. He didn’t know anything about music on the technical or songwriting side but he let Alex talk his ear off about it, especially when he’d start drinking. Usually, it was tropical drinks that would kick off these one-sided conversations about it and if he was drinking too, he’d get swept into it as well through Alex’s sheer enthusiasm. Hell, he was sure if anybody quizzed him on it, he could probably write out the basic plot synopsis from memory but not the actual plot details or characters. That tended to change from conversation to conversation according to the whims of Alex’s vision or his level of drunkenness.

 

“Okay, so...I’m thinking y’know, instead of it taking place on a future Earth, y’know...I’m changing the main setting to sort of a giant space fortress, like Macross,” Alex said in between sips of his margarita.

 

Ryland was resting his head in his hand and his expression flickered in confusion. “ ‘Macross’?”

 

Alex nodded quickly. “Yeah. SDF Macross. It…” He rolled his eyes as if he was used to explaining this. “It’s the anime Robotech was based on.”

 

“Ah.” He had nothing to add to that so he let Alex continue. “Ah huh, so-?”

 

“Yeah, I figured, keep everything tied to one main setting, at least in the first half, THEN go to the planet with the dinosaurs trapped in ice. I thought it would sort of tie thematically with the central relationship y’know, between Lunaria and Chromium, because she feels like her heart is frozen and Chromium, y’know, he’s a robot and he doesn’t understand the concept of love.”

 

“Uh huh. That makes sense...I guess.” He didn’t mean to sound bored but maybe because he was listening to this mostly sober, something occurred to him. He didn’t even remember if he’d asked it before but it couldn’t hurt to ask now that Alex was on a roll, it seemed. “So...what do the guys in your band think about this idea?”

 

Alex blinked, disoriented and then turned his face away, wincing slightly. “Oh, they, uh...think it’s...stupid.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I mean, I put a lot of thought into it and I was open to feedback, dude, REALLY! Every time it sounded like insane nonsense, I’d try to rewrite or redo y’know... something. I mean, this is going to be my 2112, Ry! Even that, they don’t get, like ‘Alex, nobody does progressive rock concept albums anymore’, like…” Alex scoffed harshly. “Everything runs on cycles, man! Everything’s due for a comeback, why not this?” He slumped back in his seat and sighed heavily, momentarily deflated.  “I just...I can’t believe they kicked me out, dude.”

 

Ryland’s eyes widened. “Wait, what? When was this?”

 

Alex sucked his teeth. “About...a week ago. I mean…” He waved his hands dismissively. “It wasn’t just ‘Chrome Heart’, it was a bunch of shit. It just...god, Ry...do you know what they used to call us behind my back that I only just found out about? They’d call us Bulk and Skull, like...the bullies from the Power Rangers because one was skinny and the other-”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

“I know, right?! I thought I was more like the Blue Ranger. They also…” Alex winced uncomfortably before continuing in a cowed mutter. “They used to call you my ‘boyfriend’, like ‘Alex, your boyfriend is here’, when you’d come to our shows. I used to just laugh it off because it didn’t seem all that...y’know. Mean or anything but just over and over...” He sighed heavily. “If it’s anything years of bullying taught me, it’s not to let it show the stuff that gets to me or it’ll just get worse.” He sighed again. “It just...Dave said, last band practice when it happened, ‘You’re the only one who’s into this band’ and it just...hurt. It hurt like hell. Like why wouldn’t I be? I mean, yeah, we played covers and stuff but I wanted us to eventually do original stuff. Not just ‘Chrome Heart’. I wrote original songs but I mean...I guess everyone was just FINE being a go-nowhere bar band. Nobody was on my goddamn side, Ry. They were just fine...turning their backs on me and shutting me out.”

 

Ryland felt something cold slice into him. 

 

“Alex, why wouldn’t you tell me? I would have-”

 

Alex raised an amused eyebrow at him. “Would have what? Come over and threatened to kick everybody’s ass?”

 

“YES!” He tried to laugh it off but that was really close to what he’d wanted to do anyway. “Like...I almost want to say you’re better off without them because you are. Let them fuckin’ try to get half as many people showing up without you. You were the glue holding that piece of shit band together and they knew it. They...they were _threatened_ by you.”

 

Alex scoffed, amused and more than a little disbelieving. “Threatened by me?”

 

“Yeah! I mean, you’re talented and you’re...y’know...driven and like...passionate. They saw that you’re destined for better things so what did they fuckin’ do? They didn’t give you respect, made you second guess yourself, made you feel like an outcast in your own band. They wanted to just...stifle you and drag you down to their level, their _bullshit_ mediocre level. Who fuckin’ does that?!” Before Alex could get a word in edgewise, looking more than a little overwhelmed as he prodded his finger at Alex to prove his point, Ryland added. “Fuckin’ LOSERS, that’s who. Sore. LOSERS.”

 

“Whoa! Ryland!” Alex nervously laughed as he leaned back in his seat. “I...don’t think they were THAT underhanded or anything.”

 

Ryland exhaled hard, taking a swallow from his whiskey on the rocks. The ice cubes had long since melted so he was tasting more water than whiskey. God, he didn’t think he’d get so fired up about that. Just being reminded of what happened with Killcore all those years ago opened up old wounds, wounds he’d thought had scabbed over by now. He’d learned to deal it on his own, develop a tough hide over his vulnerable teenage skin but the thought of anything close to what he went through happening to Alex made him want to flip over a truck in a foaming-at-the-mouth rage. Alex didn’t deserve that. Nobody did but especially not him.

 

“Alex, I just...I know how people are. They’re fuckin’...shitty and petty, deep down. I mean...why the fuck would they go behind your back and talk shit about you like that, about us? I mean, we MET because they left you behind, just fuckin’ drove off with your clothes in their van.”

 

“Yeah, well...aren’t you...kinda glad they did? In the grand scheme of things?” Alex added in a small hopeful voice, smiling at him.

 

Ryland tried to smile back, rolling his eyes. Leave it to Alex to see the bright side in everything. “I’m _not_ glad of all the glitter I had to vacuum off the seat when you left but...yeah. I guess I am.”

 

Alex smiled enigmatically, chuckling as he licked margarita salt off his lips, looking so soft and pink. Begging to be kissed.

 

Thoughts burst inside him, like frothing bubbles.

 

_I love this man. I love him so much. I would do anything for him. I'd-_

 

Ryland quickly gulped down the last of his drink, as if to chase the thoughts away. “Fuck it, lemme have one of those margaritas, too.”

 

Alex peered at him curiously. “You sure?”

 

“Yeah, I mean...fuck it.”

  


\---

Ryland blinked at the wooden whorls of the table, having drained the last of his drink. Well, this was a mistake, he thought. Already he could feel the drink sloshing around in his stomach, pitching like the ocean during an approaching storm. 

 

After Alex ordered another margarita, he seemed to get his second wind, interrupting his thoughts with a loud gulp and a hearty burp.

 

“You know what, man? You were right. I'm fuckin’... _much_ better off without them. They’d always get on my case about ‘going overboard’ n’ shit but you know me, Ry. I really can’t shut it off. I just love singing and performing but...I mean…” Alex broke off and shook his head. “Sometimes I felt like they just...wanted me to be like...seen and not heard.”

 

Ryland scoffed, looking back at Alex. Maybe it was just the low lights but Alex seemed to have this attractive glow around him that he found it hard to not notice. His eyes were drawn on their own to the teasing window of Alex’s upper chest where his shirt was unbuttoned, just itching to be unwrapped like a delicious Twix bar. 

 

An unconscious smile pulled at his lips. “Well...maybe they just wanted some hot...eye candy.”

 

Alex wrinkled his nose, chuckling nervously and rolling his eyes. “Heh. I dunno about that.”

 

Ryland scoffed at Alex’s coyness. “Dude, I told you before, you are like...suuuuper hot. Like...why do you find that so hard to believe?” Ryland groaned, putting his head in his hand, blearily looking back at Alex. Was it just the margarita that was making Alex so impossible to not stare at? Even if it was, his mouth was operating one step ahead of his brain and his eyes were on directions all their own. “You're like some...beautiful...elf prince who's fuckin’ smart and funny and easy to talk to and just... _amazing_. I'm just like...in awe of you, dude.”

 

“Pffft.” Alex, ducked his head, self consciously rubbing the back of his neck. “Ryyy...don't say shit like that!”  “You're…” Alex’s voice fell to a shy whine. “ _embarrassing_ me…”

 

In spite of that, Ryland kept going. “Like...if God looked like you, I'd go to church...every day, just to fuckin’ _worship_ you.”

 

Alex giggled and Ryland was more than a little pleased at the blush creeping across his face that he was trying to hide, rubbing his face like he was trying to scrub it off. “Ahm, first of all, that’s idolatry and that's a sin. Second of all... _Wow_ , now I know why you don't drink margaritas! Dude, you're like...hardcore flirting with me right now!”

 

Part of him wanted to deny it or even change the subject but a larger part was too fixated on the rosy glow spreading across Alex's face or the bashful smile he was trying to rein in or even the quick darting movements of his eyes. Tipsy as he was, he knew a green light when he saw it. That and Alex’s deer-like skittishness was way too amusing and cute to escape his attention.

 

Ryland grinned against the side of his hand. "Tch, see...you're _saying_ one thing but the look on your face is telling me a whole different thing..."

 

Alex sputtered, fussing with his hair. "I'm not, just...I don't want to you to say things you don't mean because you're all, y’know...sauced up."

 

Ryland’s mouth pursed into a scowl. "Who says I don't mean it?”

 

Alex raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Oh, so you do want to actually...heh, 'worship me'?"

 

"YEAH! Like-"

 

Alex interrupted him with a scoff of challenge. "What would that entail exactly?" Alex tittered, darting his tongue over his lips and smirking. "Would you...heh...anoint me with oil or some shit? Prostrate yourself before me?”

 

He was going to come back with a smart retort but as soon as he heard the word 'oil', his mind was flooded with images of Alex, naked and glistening, maybe even massaging it into his skin himself, wondering how he'd look, how he'd sound. He got so momentarily lost in imagining it, covering his mouth with the side of his hand, breathing harder and staring at some area off to the side of their table that he jumped backward once he realized Alex was insistently waving his hand in front of his face and calling his name to get his attention.  

 

"UHM...Wha-what...uhm...what...what were we talking about?" He muttered, blinking. The room was starting to sway. That wasn’t a good sign.

 

"Uh..." Alex broke off into a laugh. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make things weird. I just-"

 

"I meant it,” he blurted out before he could rethink his words or just not say them at all.

 

Alex blinked at him, astonished. "I...heh...what? What...what do you mean?"

 

"Dude, Alex, I..." He grabbed Alex's hand suddenly, cradling it. "I mean it. I absolutely mean it. I know I'm drunk and you can fuckin'...write it off as just the alcohol talking but, god...I'd do anything to you."

 

Alex's surprised expression went up another notch. “UH-”

 

It was seconds too late for him to realize what he’d just said and he doubled over as if he was punched in the stomach. "FOR! I meant ‘for’!...do anything FOR you! God...SHIT!" He started to pull his hand away but Alex held onto it, sheepishly laughing and patting the back of his hand.

 

"I...heh...Ry...I really don’t know what to say. I, uh... _really_ can't take it _that_ seriously because you're drooling a little but-"

 

"Wha?" Ryland quickly took his hand away and brushed it over his mouth, alarmed at the fact that he was actually drooling. Drooling like a disgusting, slobbering monster. "SHIT."

 

He jumped again as he saw Alex lean in and wipe at his mouth with a napkin, but let him, getting lost in the glimmering green-gold color of his eyes.

 

“God, you have...pretty eyes…” he murmured.

 

Alex scowled with amusement at him. "I thiiiink we should leave Margaritaville for the night." He sat back in his chair, smiling patiently at him. "You said you had work tomorrow so-"

 

That's right. He'd completely forgot. He shut his eyes, rubbing his forehead. "Yeah...I mean...yeah, I just...fuckin’...forgot.”

 

“Ry, don’t sweat it. I...know you were only trying to make me feel better after the stuff with Stilletto n’all. I just...I don’t really know how to deal with compliments like that. The fact that you’re drunk and…” Alex sighed. “Makes me think you don’t mean it, otherwise…”

 

Alex broke off his sentence, shaking his head. “Nevermind. Do you need to call an Uber?”

 

“Oh...yeah…” Ryland fumbled with his phone. “What about you?”

 

To that, Alex shrugged. “I’ll be fine.”

 

Ryland regarded Alex carefully. “You sure?”

 

Alex seemed to sigh. “Yeah...I should turn in early tonight, too…”

 

“Well, how are you gettin’ home?”

 

Alex didn’t answer right away before the thought popped into his brain.

 

“We could share a ride.”

 

Alex’s mouth twisted in conflicted thought. “I mean...I guess?”

 

Ryland finished texting his driver the address. “It’s up to you, man.” His attention was momentarily split but once he finished and put his phone down, he noticed Alex wasn’t looking him in the eye.

 

“Alex?”

 

Alex turned his face back to him, giving him a distracted smile. “It’s okay. I’ll figure something out.”

 

“I mean...okay. My driver is right around the corner so...if you want…”

 

His brain butted in. What was he doing? Was he trying to get Alex to come home with him?

 

Alex’s eyes searched his for a moment and he was afraid Alex was actually reading his mind before he nodded. “Sure. Okay.”

 

He breathed a sigh of relief he didn’t realize he’d been holding before getting up carefully but Alex was already heading out the door ahead of him.

 

Zipping up his jacket, he sighed again. The Uber wasn’t too far from the bar so he didn’t think it would be a long wait.

 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Alex stumble away and off to the side, stooping down in front of his car and fumbling his key clumsily into the lock.

 

“Whoa, whoa! Alex, you’re not driving, are you?! I thought you were coming with me.”

 

Alex turned back to him. “Naw, dude. I said I’m going to sleep…”

 

He finally opened the door and now that the lights were inside, Ryland could see the backseat was packed with bags and boxes and in the driver’s seat, a sleeping bag was propped upright against the seat.

 

“What the fu-Alex...have you been sleeping in your _car_?”

 

Alex sighed heavily. “I mean...yeah.”

 

“How long have you been-”

 

Alex interrupted him with a petulant suck of his teeth. “For...a couple days. My landlord kicked me out and I was staying at a hotel but I ran out of money so...yeah.”

 

Ryland hastily grabbed Alex by the arm, pulling him up so they were upright and facing one another.

 

“Alex, why wouldn’t you...tell me? I would have let you...y’know...stay with me until you found your own place." 

 

Alex turned his head away from his. “I didn’t want to impose on you-”

 

“DUDE! Like...what even…’impose’?! What, so you were just going to live out of your car like...indefinitely?! What have you been doing for food and-?”

 

“I would have figured something out, _Ryland_! It’s not THAT bad! I park at the truck stop and I use their bathroom and stuff and-”

 

Ryland’s nostrils flared. “No, fuck that. You’re staying with me…” He started to tug Alex towards the Uber by Alex didn’t move, locking his legs in place.

 

“You don’t have t-”

 

“ALEX! If you want me to be your fuckin’ support system or whatever, you have to LET me help you! You can spend the night and then you can figure out where to go from there! I’m not letting you sleep all scrunched up in your car when I have a perfectly fine fold-out couch and like...a shower and-”

 

The Uber driver honked his horn and Alex wrenched his arm away.

 

“Okay, okay! Just...let me get...a few bags for a change of clothes and stuff.”

 

Ryland sighed heavily. “Okay…”

 

He trotted over to the car idling on the other end of the street, telling him the change in plans and that he’d pay for Alex as well, scooting over and letting Alex get in beside him with a large duffel bag that he dropped at his feet.

 

They drove in silence, Ryland occasionally glancing at Alex as he stared out the window while ‘Careless Whisper’ played on the driver’s radio. If he felt more strongly about it, he’d put in his earbuds to drown it out but he didn’t feel up to it now.

 

When the Uber dropped them off at his apartment building, he offered to carry Alex’s bag as he stumbled in behind him.

 

He entered and set the bag down, pausing to rub the back of his sweaty neck. “I’ll fold the couch out for you. I have extra towels so you can shower.” He let out a short laugh to ease the tension. “On the ride over, I noticed you smell like baby wipes so figured you might want to…”

 

“Hmm.”

 

Listlessly, Alex went into the bathroom and shut the door, the sound of clothing rustling and hitting the floor hastening him to fold out the couch, get the extra blanket, sheets and pillows out of the hall closet and make them before shutting himself in his room, slumping against the closed door, covering his face and groaning.

 

Stupid, stupid, so stupid!

 

Why couldn't he keep his big stupid mouth shut? All the things he'd said to Alex came back to taunt him like swooping bats.

 

He thought he had self-control, that what he was starting to feel for Alex really wasn't anything more than a close friendship. So what if he found Alex attractive? That didn't make him gay...did it?

 

Some rotten part of him hoped one day, something might happen. Things always seemed on the verge of happening; at the end of a night of drinking or at Alex’s or his place smoking weed. It wasn't hard to picture at all, which made those fantasies all the more painful in their plausibility: a few too many friendly compliments, a touch here or there that might linger too long. What might happen next was always vague, like his brain despite having a cursory understanding of gay sex had too little tangible evidence to imagine anything further than making out, maybe heavy petting.

 

It was now dawning on him tonight was for a brief moment, going to be that night: talking Alex into taking the Uber with him to his apartment and then...

 

It was only after finding out Alex had no place to go did those plans evaporate completely. He couldn't possibly try to follow through with that now, take advantage of Alex like that. The bubbly flirtiness of that margarita had now left him groggy and out of sorts, ready to just go to bed.

 

He straightened and sloughed off his clothes, feeling grossly sweaty but decided he’d shower tomorrow since Alex was using the bathroom. 

 

Groaning to himself, he slid into bed and after clumsily putting on the bedside light, it didn’t take long to fall asleep.

 

He wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol but his dreams turned heavy and fitful, like the molten globes inside a lava lamp. Out of the soup of half-formed images, he started to dream he was petting a sheep. It was strangely vivid but soothing, letting his fingers comb through the soft, slightly wet curls, kneeling on the grass of some farm or field. He wasn’t sure.

 

The sheep let out a low rumbling noise, more like a purr or a growl than any sheep noise he’d ever heard, bumping his hand with its wet nose.

 

“Mmm, fuuuck Ryland...don’t stop…”

 

Ryland’s eyes shot open. Without the light on his nightstand, his room got pitch dark but he put it on just in case he needed to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night without bumping into things on his way out of bed.

 

With the small, hazy circle of light, he couldn’t see perfectly but he could see enough. Alex was curled up right next to him in his bed under the covers and he had one hand in Alex’s hair, tangled in the dark brown curls.

 

His hand froze.

 

Alex murmured again, his mouth falling open before shifting a fraction, ducking his head and then pressing his lips to the inside of his arm.

 

Ryland held his breath, the warmth buzzing against his skin almost painfully, the bristly points of stubble catching against his skin with an exquisite itch like an insect bite.

 

Alex blearily opened his eyes. “Oh...you’re awake….,” he mumbled, strangely matter-of-fact.

 

"I..."

 

He wanted to express confusion, maybe even outrage at the fact that not only Alex was just curled up asleep in his bed without warning but was kissing his arm so tenderly.

 

"Yeah, just...Alex, what the fuck are you doing in my bed?"

 

Alex moaned suddenly, startling him as he stretched under the covers. "Dude, I couldn't sleep, I just...was jus' thinkin'...did you mean it, all the stuff you said?"

 

"Uh..."

 

Even though he was drowsy and out of sorts, he tried to choose his words carefully. "Dude, Alex, I mean...I do think you're talented and you don't get the respect you deserve, and-" He realized too late he still had his hand nestled in Alex's hair but he couldn't find anywhere else to put it. Now in the muted light, he could see the blanket was only covering the lower half of Alex’s body, leaving his bare torso completely uncovered.

 

Alex frowned, shaking his head and only then did Ryland pull his hand back. "No, Ry...that's not what I meant. I meant...the other stuff. The...like...stuff about worshipping me."

 

"Um..."

 

Alex didn't let him continue as he moved closer until their knees were touching. "Because...if you were serious and not just...sayin' shit, I might...let you."

 

"...Let me what?"

 

Alex murmured and Ryland tensed as Alex wound his arms around his neck and before he could reasonably react, Alex's lips were on his.

 

Ryland held his breath so hard he thought he might actually pass out, his heart pounding out of control as Alex worked his mouth over his, warm, salty and sweet from the margaritas he'd had. The contact of stubble around his lips and mouth was blistering in the most pleasantly burning way, washing over him, overwhelming his senses like a sweet Caribbean hurricane sweeping over a defenseless beach. He let out an unconscious groan as Alex pressed his lithe body against him and faintly rubbing against him, their bare chests crushing together. 

 

His mouth happened to be open and it didn't take long to feel Alex's tongue wriggle inside like a curious fish and groan as he found his. Alex groaned again, this time almost in frustration at finding out during this ardent assault, Ryland wasn’t kissing him back. He was too just shocked to move or do anything, let alone kiss him back.

 

"Ungh...Ry... _please_..."

 

"ALEX..." His hands finally found their way to Alex's bare shoulders, prying him off. "Alex, we...we can't..." he panted.

 

Alex's eyes were shimmery and down-turned, threatening to spill over. "Why not? I...I thought..."

 

"I...you're drunk. I'm _still_ drunk...kinda...it wouldn't be right-"

 

Alex made a fussy noise, attempting to push against him. "So? Nobody has to know, I wouldn't tell anyone, just-"

 

Swallowing, he said in a firmer voice. "No, seriously, you need to go to bed! Your OWN bed!”

 

"NO, I need...I need _you_..."

 

Alex tried to lean in, but Ryland had the advantage of strength, pulling him back and keeping him at arm’s length.  

 

Ryland struggled to catch his breath, his voice dropping lower, placatingly. "Dude, I'm sorry. I can't."

 

He didn't want to be the bad guy but his conscience couldn't bear the thought. After so long thinking about kissing Alex or anything beyond that, he couldn't live with himself if he let it happen while Alex was drunk and couldn't actually consent to it. It didn't make him feel any less rotten about turning him down but that was the way it was.

 

Alex squeezed his eyes shut and he could see tears glittering on his cheek, rolling down in heavy messy drops, the other man's slight shoulders shaking in his hands. 

 

"Hey, hey, it's okay, don’t cr-”

 

Alex pulled away sharply and turned over, balling up on the far side of the bed, his sobs now audible.

 

Ryland sat up, paralyzed on what to do next, every sob shredding him to the bone. Even if he wanted to relent and agree to do what Alex wanted, it would probably fall within the realm of pity sex. He didn't want that and he was sure Alex didn't want that either.

 

"Dude..."

 

Gingerly, he put a tentative hand on Alex's shoulder, bracing himself for whatever would happen next. Honestly, he was expecting Alex to roll over and punch him in the face.

 

Instead, Alex shivered, curling up further into himself, sniffling and whimpering.  "Don't...don't touch me. I'm...worthless. Nobody wants me...”

 

"Alex, you know that's not true-"

 

"Isn't it?! It...my band doesn't want me, my parents...my mom stopped sending me money ‘cuz she...fuckin’ didn’t want to _enable_ me because she knew I was going to spend it on alcohol. I haven't talked to my dad in fuck...AGES and now...you...just...fuck…”

 

He didn't even think he could feel worse but now he was proven wrong.

 

Alex gulped, trying to catch his breath, his voice still thick. "I don't even...know why you put up with me. I'm just such a pathetic mess. Everyone knows better to put up with me-"

 

"ALEX, I don't 'put up' with you! I care about you! You're my friend."

 

"Why?"

 

Ryland scowled. "What do you mean 'why'?! Because I do, okay?! Do you know how to feels to have someone that you want to be there for like...fuck, dude...I can't _bear_ the idea of you not being happy and having no place to live! Don't you dare say nobody cares about you because _I_ care about you and I don't care if I'm the only person in the goddamn world who does!" He rubbed his eyes, feeling the sting of tears himself.

 

As he tried to keep the tears at bay, he looked over to see Alex peering at him over his shoulder, the tears leaving shiny trails down his face.

 

"Do...you need me to go?" he said in a small, weak voice.

 

Ryland took a steadying breath. "No...you can sleep here...tonight. I'm just tired. We'll figure something out tomorrow. Get the rest of your stuff and...I dunno. Deal with it in the morning.”

 

"...Ryland?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Uh...can you hold me...u-until I fall asleep?"

 

Before he could answer, Alex interrupted. "I'm sorry if that's weird, I don't-"

 

Ryland sucked his teeth. He didn’t know considering what had happened if Alex was trying to give him a consolation prize but he wanted to do SOMETHING. He thought again he didn’t know out of any of his meager handful of guy friends he’d be fine spooning but he decided he was fine letting Alex be the exception to this too. Alex clearly seemed to be at rock bottom. JUST holding him while he fell asleep seemed the least he could do, even if his lips were still burning all over and he could still faintly taste the tequila and salt on the tip of his tongue.

 

"No...it's okay." With a grunt, he rolled over, pausing as his hand hovered over Alex’s body. "JUST for tonight, okay?"

 

"Okay..."

 

He put his arm around Alex's side and felt Alex wriggle and then relax into position, his spine curving against his chest. Their bottom halves weren't touching, thank god, but he could feel the bottom of Alex's foot against his shinbone, just barely.

 

Ryland spat as he moved his head so he didn't have a mouthful of Alex's just-washed curly hair. "God, you have a lot of hair," he muttered.

 

Alex chuckled softly. "Sorry. I'm not usually the little spoon."

 

"Yeah, well...just don't smother me."

 

Alex chuckled again. "No promises."

 

With a sigh, he curled his arm in a closer, more comfortable position against Alex’s slight body, listening to his breathing settle and feeling his lungs expand and contract within his ribcage.

 

Only when he was sure Alex was fully asleep, he placed a tiny platonic kiss on Alex’s shoulder blade, sorely tempted to push his chances and linger there but he didn’t. It just seemed small enough to get away with.

  


\---

Ryland sat back in his car seat, feeling as if he'd just be dunked in ice cold water.

 

Everything...he remembered everything. The embarrassing things he'd said and then afterward, the sensation of Alex's sour and sweet drunken kisses. All of it.

 

More than that; Alex remembered.

 

An insidious, slimy part of him hoped he wouldn't. The very next day Alex was half-sick with alcohol poisoning and he had to call out of work to play nursemaid, making him drink water and soup after abusing his toilet with all the vomit he unleashed on it. Then it was the matter of getting Alex's belongings out of his car, going through them for the essentials and putting the rest in a rented storage space, getting him back on his medication, washing or just throwing out all of his crusty, vomit-stained clothes. He knew he didn't HAVE to but the extent of how far Alex’s life had fallen into disrepair made him want to do SOMETHING.

 

Eventually, things settled out into a comfortable equilibrium and then...the incident just never got brought up. There was no real opportunity to, honestly. He just let himself forget the whole thing, chalked it up to a drunken mistake made worse but multiple things in Alex’s life falling apart seemingly all at once.

 

Now it didn’t seem that way anymore. How they met, the incident at Vixen, holding Alex while he cried, a million other little things the scavenger hunt didn't cover that were just times spend together, now this; floating into his mind like jetsam.  

 

It seemed incredibly random that the Uber driver had "Careless Whisper" playing on the radio that night but in hindsight, it was oddly appropriate.

 

_I'm never gonna dance again_

_Guilty feet have got no rhythm_

_Though it's easy to pretend_

_I know you're not a fool_

_Should have known better than to cheat a friend_

_Wasted chance that I've been given_

_So I'm never gonna dance again_

_The way I danced with you_

 

His hands started to shake as he leaned against the steering wheel, letting the song wash over him like the scent of trashy cologne.

 

God...everything, all the clues...they were leading him here, back home. Back home to _what_?

 

His mind reeled. What the hell did Alex mean now if he said the treasure was 'metaphorical'? More than that, what did Alex mean by ‘something left unfinished’?

 

He rubbed his face, reexamining every detail of that night he could recall. They were talking about Alex's concept album a lot before he started drinking more and making an ass out of himself.

 

Once it dawned on him, he leaned his head back and laughed. Of course. Alex had finished his concept album. All the time he'd been at work, Alex had been hard at work on his passion project and he wanted to play for him, as a surprise. A sweet Valentine's Day surprise.

 

He let the song peter out and got out of the car, carrying the small bag from Barnes and Noble, shaking his head and laughing almost crazily to himself.

 

Only when he got up the stairs did he stop mid-stride.

 

He'd pawned Alex's guitar. It was to cover rent and he hated that he had to make that choice when it was honestly nice waking up in the morning to Alex playing Beatles songs but they needed the money. Still...How could Alex possibly make a progressive rock concept album of the scope and scale he'd always talk about with no guitar at least? More than that, Alex used to bend his ear talking about the mere IDEA of it. Why would he never bring it up more recently, even just to fish for compliments?

 

He took off much faster towards his apartment. No, it had to be something else.

 

He fumbled the key into the lock and strode through the door, finding the living room empty. Oddly clean but empty.

 

A chill of foreboding went through him as he set the bag down on the kitchen table, looking to see the door to his room ajar with the lights on inside.

 

He swallowed as he went towards his room, pushing it open wider and his heart plummeting sharply with dread.

 

Alex was laying on top of his bed, asleep, wearing nothing but a pair of rose print boxer briefs.

 

The first word that popped into his might as well have slammed down like they were made of iron, weighing down on him and shackling him to place.

 

_Fuck._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter after this~
> 
> If you want to tip, you can go to my ko-fi page at: https://ko-fi.com/amandroid


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things come full circle...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long, you guys. it's also long as fuck because I have a hard time knowing when to quit, lol. I hope it was worth the wait :3

Ryland stood frozen, his eyes rooted to Alex's body.

 

As weird as it was, he was observant in a lot of things from living together. Little things, mostly. One thing that definitely struck him was that he knew or at least recognized what position Alex normally slept in. It wasn't always completely the same but Alex seemed to normally sleep balled up like a hamster or at sometimes sprawled in a heap out on his stomach with one arm curled up underneath him.

 

Now, Alex was laying completely on his back, one arm pillowed under his head and the other hand resting against the slight curve of his stomach. Thinking about it now, Alex didn't even look like he was actually asleep. The covers didn’t look rumpled or kicked over in any way. He looked...posed. In fact, it made him think of those old slinky nude Renaissance paintings of  women laying sprawled out on chaise lounges or feather beds...except it was his roommate, doing a similar reclined pose on top of his covers; his luxurious head of curls spilling out onto his pillow, his pink mouth puckered open like the waiting bud of a tulip. Waiting for him.

 

Hell, this wasn't even the first time he saw Alex in his underwear, or at least since they started living together. The AC was always acting up so they would spend the hottest part of the day sitting around in their underwear in front of the oscillating fan to cool off. That was different, though. Alex hadn’t done it to try and entice him...did he?

 

The ground seemed to shift underneath his feet. How much of Alex’s seemingly inexplicable behavior was actually indicative of something, something he was meant to pick up on but because of his pride never actually did or just willfully ignored? Ryland sluggishly swallowed, a numbness covering his chest when he noticed that with the bedside light on, there was a subtle lotion-y sheen to Alex’s bare skin. All but inviting him to reach out and touch him.

 

_Say something, just say something._

 

The sheer weight of inevitability weighed down on him, heavy as molten lead. Alex couldn't be more clear than this, even if for a brief, giddy moment on his way here, he'd thought the last clue was leading to something much different.

 

Blinking rapidly and struggling to breathe properly, he cleared his throat a few times.

 

So sudden that it took him aback, Alex jerked awake as if he had just been splashed with ice cold water, sitting up and staring at him with wide, guilty eyes.

 

"Oh...y-you're home." Alex paused to take a deep breath, fidgeting with his hands in his lap and his eyes darting towards his face to take in his expression. "So...now I guess you know what this was all...about."

 

Ryland took a step back, sweeping a hand over his forehead. It dawned on him now that everything could have been fixed if they just sat down and talked about the whole thing like adults, not put it off and treat it as the shameful secret it was never really supposed to be the first place. "God... shit, I'm such a fuckin' IDIOT. Why did I think...ugh, why the fuck did I think the whole thing was just something I could sweep under the goddamn rug?"

 

"So...you do remember?" Alex cautioned to ask in a small voice.

 

Ryland exhaled harshly, his voice low and avoiding Alex’s earnest and searching gaze as dropped his hand to his side. "Yes, Alex, I fuckin' remember. The fuckin’...margaritas and the kiss and...yeah. Everything.”

 

"You do? Then...why did you never say anything? Why-?"

 

"Because I felt GUILTY, okay?!" Ryland's voice rose in a shout and he huffed, lowering it. He didn’t want to give Alex the impression he was mad at him, just mad at himself. "It...it was all just...like, MAYBE I started to get feelings for you and it was really fuckin' scary and confusing for me. Like...I don't get along with people, okay? Not since...I mean, whatever. I have a hard time like...opening up to people and I find most of ‘em to be fuckin' annoying or shitty but I mean...I liked you, I liked spending time with you and talking to you and you...the way you act around me made me feel like...I'm not just a walking shit bag to you like...for some reason, you like being around me and it made me feel...weird and unworthy and just..." Ryland started pacing, not really looking Alex in the eye but occasionally running his sweaty hand over the hair coming out of his messy ponytail. "And I mean...probably right away I was attracted to you, like physically and stuff but I always like 'No, that doesn't mean anything. Alex is a good looking guy, just like...aesthetically n’ shit' but with just...what happened at Vixen, it just slowly, it started to snowball and shit and then when you told me you had depression, I found myself so fuckin' SCARED, just the idea of losing you and then I felt like...that night...for a second, for a brief fuckin' _second_ I actually felt brave enough to maybe...I dunno...make a pass at you but then finding out you were sleeping out of your car and shit and offering to have you spend the night, suddenly it didn't FEEL right anymore, thinking of it that way. It would...would have had this scummy dynamic to it, like I was letting you stay with fuckin' strings attached or I was taking advantage of you when you had no place to go. That was the _last_ thing I wanted and then..." He pinched the bridge of his nose hard, on the verge of tearing up either from frustration or just pent up emotion. He wasn’t sure which. "Fuckin'...turning you down, I felt so unbelievably shitty. I thought 'Of fucking course things would end up like this. God wouldn't fuckin' let me have what I want, just hand me a situation to be with you', he had to make it so you were drunk and then I'd feel guilty and have to be honorable and say 'no' and, and, you cryin’ an’ shit, I just-"

 

"Ryland, Ryland...just..."

 

Ryland jumped as he felt gentle hands reaching up and petting his shoulders, opening his eyes to see Alex gazing at him, looking both patient and a little amused as he stopped in his tracks.

 

"Um...that was...heh, kinda a lot to parse. So...you do have...feelings for me?"

 

"YES! What did I just...ugh, what I just fuckin' finish SAYING, dude?! Even just the shit I said that night, I meant it. I meant every word of it and god, it was so STUPID, just-"

 

"RYLAND," Alex interrupted him with a soft giggle, faintly stroking his arms. "It's okay. I mean, I had a feeling you meant it even if you were drunk. That's why I...like..." He averted his eyes briefly, shaking his head. "I had started to get feelings for you too, but they were all really vague and...when you started saying that stuff, it just confused the hell out of me and I really didn't know how to take it. I figured you liked me as a friend but hearing it, I just didn't really know how to process it and I was already so..." Alex broke off in a sigh. "Not in a good place so I..." Alex looked up, holding his gaze. "Came onto you when I was already feeling really vulnerable and shit. I honestly don’t hate you for turning me down. It took me a while to even remember the details of it, I just...I was so scared of ruining our friendship, scared you’d be mad at me if I brought it up in case this was something we were never meant to talk about. I tried to forget and sort it all out on my own but I can’t...I can’t keep it all bottled up inside anymore, Ryland, how I feel about you…I…”

 

Ryland gave a start as Alex slipped closer, the other man’s forehead falling to rest against his shoulder and let out an almost mournful sigh. Almost automatically, his arm curved around Alex’s back to keep him steady. His reflexes were so ready to hold Alex whenever he was feeling down, it just seemed a natural to do, even as he gulped at the feeling of Alex’s warm supple skin against his hand.

 

Ryland breathed, unsteady. Hugs and just-friends cuddles on the couch were one thing but the closeness of their bodies was making his blood pound like thunder in his temples. “Alex…?”

 

Alex broke off in a sigh, his hazel-brown eyes liquid and wide with supplication and already his heart pierced painfully at the thought that Alex was on the verge of tears.  "Ryland, I...love you. I just...I never planned or expected things to happen like they ended up happening. Even looking back on it all, I couldn't really explain why I felt so happy that you were the only person that stayed for my show, the whole way through. It meant the world to me and even this fuckin'...scavenger hunt thing couldn't cover all the times you stood up for me or were there for me. You mean the world to me and I honestly don't know what I'd do without you. Even before, I felt weird the way you'd look out for me like...I had weird hang-ups asking for help but...you make me feel protected and...safe. I just...I was just kinda hoping that you’d...y’know...fall in love with me as much as I...fell for you…”

 

Some sleeping instinct kicked in and he reached a hand out to cup Alex’s cheek. It may have only been a few seconds just holding his gaze with the other man but it felt like an eternity of just hovering in place, not frozen but waiting. He wasn’t sure who was the one to move closer but he nearly gasped as he felt Alex’s lips cover his, beseeching. Shy.

 

His heart thudded hard as Alex’s lithe body slipped closer, just a fraction. At the fit of their bodies, heat spread through him like wildfire. He could have escalated things like he’d wanted to for so long but he couldn’t bring himself to, feeling like the whole kiss, the whole moment floating fragile as a soap bubble on the verge of breaking apart.

 

If anything, Alex was the one to escalate if only because Ryland wasn’t pushing him away or giving a sign to stop. He didn’t so much hold onto him as melt over him like warm honey, winding his long arms around his neck and smothering him with his taste, his scent. He knew he wasn’t going to make the same mistake and just let the whole thing wash over him as a passive observer so his hand spread over the subtle curve of Alex’s bare back, almost jumping clear out of his skin at the sudden loud moan Alex made, the lower half of his body pressing closer to his.

 

“Ry...fuck, I want...I want you to fuck me…please...my...asshole is ready for you...” Alex panted against his mouth. His body gave a shudder of surprise as Alex’s hand slipped through the open window of his jacket to his shirt, cupping his chest. Once he absorbed the words and at the touch, it was enough for his knees to almost buckle, his beneath finding the sharp, hard edge of his dresser. As if to taunt him, his stomach immediately began to growl with delayed hunger.

 

“Jesusfuck!” He blinked, trying to right himself and steady his alarmed breathing. “Wow! Okay! Um...I...c-can...we...I mean….I know you want to do this but can we have like...dinner first? I haven’t eaten since this morning and-"

 

Alex pulled his head up, laughing with nervous distraction, his eyes bright as newly minted pennies. "Oh. Yeah. Sure. I just...we can eat and then...just-"

 

"Yeah," Ryland interrupted, letting out a cough to collect himself. He still felt light-headed and his heart was still beating a million miles an hour but he reckoned if he could take care of eating first, only then it’d give him time to process everything and 'everything' covered a hell of a lot. 

 

Alex reluctantly and gradually pulled away from him and Ryland instantly felt the temperature of the front half of his body drop several degrees.

 

"Um..." As Alex started to leave the bedroom, he stopped and turned to face him, he added hastily, "Uh...maybe...p-put some clothes on? Just...just in case the delivery guy-"

 

"Oh...yeah. Alright," Alex said with a slight nod, giving him a small friendly smile. 

 

They left the bedroom, Ryland heading for the kitchen area in a fog and pulled the clipped up sheet of coupons off the fridge.

 

Normally he was hard to not binge on pizza but eating too much before sex made him feel sluggish and disgusting. Swallowing, he took out his phone. One large one-topping with a free 2-liter. He'd try to force himself down to two slices, maybe two and a half. Just enough to be comfortably full and not bloated.

 

Ryland blurted out a noise of surprise as Alex sidled up to him now fully dressed in a T-shirt and jeans, his heart fit to leap right out of his throat. _Jesus, calm down_ , he reminded himself.

 

"Whatcha gettin'?"

 

"Uhm...j-...one topping and a 2 liter. What uh-"

 

"Pepperoni and a Cherry Pepsi if they have it. If not, regular Pepsi is fine."

 

"Cool..."

 

Not noticing his nerves, Alex walked away and plopped himself on the couch. He dialed the number and listlessly went through the order. When that was done, he pulled out his wallet, sucking his teeth as he scanned the contents. At least he had enough for a bare minimum tip.

 

Alex inclined his head as Ryland made his way to the couch. "How long?"

 

Ryland exhaled. "Fifteen minutes, more or less.”

 

"Alright."

 

As he sat down, he noticed Alex wasn't comfortably sprawled out like he usually was. His legs were oddly folded underneath his body as if he was trying to take up less space. 

 

Ryland sucked his teeth, drumming his fingers on his thigh. "Soooo...you gonna play anything until-?"

 

"I mean, I could play a little Crash." Alex let out a chuckle as he scratched the side of his head. "I'm still trying to get all the gems. Oh, actually-”

 

He hopped off the couch and stooped down to fish around in his bag of belongings before pulling out a small notebook and then turned on the PlayStation before sitting back down and handing it to him.

 

Ryland raised an eyebrow. "What's this?"

 

Alex scowled slightly. "My diary...thing. I figure...it'd give you a better idea of what...went through my head when I was staying here. I mean, I'm giving you permission to read it so you know where I'm...coming from, at least.”

 

"Oh..."

 

Ryland flipped to the first page, reading aloud. 'I think the fold-out couch Ryland made me sleep on has bed bugs, more later'?"

 

"Oh." Alex scoffed as his hands settled on the controller. "Yeah, turns out they were Bel Vita crumbs. Just...skip around. You can read the stuff I wrote about you." His lips twitched into a subtle smile. “Don’t judge, okay?”

 

"Alright..." He muttered, unsure.

 

Flipping through the pages, it didn't take long. Apparently, Alex wrote about him a lot.

 

_Today was uneventful, as per usual. Ryland came home from the gym and he seemed really out of it so I tried to cheer him up. It's hard to really know where Ryland's self-deprecating attitude begins and ends. It almost seems like he does it preemptively, like a reflex. He should know better I’d never seriously say anything bad about him. I know he feels a little self-conscious about his body so I was trying to make him feel better because I am proud that he wants to take better care of himself but as always, I went too far and I started feeling up the muscles in his arms and he got really defensive and started blushing so I apologized. I might have overstepped some bounds but I won't lie. I am REALLY into his body, like whoa. I can see how other people and even he would use the word 'fat' but I've hugged him enough to know he does have muscle, it's just covered in really soft fat. Plus he’s really strong. He's strong enough to pick me up, like when I'm stumbling over drunk or when I'm down, he'll hug me really tightly and I just feel protected and safe wrapped in his arms, like a rag doll. His rag doll..._

 

\---

 

_Still sick, blargh. It's kinda hilarious. He likes to act like he's a big old misanthrope but when I'm feeling a little sick or under the weather, Ryland goes into full-on papa bear mode. He had work today but when he came home, he was checking my temperature to see if my fever broke and making sure I was okay even though I just slept all day and watched TCM when I was awake. I made a crack about if Ryland was going to give me a sponge bath and I don’t think he thought I was joking because he did. Well, he ran me a bath and I just let him scrub me and shit. The Dayquil left me out of it but I asked him if he thought about becoming an EMT or a nurse since he's so good at taking care of me but he said the sight of actual blood makes him gag, which makes sense, I guess. Plus it's probably enough hauling my skinny ass around when I'm sick or drunk. Why am I the exception, though?_

 

\---

 

_UGH. I do not like this chick Ryland is seeing. She is just the wooooorst. But I can't say anything because then Ryland accuses me of monopolizing his time and being needy and clingy. I guess it isn't fair to have him just be celibate or anything but he just goes behind my back and changes our plans for her. He BARELY knows her, though and it almost seems like he doesn’t even like being around her all that much. I made a joke that I should just brandish a big scary Bowie knife when she comes over and pretend to clean my nails with it and maybe she'll actually break it off because she'll be scared I might do something but obviously Ryland didn't find it funny. Maybe he just doesn't want me handling knives. I’m pretty sure when I moved in, he hid all the knives and razor blades so I wouldn’t try anything desperate because I was off my meds. I know he cares but I wish he wouldn’t baby me so much._

 

_\---_

_Soooo I feel like shit. Ryland kind of out of the blue announced Melanie was coming over. Coming over for...y'know. I wasn't around when this whole conversation happened but I guess she and Ryland decided to just be fuck buddies. So nevermind just having her around and feeling like a third wheel. The only time she would be around is when they're going to be fucking. So I have to make myself scarce for the night. Great._

 

_We had a whole fight about it but I said I was going to go out and just let them do...stuff. I went to the bar and had some drinks, figured I was done for the night. Called an Uber and came home and...they were STILL going at it! I must have spent hours at the bar and they were still just...UGH. I didn't know what to do. For a while I just sat there on the couch, listening to it echoing through the apartment and feeling completely sick to my stomach and not just because I had a bunch of vodka cranberries._

 

_It's really not just her personality that I can't stand. Her whole...thing just drives me up the wall. She calls 'Ryland' Daddy and she talks in this stupid baby voice and yelps like a dog and I swear to god, loud as shit, Ryland made this growling noise like a bear or a tiger. It scared the shit out of me but in a weird way, it was kind of hot? Then I felt worse like...Ryland is never going to growl for ME like that._

 

_Once I started thinking about it, I just felt worse. I try not to think about it at all but it was driving me insane and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was going to drown out the noise by playing something but immediately I had to throw up and as I was going to the bathroom, I tripped on Melanie's purse and then just threw up ALL over it. Why would she leave it in the middle of the floor anyway?_

 

_But yeah I threw up all over her purse and the sound of me heaving, I guess that was enough for them to stop fucking and she was just standing over me just screeching like Blah blah blah Do you know about expensive that was? and part of me was pleased in a really vindictive way but overall I felt terrible and I was mumbling trying to apologize but I kept throwing up and she started smacking me in the head like I'm some sick animal but Ryland made her stop saying it wasn't that bad and he'd get some towels to clean the puke off but she was crying crocodile tears about how it was now ruined FOREVER and all this rich bitch bullshit and then she just stormed off._

 

_All the time I was trying to say I didn't do it on purpose because Ryland knows how I feel about her and how I don't like her and I didn't want him for a second to think I'd do something like that on purpose but he said it was fine. I mean, he said it but his expression said he was maybe not AS fine as he said. I don't think he wanted her to flounce away like she did and have my barf all over the place. He was still really sweaty and his face was all red and he smelled like really girly body spray and I tried not to think about it or I'd just start heaving even more even after my stomach was completely empty of anything to throw up. I don’t know why Ryland puts up with me sometimes. I’m just a stupid drunk mess..._

 

Ryland stopped reading, stealthily glancing at Alex sitting beside him. God, he had no idea Alex didn’t like Melanie that much. He’d forgotten all about her, to be honest. They had a brief thing but she found some completely petty reason to break up and but he found himself strangely relieved when it was all over and done instead of sad or angry. He’d always suspected she was only looking for a sexual relationship because deep down, he couldn’t deal with her otherwise. She was absolutely the kind of shallow self-obsessed woman he couldn’t stand but...she liked to fuck. A Lot.

 

With a sigh, he kept reading.

 

_Ryland is just the worst._

 

_So the AC was out, as per usual. Ryland was home all day and he set up the oscillating fan but it didn't feel any cooler. We'd just been eating popsicles all day in our underpants watching eighties action movies._

 

_So I guess Ryland was trying to be funny because he was sucking on this cherry popsicle and poking the tip in and out of his mouth and smearing it all over his lips and making these obscene moans and gulps. Maybe it didn't help that it was hot already and Ryland was all half-naked and sweaty and his face was all red and his hair was sticking to his forehead but I got INCREDIBLY turned on. I couldn't even move a muscle, just watching the popsicle dipping over and over into Ryland's mouth, imagining him giving me a really sloppy BJ, perched over him and him looking up at me with his eyes all half-shut and touching me all over._

 

_I must have zoned out so much that he just bit a huge chunk out of it and I just ran off to the bathroom to JO. God, I'm so embarrassed but I'm madder at Ryland for being such a big tease…_

 

_\---_

 

_WELL, I found out an interesting thing about Ryland._

 

_We were watching TV and there was a trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey and I wasn't really paying that much attention because I was on my laptop but Ryland scoffed and said he'd done kinkier things than that. Like I said, I wasn't watching that closely or anything but it kind of took me surprise so I asked what he meant._

 

 _He seemed surprised I was paying attention and kind of clammed up saying he used to date someone who was into that stuff. Again, I asked what kind of stuff because by now I was curious and he was sputtering and trying to change the subject but after a lot of hemming and hawing, he said that he's done some stuff. I guess he doesn't want to be lumped in with people who do it all the time but he has dabbled in it and by 'dabble' he means used ropes and cuffs, used a paddle, a whip and a riding crop for spanking and done quote-unquote "sensory stuff", which I guess means blindfolds? Oh and gags apparently._ _He laughed at me being so interested in this and asked me what kinky stuff I've done and I said I haven't done anything. Well, that part is true, at least._

 

_But apparently, he still has a bunch of the stuff in a trunk quote-unquote "somewhere" and oh my god, I kind of want to find it. I mean, some of it sounds like no fun to mess around with by myself but I'm just really turned on thinking that Ryland has this dominant side he doesn't talk about. Between the both of us, he's more laconic and surly but he has this really caring gentle side and the thought of Ryland showing me that stuff got me all goosebumpy, like tying me up and just-_

 

Ryland nearly leapt off the couch when he heard the doorbell ring, setting the diary aside and going to the door. He tipped the delivery person and brought in the pizza box and the plastic bag with the 2-liter of Pepsi, setting the box on the coffee table.

 

For a while, they ate in silence, Ryland absorbing the things he’d read. He had no idea that Alex had been stewing that long in unrequited feelings for him or worse: thought he was being cockteased by Ryland just being a dumb slob. He did remember the Popsicle thing if only because the sound of Alex thundering to the bathroom took him by surprise but he didn't think anything of it at the time. 

 

Bit by bit, stray pieces started to fit themselves into a bigger picture: a picture staring him right in the face but he’d been too blind to see it at all or to only see it as something else completely: how Alex would act indifferent at best or strangely cold at worst whenever he’d try to date, the way Alex would end up nodding off during long movies or shows with his head resting on his chest and clinging to his arm like a security blanket and not only did he not mind but it filled him with a fragile contentment, seeing how long he could let Alex sleep like that before he’d lose the feeling in his arm completely and have to wake the other man up or just stare at the bluish light of the TV illuminating his peaceful face. In fact, thinking about it now, he would sometimes catch Alex staring at him but he’d always chalk that up to being stoned and spacing out, like the way he’d just dazedly smile at him for no real reason.

 

How stupid was he to not see what a two-way street the whole thing was? He really thought Alex’s capacity to shrug off everything thrown his way meant he saw happened that night was just a mistake, a mistake Alex in his seemingly bottomless well of optimism had forgiven him for and it became water under the bridge, except it hadn’t. It just sat and festered, enough to imbue their time spent together with an invisible tension, waiting for one of them to pick up where they left off but maybe knowing, fearing deep down they were both too chicken to making the first move to change anything.

 

Ryland stopped to occasionally steal glances at the other man. God, how had he forgotten just how good-looking Alex was? Even just eating pizza or drinking Pepsi straight out of the bottle, he might as well been looking at Alex through one of those fuzzy romantic filters. He knew he was staring and thinking too hard when he felt his face grow warm at the thought of crossing that gulf between them on the couch, knowing now just how deep Alex’s feelings went if he was all this time fantasizing about him, even being secretly titillated at the thought of his own dalliances into kink.

 

In a weird way, he never thought to even take his mind to places like that. Any romantic or sexual fantasies about Alex were pretty vanilla, mostly centered around body worship, blowjobs or grinding against each other. Even those, he felt terrible even thinking about, choosing to jerk off thinking about his roommate when he’d actually be out of the house; as if Alex could somehow pick up his thoughts and find out about it.

 

Automatically, when he got to the crusts, he put them back into the pizza box for Alex to eat since he liked the crusts, otherwise he’d just throw them out. It was almost reflex at this point and he never really stopped to think about it, how wrapped up in each other’s little routines they became from living together. Intertwined, in fact.

 

After Alex finished eating and nibbling on the discarded crusts, he unpaused the game and picked up playing, not paying him any attention. He probably figured he was going to keep reading his diary but he didn’t need to. His head was positively swimming and he doubted reading more would do anything to halt the emotions swelling like crazy inside of him.

 

He got lost for a moment watching Alex play, feeling something like pride at the fact that since they met, Alex was all weird thumbs at video games. Now he was actually getting better at the hand-eye coordination that was second nature to him. He couldn’t help finding a strange source of fondness at the way Alex’s hazel-brown eyes darted back and forth and the unconscious furrow of concentration to his brow, absorbed in getting over platforms and breaking crates. He almost didn’t want to interrupt him. Almost.

 

Rolling his eyes at himself for stooping to a cliche, he gradually stretched his arm and pretended to yawn, letting his arm go over the back of the couch and then nudging the top of Alex’s shoulder, letting out a cough to get his attention. 

 

“Sooooo...you want us to fuck?”

 

Alex’s body tensed, his eyes going big as saucers. “Uhm! I...j...I...I mean, if...you...still want to?! I…” Alex paused and worried at his lips. “This whole...scavenger hunt thing was a stupid idea. I really should have come out and said something but...I was too scared of how you’d react and-”

 

“Naw, I get it. I mean…” With a grunt, he moved closer. “I had no idea you felt that way about me. It…” He scoffed. “Does actually explain some things, though.”

 

Alex jerked his head towards him and remembering the game, quickly paused it with his thumb. “What things?”

 

Ryland wrinkled his nose in amusement. “Just...for one, how pissy you’d get whenever I’d date someone.”

 

“I-!” Alex huffed. “I didn’t get _pissy_!”

 

Ryland found himself smirking wider, more at how defensive Alex was getting than anything. “No, I mean, I get it _now_. I guess at the time, I thought you were just pissed I wasn’t spending as much time with you or...even just jealous I was gettin’ laid and you weren’t. But no...heh, you were actually jealous of them. Kinda...wanted me all to yourself, huh?”

 

Alex ducked his head, blushing and pouting deeply. “I’m-! I’m not _proud_ of feeling that way or anything, Ryland! I...never tried to get in the way of your relationships but...I just-”

 

“Dude, just…” Ryland curled his arm further around Alex’s shoulders, putting one hand on his leg just above his knee. “It’s cool. I mean…” He paused to wince. “It WASN’T cool fuckin’ guilt tripping me about going on dates but...I really just...didn’t think the feelings I had about you were...I dunno, worth having. I cared, still care too much about you. The smart thing I guess would be to let you stay until you got enough money for your own place but...I guess I’m just fuckin’ selfish like that. I DON’T want to let you go. Even if we were just friends. I’m too…” He looked up and brushed his fingers through the curls framing Alex’s face, scoffing sadly. “Used to your dumb smile and your dumb laugh and just-”

 

He was interrupted as Alex swooped in to kiss him and this time, he didn’t stop him, his hand going around the other man’s side and gently tugging him closer as he adjusted to the suddenness of Alex’s mouth moving over his. Even with those allowances, it was still too overwhelming, invading his senses: the smell of Alex’s lush shampoo as his hair tickled against his face, the faint taste of pizza sauce and Pepsi as his kisses burned hot against his mouth, groaning as he felt Alex’s hands sliding restlessly up and down his shoulders.

 

“Fuck...dude…” He breathed before breaking reluctantly away to catch his breath. “You...heh...need to fuckin’ slow down. I mean...we don’t have to rush or anything…” As Alex pulled away, he pecked at his lips. “I mean...I’d kinda prefer if we take things slow. It’s…” He sneered at himself. “I mean, you would know...it’s been a while since I’ve had _any_ sex…”

 

Alex’s breathing was heavier, his lips parted. “I understand. ‘M just...heh...nervous but...heh, excited.” With a winsome hum, he put his arms around his neck, kissing him slower but just as tenderly. “I’ve...just wanted this for so long…”

 

Ryland hummed in answer, cupping Alex’s cheek and trailing over the skin tenderly with his fingertips. “Huh. Did you shave?”

 

Alex giggled softly and gave a nod. “Yeah. I thought it’d feel nicer for you, not having to deal with being scratched n’ stuff.”

 

“I mean, I appreciate it but...I don’t think I’d mind either way. I’m already...mmm...totally into you…”

 

With a low purr, he trailed his mouth down the side of Alex’s neck, a fire flaring to life inside him at the sound of Alex gasping above him and his body tensing before he turned his neck to the side.

 

He felt fingers digging into his shoulders and then heard Alex whimper out a fluttery giggle, squirming against him. “Ry...ry, st-stop...it...tickles...ngh…”

 

Ryland chuckled. “Oh yeah? Do you _really_ want me to stop?”

 

Alex made a fussy noise but that was the only answer he needed to keep going, holding onto the other man tighter so he wouldn’t pull away, drinking in his inarticulate giggly pants and his own name broken off into more giggles as he peppered Alex’s neck with whiskery kisses or just to tease him, brushing his beard over the sensitive skin of his throat.

 

When he finally let him go, he had turned Alex around on the couch, letting him sprawl back onto the cushions, red-faced and deliciously out of breath.

 

“Fuck...you’re such a dick,” Alex panted with an amused scowl, tossing his hair out of his face.

 

“Heh...it’s not my fault you’re so... _sensitive_ ,” he purred back, moving closer before his lips found Alex’s again, the other man moaning faintly at the contact.

 

Alex murmured before pulling away. “Ry...there’s something I need to tell you before...we go any further. I…” Alex shut his eyes briefly as he tried to catch his breath before gazing up him meekly. “I’ve...never done this before…”

 

“Oh. Well, uh…” Ryland winced and gave a slight shrug. “Neither have I with like...a guy, but as long as we y’know, go one step at a time, it should be fine. I mean...I’ve done anal before so-”

 

Alex interrupted him with a scoff. “No, Ry, that’s-” He took a deeper breath, ducking his head. “I mean, I’ve never had... _sex_ ...before.” Before Ryland had an opportunity to say anything, he hastily added. “I mean, I’ve had blowjobs before and handjobs but never to completion or like... _intercourse_...before. With anybody.”

 

“Oh?!” That was even more of a surprise and he was so blind-sided, he had no opportunity to sober his expression or even come up with a better way of putting the first words out of his mouth. “I...how...how did that happen?”

 

Alex frowned. “I don’t know. It’s not like I didn’t get chances to. I mean, my girlfriends in high school gave me blowjobs but it felt...weird. Like the sensation was nice, I guess, but I was so sheltered and so actually terrified about getting them pregnant somehow that I was just felt like ‘Am I supposed to feel something?’, like have movies and shit been lying to me or it’s just a big joke everybody’s in on but me or...is something wrong with me?' Then in college, I was so stuck in my own head, I didn’t even go on many dates, let alone get close to anybody. And I was in the hospital and after that...I just...for a while I’d force myself to date when I’d feel nothing until I stopped bothering and just cutting the people out of my life who were guilting me to. So…” Alex’s eyes darted back up at him and then back down, sighing. “Yeah. Sorry, I’m so...pathetic.”

 

“No, it…dude, it’s okay, I just…” Ryland blew out the breath he was holding, letting out a nervous chuckle that he hoped didn't come off as insensitive. “I was going to take things slow anyway but...heh. Wow. You’ve actually put a lot more pressure on me, actually wanting me to...like...be your first and...take your virginity.”

 

“Ryland…I mean, I know technically virginity is a construct and stuff but...I don’t think of it that way. You wouldn't be ‘taking’ it. I’d be...giving it to you.” Alex paused and wriggled under him self-consciously. “I’ve...waited so long and...been in situations where I could have just taken care of it quickly like...I dunno, ripping off a bandage but I thought, if I am going to wait, I might as well do it with someone I love and care about and...I want to do it with you.”

 

Ryland tried to breathe but everything in his chest felt painfully expanded as he sat back on his heels. “I…” He chuckled shakily, his breathing short. “Wow. I’m...heh. I think I’m having fuckin’ trouble breathing, dude.”

 

“Oh?!” Alex sat up on his palms in concern, reaching out to him. “Are you gonna have a heart attack? Does your arm feel numb, just-”

 

Ryland sputtered, swatting Alex’s hand away and putting a hand on his heart to calm it down. “Alex, I’m not having a heart attack, just…” He paused to take a few breaths. “I...don’t know if I can do this tonight.” Before Alex got the impression he was turning him down again or worse; shoot him those abandoned puppy dog eyes, he quickly added. “It’s not that I don’t want to. I do, I just...if this is going to be your first time, maybe we should start with something less than...actual...sex and work up to that at...some point. Like…” He rubbed the back of his neck and gulped. “This is all kind of happening at once, I’m...kinda...overwhelmed and...scared.”

 

Alex peered at him, curious. “Scared? Scared of what?”

 

“...scared of just...accidentally...hurting you? I mean, I’ve never actually had sex with a virgin. Every girl I’ve been with had sex at least once with at least someone other than me so…”

 

Alex fidgeted with his hands, wincing slightly. “Well...I kiiiinda know what to do. I mean, just because I’ve never had actual sex doesn’t mean NOTHING has been in my butt,” Alex added with a soft, self-conscious laugh.

 

“Oh? What have you done before?”

 

Alex shrugged. “Just...finger myself.”

 

“How many?”

 

Alex scoffed. “You mean how many fingers? Uh, two at the most, I guess. Oh and uh...it’s kinda embarrassing but like...I’ve stuck a Sharpie up there. The blunt end but-”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

Alex scowled at him, immediately defensive. “I-! I was curious, Ryland!”

 

“Dude?! I write grocery lists with that!”

 

“I wash them off after I'm done! I’m not GROSS!”

 

Despite that, he found himself snorting. Things had gotten so tense and serious, he almost forgot he was considering this with somebody who he’d get stoned and watch bootleg anime with.

 

With a shake of his head, he found himself thinking ‘Well, that’s better than nothing.’ But no, it was still too much pressure. They’d only just aired out that dirty laundry they had been sitting on for so long and now Alex wanted to actually do the deed tonight, planning everything out for just that if that comment he made before dinner was any indication. It was only now he realized Alex had softened the request to go on this whole scavenger hunt this morning by making breakfast. Shit, he even knew he’d be more game for it on a full stomach. 

 

As excuses compounded one after another, looking at Alex gazing back him, they started to drop away one by one, almost knocked flat on his back by the heavy yearning in the other man’s hazel-brown eyes. God, why did Alex have to hit him with the puppy dog eyes and know he’d fold like a cheap card table for it, every damn time?

 

Blinking a few times, Alex dropped his gaze with a sigh, running a hand through his hair. “Ry, if we can’t do this tonight, I...understand. I...expected too much.”

 

“What? No, that’s not-I mean…” He stopped himself, rewording what he wanted to say in his head. It’s not like it wasn’t possible, it was just his own neurotic self that wanted to run away from it like he’d always had. It might not go perfectly the first time. His own experience losing his virginity definitely didn’t go perfectly. The least he could do was make Alex’s first time as painless as he could. He owed him that, at least.  

 

Swallowing, he tried to pick up his train of thought. “I...if we do actually...if you do want to do actually want to do this tonight...you have to do exactly what I say, okay?”

 

Alex blinked at him and then smiled shyly. “‘Exactly’?”

 

He nodded, stroking the side of Alex’s arm lightly. “Yeah, and you have to tell me every step of the way what you’re feeling and like...when you want me to stop and when to keep going. This is all really...new to me. I want to do this right for you since...you waited so long...okay?"

 

Alex nodded, lovingly stroking his arms before kissing him. “Yes, sir.”

 

Ryland raised an eyebrow but didn’t immediately question it, his hand going to Alex’s side where his shirt had ridden up, feeling him shiver as his fingertips found bare skin and greedily went further up, feeling across his stomach and up to his chest.

 

He paused, breaking away from the kiss, holding his gaze with Alex when he opened his eyes, dizzy and amazed.

 

“Bed.”

 

Alex swallowed noisily and immediately stumbled off the couch and Ryland followed as Alex backed up down the hallway, looking both excited and scared before he grabbed the other man by the waist, kissing him hard and feel him go deliciously limp as he led him back to his room.

 

They were both out of breath when they crossed the threshold, Ryland sliding Alex’s shirt further and further up his torso before it was off and being thrown to the floor and Alex was pushing Ryland’s jacket off his shoulders as they kissed with desperate distraction.

 

Ryland let out a noise of surprise at the feeling of something tighten in his hair and loosen, realizing Alex had impulsively taken his hair tie out and thrown it across the room. With a frown, he rubbed the back of his head. “Dude, what the hell?”

 

“Heh, sorry, I just...like you with your hair down, that’s all.” As if to make his point, Alex continued to kiss him, now with his eager hands combing through his smooth hair.

 

Ryland hummed against Alex’s mouth, drinking in the full body shivers and sweet, pleased moans before he backed Alex up against the bed, only barely holding onto the kiss as Alex fell back onto the mattress with a heavy exhale. Ryland knelt over the other man, watching his bare chest heave as he sprawled out, his lips looking much rosier as well as the pink flush staining his angular cheekbones.

 

Alex opened his eyes and faintly writhed, smiling coyly. “Dude...you look like you’re about to devour me right now…”

 

Ryland let himself smirk as he leaned over, kissing along Alex’s jawline and feeling him bend underneath him like a willow branch. “Naw, man. I want to…” With a deep hum, he moved further down, finding the turn of his neck and placing a string of short teasing kisses down to his collarbones. “...mmm, _savor_ every taste of you.”

 

Alex moaned faintly. “Ahm...o-okay...y-you...know...ah...what’s best…”

 

Ryland hummed again, much deeper and richer this time and he could feel Alex’s gasp reverberate through him and chuckled. “Is that too much?”

 

“No, it’s...fuck, it’s really...mmmn, I’m…” Alex chuckled carefully. “It’s making me really fuckin’ hard, actually.”  

 

“Oh.”

 

His own feelings about Alex tended to veer toward awed worship but when his own fantasies would go further, he would find himself pulling back out of guilt and fear. It wasn’t like he couldn’t wrap his head around the actual mechanics of it, it just felt disgustingly one-sided, part and parcel of his stupid crush. Now riding the crest of the heavy need rolling inside him was a strange skittishness, mostly at the thought of actually touching Alex... _there_.

 

His breath sat trapped in his lungs as his hand moved down, skimming along Alex’s slender body before resting on top of the bulge bursting through his skinny jeans, lightly squeezing it and making Alex hiss and loll his head against the pillow.

 

“Do you like that? I mean...is this okay?”

 

Alex exhaled, looking at him through his eyelashes. “Ry, I know...um, you want to check in with me an’ stuff but...heh, you really don’t HAVE to. I’ve had my dick touched before, y’know.”

 

Ryland scowled. “Yeah, well...I haven’t touched someone else’s dick before. Give me _some_ friggin’ credit.”

 

Alex sputtered, sweeping a hand over his face. “Okay, okay. Fair enough. It’s sweet.”

 

“‘Sweet?” Quickly, he shed his shoes and socks and settled on the bed.

 

Alex snickered. “I mean, you being all gentle and stuff with me. I...I mean, I have fantasized about it a lot so...heh, I’ve kind of expected you to, I dunno... _ravage_ me.” He met his eye with a naughty gleam, bobbing his eyebrows and smirking.

 

Ryland ignored the throb in his pants at the thought, stammering before Alex interrupted him with a cackle.

 

“Ryyyy, oh my god, are you blushing?”

 

“NO!,” Ryland scowled, completely on reflex as he passed a hand over his hot face. Shit, he was blushing or at least starting to. “I mean...s-shut up.”

 

Alex snickered, leaning up and kissing him and stroking his shoulders. “No, I mean, it’s okay. Just calm down. I know I’ve built this up in my own head but already its...heh, so much better than I imagined.”

 

Ryland let out a ‘Whoashit!’ as Alex suddenly pulled him closer, his knees hugging his sides.

 

Alex faintly bit his bottom lip and swallowed. “I just...I want to know what it’s like. Show me what...it can be like. Please?" 

 

“Uh…” Ryland let out a sheepish but husky chuckle. He wanted to say something sexy and romantic but the words immediately piled up on the path from his brain to his mouth, too overwhelmed at the moment by Alex’s shy sincerity. “I...heh, I can, I mean...heh, yeah.”

 

He tried to chuckle to make light of it but Alex leaned up to kiss his cheek lovingly. The sheer depth of desire bursting up like a groundswell and spreading through him left him feeling both heavy and lighter than air. He panted, lowering his head and laying a kiss just under the barrier of Alex's rib cage, slowly inching backward as he kissed a slow but determined path down across Alex’s stomach. The broken off soft gasps and sighs were like the most heavenly music, Alex’s slight body arching up to him and the tapered fingers grabbing his hair made him growl under his breath, Alex keening and almost squealing in answer. 

 

He shoved his hesitance aside as his fingers worked open the metal button of Alex’s jeans, tugging down the zipper and sliding it off, unable to stop himself from throwing it over his shoulder.

 

Ryland paused, briefly admiring the rose-print boxers stretched tautly and looking up at Alex half-twisted on the bed before him through the fringe of hair hanging over his face. “Oh my god, dude…” he breathed and he almost scowled at himself at that being his first audible reaction at the sight before him.

 

Alex looked back at him, his Coke brown eyes already darker and glazed over, his chest faintly heaving. “I’m...all yours, Ryland. Do...whatever you want to me…”

 

He swallowed. “Whatever I want, huh?” His fingers moved underneath the tight elastic waistband before easing it carefully back and sliding it down Alex’s absurdly long legs and tossing it aside. Gazing down at Alex’s half-hard length curving up towards his stomach and the shorn patch of sandy brown hair around the base, he found himself actually salivating at the sight.

 

“Heh. Did you shave this for me too?” He asked as he passed his palms over the tops of Alex’s thighs. His legs weren’t shaved but feeling the almost feathery cover of leg hair was oddly thrilling in its unfamiliarity.

 

Alex chuckled shakily. “No, I do that anyway for like...maintenance and stuff. My pubes can get a bit dry and scratchy and…” Alex sputtered out a laugh. “Yeah, you get the picture, um….have you...done this before?”

 

Ryland shook his hair out of his eyes as he knelt between Alex’s legs. “Tch. No. I just...really wanted to do it to you…”

 

He loosely grasped the base of Alex’s dick and angled it toward his mouth, giving the side of the head a long lick, feeling his own hunger grow watching the reaction flit across Alex’s face and his body bend underneath him, Alex’s coltish legs unfolding and splaying out for him. He gave the top a few more long, lingering licks and feeling momentarily malicious, blew a thin stream of cool air over the warmed flesh.

 

Alex’s body jumped up, jerking and shuddering as he tried to catch his breath after it hitched up high. “AH! Oh! Oh, Jesus RY! Don’t...haah...don’t tease me like that…”

 

With a purr, Ryland flitted his eyes upward. “Oh...I think you like being teased... _rag doll_ …”

 

“OH…” Alex gasped. “Oh my God, Ry...”

 

By the almost scandalized tone of Alex’s voice, it was enough to make him freeze. What was he thinking, pulling the Dominant stuff on Alex without even asking him if he was okay with it? “UH...I mean...sorry. I just...improvised. I didn’t know if-”

 

“No, Ry, it’s okay...fuck...it just...surprised me. Oh my god…”

 

“So...you’re fine with me being a little...Dominant?” His tone was more than a little hopeful. God, how long HAD it been since he was Dominant, let alone had any sex? Too long, that's for damn sure.

 

Alex nodded frantically. “Yeah, definitely. I mean...heh, you should read the ebooks I have on my Kindle.”

 

Ryland let out a cough, trying not to act to eager at the thought. “Well...we should probably come up with a safe word. Just in case.”

 

“Oh. Um...Kubrick.”

 

Ryland raised an eyebrow. “Kubrick?”

 

“Yeah, my...well, _one_ of my favorite directors. Is that too complex or-?”

 

“No, it’s fine. As long as you remember it, I guess…” Clearing his throat, he shook his hair out of his eyes again and with a hum, picked up licking around the head of Alex’s dick, letting it go partially into his mouth and releasing it with a moist pop of his lips before moving further down. His dick throbbed in his jeans at the sensation of Alex’s long fingers twisting around and combing through his hair, huffing and breathing hard as Alex’s short nails scratched at his scalp.

 

“Does...ah...ngh, does it taste good, Ry?” he asked, cradling the back of his head.

 

“Oh yeah,” he answered almost automatically. He chalked it up to being an acquired taste, the starchy aftertaste most likely from soap or body wash. He was more driven out of his mind by just having Alex pinned down under him, squirming and sighing, his restless hands in his hair and his cock throbbing against his tongue. He really didn’t know the finer points of giving a blowjob but his instincts carried him through, lavishing Alex’s dick with enough savoring swipes and passes with his tongue before he opened his mouth wider and lowered it slowly over Alex’s slick shaft. At the feeling of his mouth closing just barely around the other man’s dick, Alex’s breath hitched before moaning and he was able to make out Alex’s messy hair rustle against the pillow.

 

“Ah...I...always thought you...were joking when you said you wanted to blow me. Guess I should have known be-Ah!”

 

He quickly glanced up as he lowered his head further down, pausing and then picking back up once he was sure Alex’s noises were pleasured and not pained. Still, he knew wasn’t going to be a pro his first time around. Getting his mouth open wide enough was more difficult than he thought and he was already anticipating his teeth grazing Alex’s dick by accident. Once his tongue started moving, he felt Alex’s body erupt in shivers, seeing through his half-shut eyes Alex’s stomach hollow and his narrow hips tilt before he pushed his lower body up towards his mouth.

 

Ryland groaned deep in his throat at the sensation of the shaft sliding wet into his mouth and immediately Alex moaned louder almost in shock, clutching harder at his hair and rocking his hips against mouth.

 

“RY, w-what….ohhh what the fuck did...oh my _god_ …”

 

He didn’t even need to take his mouth away to ask. Apparently, Alex had never had a hummer before.

 

Replacing the lower-than-dirt feeling that he wasn’t good enough for Alex based on nothing but baseless assumptions was a power, swelling inside him: he was going to be Alex’s first. Alex’s body writhing under him, the tight grip on his hair, the almost musical gasps and pants burning in his ears, the concentrated sharp taste of precum trickling into his mouth, all his to have. To experience.

 

He swallowed the mouthful of overflowing saliva and continued to suck, sliding one heavy hand over Alex’s torso and pumping his fist along Alex’s shaft towards his mouth.

 

He flickered his eyes back up, seeing Alex looking back like he could barely keep his eyes open and slowly grinned, hoping that look would wordlessly convey what was throbbing hot and heavy through him: mine. All mine.

 

Alex attempted to swallow, his eyes fluttering shut. “Holy shit, Ryland...if...if you keep that up, I might cum already…”

 

With a muffled grunt, he pulled his mouth away, admiring with a kind of fascination the beaded string of spit tethering his mouth to Alex’s dick before it broke apart, wiping the drool from his mouth with the side of his hand and breathlessly chuckled. “Heh, it’s uh...trickier than I thought. I didn’t know if I keep that up for long anyway.”

 

“Heh, dude...you’re fuckin’ amazing either way…,” Alex moaned in a daze, a sleepy smile pulling at his lips.

 

Ryland hummed, smoothing one hand up one of Alex’s half-opened thighs and Alex practically knocking him backward with kisses again, these much wetter and hungrier, already jolting as he felt teeth nipping and tugging at his lips. Instead of pulling away or warning Alex to slow down, he worked his tongue into Alex’s succulent open mouth, letting Alex taste himself. He felt Alex start to tug at his sweaty shirt and with a surprising swiftness, he grabbed Alex’s thin wrist and pinned to the wall just above his head but not hard enough to hurt. Laying dormant for so long, his dominant instincts kicked in. Alex gasped against his mouth and he took his time pulling away, smirking at how reddened his lips were already, his eyes looking back at him with delirious anticipation. 

 

“Mmmm...eager, are we?”

 

As he leaned in to nuzzle at Alex’s neck, the hand on Alex’s thigh slid further up. Alex swallowed a fitful noise, his body starting to tense.

 

He glanced at Alex’s face, momentarily worried. He knows the safe word, he reminded himself. He may not have done this before but surely he’d read enough erotica to know if things get too intense, he has the power to let him know when to stop. He hoped that was the case.

 

He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, his voice gentle but firm. “Alex.”

 

“Uh?”

 

“I asked you a question.”

 

“Oh, uh...yes, sir…” he muttered quickly, averting his gaze.

 

Ryland raised an eyebrow. “Why do you call me ‘sir’?”

 

Alex hesitated, fussing with his lips. “I...had to call my dad that when I’d...misbehave.”

 

“Oh...is that so?” He really wasn’t expecting to relive his experiences with ageplay or Daddy kink but far be it for him to judge Alex for it. He already feared that he was less like somebody friend-zoned and more than his relationship with Alex had turned overprotective, almost fatherly, even if Alex started to fuss and resent him for it. This was something much different though. Much more...interesting. His lips widened into almost a devilish smirk. “You...want me to be your Daddy?”

 

Alex paused, his eyes flitting back and forth under his brows as if in thought before he nodded.

 

Ryland pursed his lips, unamused. “Use your words. Yes or no.”

 

“Ahm...y-yes, sir…”

 

Ryland purred with approval, smirking at the way Alex jolted as if spooked by it. “There’s a good boy...” Taking his hand off Alex’s thigh, he hooked one finger under Alex’s cleft chin, tilting his head up. “Look at me.”

 

Immediately, Alex’s eyes shot open and fixed on him, cutely spellbound. 

 

“Under my roof, you obey MY rules. If I tell you to stop, you stop. But…you’re a big boy. I’m giving you the responsibility to tell me if you want me to stop if I’m going too fast or hurting you, understand?”

 

Ryland watched intently as Alex absorbed this before he murmured, “Yes, sir.”

 

If he was at all worried that Alex was just going with the flow and his heart wasn’t in it, he could see it in his eyes: the deep, unambiguous trust shimmering in those dark brown depths.

 

“Good…”

 

He loosened his grip on Alex’s wrist, trailing his fingertips along his inner arm, feeling the pulse spring to his touch before he took it away completely.

 

He reached behind him and grabbed the back of his shirt, peeling it off and tossed it to the floor, wincing at the cool air hitting his sweaty skin. He flicked his hair out of his eyes, regarding Alex coolly, almost marveling that even when he wasn’t physically holding him down, Alex was staying right where he was. Obedient. He knew he shouldn’t get distracted but he couldn’t help getting even harder thinking about what Alex would look like tied up.

 

Reaching out, he put his hands on the tops of both Alex’s thighs, fondling them lightly. With a sigh, Alex’s legs fell further open.

 

“Ready for me to start, babe?”

 

“Yes, sir…” Alex said with a nod. "I...there’s a plastic bag on the floor with lube and stuff in it.”

 

With a raise of his eyebrow, he turned his head and saw next to the bed a plastic bag sitting on the floor he hadn’t noticed before. As he fished through the bag, he hummed. “Did you buy this?”

 

“No, uh...I asked Lorenzo to buy that stuff for me.”

 

He swallowed a shout. His landlord knew about this whole thing?! Lorenzo was an okay guy but he was just one of those people in his life he kept at arm’s length. He was only his landlord. It wasn't like he needed to be closer than that. He figured Lorenzo was only making a joke and didn’t really mean anything by it but he’d once made a crack when Alex living was him was still a new arrangement offhandedly calling Alex a ‘pretty boy’ and he almost slammed the front door on Lorenzo’s hand for it, briefly and irrationally offended and hideously jealous at the vague possibility Lorenzo might make a pass at Alex, especially if he wasn’t home. It was only when Lorenzo made some equally snide comment that Alex wasn’t his type that he stopped seeing red.

 

He felt his jaw tighten but closed his eyes and sighed, slow and measured, holding the bottle in his hand. Didn’t take Lorenzo to buy the cheap stuff. “I HAD lube. You didn’t need to ASK Lorenzo to BUY lube for you.”

 

“I...I didn’t know that.” Alex gulped loudly. “Ry, are you like... _actually_ mad at me?”

 

“No...just...annoyed that Lorenzo knows anything about this. It’s not any of his business.” He set the store bought lube on the nightstand and opened the drawer, pulling out his own bottle. “Plus, you’re in here often enough, takin’ naps and shit. You really don’t snoop around?”

 

“Uhh...you know I sleep in your bed?!”

 

Ryland looked back and him and snorted. “Uh...YEAH. You’re the only one who uses that fancy Bath and Body Works soap, plus I’d find curly hair on my pillows. It didn’t take much for me to figure out you sleep here when I’m at work.”

 

“...Oh.”

 

Quickly, he shucked off his jeans, smirking at Alex who was sitting looking so deflated and guilty, tweaking his cheek. “Hey. It’s cool. It was actually kinda nice. Falling asleep and having it smell like you a little.” He felt a tension in his chest relax just admitting that out loud. Once he put two and two together, as with a lot of things, he really just learned to put up with it. If Alex’s meds made him drowsy during the day and wanted to nap it off in his bed while he was at work, it wasn’t like he could stop him. The lingering scent of him on the pillows and sheets was a nice trade-off, even if sometimes the smell was less lavender scented French mill soap and more weed and graham crackers.

 

“Turn over onto your side.”

 

Alex did as he was told, settling against the pillows. “Are you gonna start...fingering me n’stuff?”

 

Ryland tried not to be taken aback by the frankness of that question and popped his lips. “Yup.”

 

“Is this like...the best way to do it?”

 

Ryland shrugged. “I mean, I guess. It’s the way I usually did it. I dunno how we’re actually gonna do this with the weight difference and stuff.”

 

Alex glanced over his shoulder at him with worry. “What, really?”

 

“Yeah, plus…” As he uncapped the bottle and drizzled it onto his hand, he snickered. “No offense but you’re just so...tiny and...pssh, delicate. I’m afraid I might like...snap you in half if I’m not careful.”

 

“Ohh…” Alex faintly curled against him. “Is it...weird that I’m kinda...into that idea? I mean, not literally but…I dunno. You’re just so strong and stuff. It kinda takes my breath away how easily you can just tote me around…”

 

Ryland hummed, stroking Alex’s flank with his clean hand. “Well, you’re the only one I tote around. I guess I make a lot of exceptions for you, rag doll.”

 

Alex let out a pleased coo and it instantly made his heart flutter like a swarm of bats. God, it’s crazy how much I love this man, he thought.

 

“Um...are you ready?”

 

Ryland felt Alex inhale a shallow breath. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

 

“Okay, it should feel a little cold but just relax.”

 

Alex grunted as he nudged the other man into an easier position on his side, keeping one hand on Alex’s side. As his hand nestled against the cleft of Alex’s ass, he immediately felt Alex's body tense and let out a muffled whine. He paused before continuing working his slippery fingers along his asscrack until his fingertip found the tight ring.

 

“Good?”

 

“Uh huh...just...fuck, it feels a little goopy but-” Alex paused to laugh shakily, his voice crept up to a much higher pitch. “Fuck I want it so bad, Ry…”

 

“Just relax.”

 

His circled his fingertip around the ring of muscle before gradually pushing it in. Alex inhaled a shaky breath as he pushing his finger just a fraction more. Ryland's mouth found the smooth slope between his neck and shoulder, kissing and inhaling Alex’s scent as he withdrew his finger and pushed it in, a little more with each pass. “Fuck, babe. You smell soooo good…”  

 

Alex’s body arched to accommodate him, a soft cry sitting trapped in his throat. “T-thanks...I...wanted to pl-please you…”

 

Ryland purred, unable to stop himself from dragging his tongue along the side of the other man’s neck, pleased by the shuddery gasp Alex let out and the muscles around his finger tighten briefly and then relax. “Mmmm and you _taste_ so fuckin’ good, too, lollipop..."

 

“Ahhh...Oh fuck...you shouldn’t do that, Ry...I have ngh...embarrassing vampire fantasies…” Alex tried to laugh but his voice was too stuck for it to come out properly.

 

“Oh yeah? How are they embarrassing?”

 

“Um...I can’t...really get into it, ah...it while you’re fingerbanging me but...just wanting to be bitten n’ stuff…” Alex whimpered and hid his face in the pillow beside his head.

 

Just when he thought he’d heard everything. That explained why when they’d watch anything involving vampires, it seemed to trigger a squirmy reaction in Alex, sometimes going as far as lacing his fingers with him during the intense parts. He tried to hide a positively feral smirk and failed. “Have you...never gotten a hickey before?”

 

Alex whimpered again with his face pressed against the pillow. “No...I was too scared to ask…”

 

Ryland breathed low, brushing Alex’s hair aside. “You can ask me now…”

 

Alex let out a starved moan, his voice low and almost barely audible. “Ngh...Ry...bite me...please….” He moaned louder under his breath, one hand clutching hard at the sheets. “Mark me as...yours…”

 

“Oh...fuck yes,” he hissed and immediately latched his mouth over one spot on Alex’s neck. Once his teeth found flesh, Alex gasped and once he started sucking, Alex sobbed loudly, twisting slippery as a fish but Ryland kept him steady, breathing hard through his nose as his arm coiled around Alex’s body, his palm pressed to the other man’s chest.

 

He was breathing much harder when he pulled away to admire the mark he left, licking the red-purple spot and feeling Alex tremble like an animal tamed. “Mmmm, how’s that?”

 

“Uh...m-more?”

 

Ryland purred again, kissing Alex’s neck delicately. “You want me to cover your pretty body with marks, baby doll?”

 

“Uh...heh, not _literally_ but-”

 

“Just a little bit?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay…”

 

He lowered his head again, skimming along to find the fleshier parts of Alex’s neck and shoulder, giving him nips here and there. He’d almost forgot he was fingering Alex and picked back up, pushing a little further in and withdrawing his finger. At the feeling of Alex’s muscles tightly squeezing around his digit, something in his stomach pulled just as hard. He really didn’t think it would be a problem but it started to dawn on him that because it had been so long since he had sex, he might not last that long if Alex was this responsive and tight. His attention strayed as he wondered if it was worth taking busting out his cock ring for when he felt Alex’s body lock against him.

 

“Hmmm? You okay?”

 

“Ah...it’s...a little...I’m a little sore, just-”

 

“OH...shit! Sorry!”

 

Hastier than he really meant to, he withdrew his finger and reapplied lube to his finger, carefully sliding it back in. “Better?”

 

“Uh...heh, yeah. Just...you acted like you left the oven on or something,” Alex snickered, which just made Ryland scowl slightly. 

 

“Yeah, well...I still haven’t found your prostate yet.”

 

Slowly, Alex looked over his shoulder at him with an almost suspiciously raised eyebrow. “You seem to know a lot about this.”

 

Still scowling, he rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well...I’ve...I’ve been pegged and stuff like that before. It’s no big deal.”

 

“Oh _really_?” Alex’s expression turned into a trollish grin and Ryland scoffed.

 

“Yeah, I mean...whatever! Like...sometimes I like to wear a buttplug when I’m jerking off. It’s not a big deal, just-”

 

“OH...and _you_ were giving _me_ a shit for using a Sharpie!”

 

“Yeah, because I use that to write with!” and broke off in a snort, kissing the bony curve of Alex’s shoulder. “Such a dirty boy…”

 

Alex made a noise caught between a giggle and a mewl. “Yeah, well...I’m _your_ dirty boy…”

 

Ryland let out a chuckle but said nothing as he crooked his finger into Alex, wriggling it up, searching. Again, his mind started to wander until he felt the rounded spot. He’d barely touched it with his fingertip when Alex let out a muffled noise with his face squished into the pillow, faintly trembling.

 

“Ohhh...Ryland…”

 

“Does that feel good?”

 

Alex nodded frantically and when he pressed his finger harder to the spot, Alex’s body heaved suddenly, his voice rising steeply and nearly hitting him the face as with his hair as Alex threw his head back.

 

“F...fuck...oh my fuck, fuuuck…”

 

“Oop. Found it,” he could help saying with a smirk, rubbing at the spot with coaxing movements, watching Alex clutch at the wrinkled sheets with a white-knuckled grip and then tugging at his erection carefully but rapidly. 

 

He bit his lips, watching the other man. “You ready for more?”

 

Panting, Alex nodded quickly. "Yes...god, _please_..." Alex's voice broke in a breathless squeak and he almost wanted to just forget the foreplay and shove himself balls deep into the other man. With Herculean restraint, he held back and deliberately lubed up his other finger. He withdrew the other finger and worked the two digits inside, already feeling the tight muscles strain around them.

 

"Is that good?" he asked and Alex answered with a whimper, hanging his head. "Okay...you're doing really good so far..."

 

"Yeah?"

 

He was started to push in deeper to find Alex's prostate again when he felt Alex gradually push back against him, impaling himself on his fingers and brushing his opened mouth with the curved of his back. His eyes widened, his breath all but taken away.

 

"Ah...A-ALEX."

 

Alex jerked his head over his shoulder to look at him. He already looked flushed and wanton but eyes were downturned with concern. "What? Did I do something wrong?"

 

"Uh...no...just...goddamn. I wasn't expecting that." He chuckled, curling his fingers up. "Mmmm. You love this, don't you?"

 

"Oh..." Alex's eyes shut, his mouth falling open. "Fuck yes." His lips curled into a private, naughty smile. "Your fingers are thicker than mine so...heh..."

 

Ryland hummed, remembering something Alex admitted to him. "So...do you _just_ sleep in my bed when I'm at work?"

 

Alex seemed to hesitate before he shook his head. "No...not always."

 

"Yeah?" He leaned over Alex's ear, letting his breath caress the open shell. "Do you... _touch_ yourself?"

 

He felt Alex's body rise slightly off the bed and gulp before saying in a tentative voice. "Yes. Su-sometimes."

 

He knew he couldn't go into a total D/s scene now, especially now so full of pent-up desire he might explode already, but if Alex was curious, he was fine giving him a little taste. "You know you shouldn't do that, baby boy." Almost on cue, he felt the nub of Alex's prostate and gave it a teasing stroke with his fingertips, emboldened by the gasp Alex let out. "Playing with yourself when Daddy's not home."

 

Alex squeezed his eyes shut. “Mmmph, I-I'm sorry, Daddy, please...please don't punish me..."

 

Ryland clucked his tongue. "Oh, I'm not going to punish you. I know you only wanted Daddy to play with you. Isn't that right, rag doll?" His fingertips pressed harder to Alex's prostate and he couldn't help his stomach bottom at the sob dragging hard out of Alex's lungs.

 

"Y-YE-Godfuck, YES!" Alex tossed his head, his hair falling disheveled over his face, nearly thrashing against him trying to fight against the sensations but completely caught in the web, unwilling to escape and dancing close to the intense pleasure like a moth to a flame. Ryland pursed his lips together. Yeah, I remember the first time a girl milked my prostate, he thought.

 

He didn't realize he was holding his breath just watching Alex start to come undone but exhaled. "You think you're ready?"

 

Alex sobbed again, lost. "Y-yes, sir, Daddy, whatever, just please-" Alex's voice broke in another high-pitched, breathless squeak and he passed his hand over Alex's side gently, feeling the shudder ripple across his skin at his touch.

 

He couldn’t help his lips pursing in satisfaction. God, Alex was just full of beautiful little surprises. "Just be patient, squeaker.”

 

He spread his fingers apart inside Alex and Alex yelped out his name, his palm smacking the top of the mattress hard.

 

He paused, blinking. "You good?"

 

Alex tried to catch his breath, swallowing. "Uh... _huuuh_. Just...oh my god, you’re...ha...stretching me out so much, dude."

 

"Oh." He couldn't help an evil smirk slip out, leaning down and purring into Alex's ear. "That's _nothin'_ . Just _wait_ 'til I get _done_ with you, baby."

 

Alex shuddered out a moan, reaching his hand down to tug at his erection as Ryland scissored his fingers, working his way all the day down until his fingers were out. Once they were out, Alex moaned hungrily, rolling over and grabbing him before languidly rubbing his warm and pliant naked body against his. 

 

"Ry, ry, PLEASE..."

 

Ryland breathlessly chuckled, kissing him. "God, you're like a cat in heat." He lightly dragged his teeth over Alex's soft lips, one hand resting on a spot on top of Alex’s thigh. "If I wasn't such a dumbass, we could have done this ages ago."

 

"Mmm, we'll...we're finally fuckin’ doing this now." Alex let out a shuddery breath that might have been a laugh but Ryland wasn't sure. "God, I want you so bad, I’m going fuckin’ crazy…”

 

Holding onto his back, he pressed his lips to the hickey on the side of the other man’s neck in a lingering kiss, relishing in the changed rhythm of Alex's breathing. "How do you want it?"

 

"Uh...fuck, don't ask me to think right now..."

 

"How about..." He kissed the sharp ridge of Alex's collar-bone. "...You ride me?"

 

He could feel Alex smile against his upper chest. "Oh. Mmmkay."

 

He gave Alex's bare side a pat so he'd move aside as he finally pulled off his boxers, turning to rummage in his bedside drawer for a condom until he could hear Alex clear his throat.

 

"Um...what are you doin'?"

 

"Huh? Looking for a condom..."

 

"Oh. Well...you don't _need_ one, do you? It's not like you're going to get me _pregnant_ or anything."

 

Ryland gave him a pointed look. "No, but-"

 

Alex winced and shook his head. "I know it's a little...irresponsible but...if it's been months since you'd had sex and I've never done it and you can't find one...I mean..." He shrugged, his lips twitching. "I...kinda wanted you to...heh...bust inside me for my first time."

 

His conscience protested to that idea but his cock didn't, giving a hard throb at the thought even though he used the word 'bust' like that. His cock won out by a slim margin, though. "I mean...okay? B-but! We're both getting tested as soon as possible, okay?"

 

"Sure," and he could tell Alex was trying to not look pleased with his little sexual manipulation and hoped that wouldn’t become a habit. If was, maybe he should remind him that behavior would get him punished in the future.

 

"Okay." As soon as he climbed back onto the bed, Alex scuttled aside as he sat down, putting one of his pillows against his back. He grabbed the bottle of lube, squirting out a handful and almost fainted at the shockingly cold wetness as he spread it over his over-eager cock. Swallowing the disorienting feeling that he might come already, he wiped his messy hand off on a sheet nearby, looking up to see Alex kneeling close by, his impatience betraying him with his wide hands rubbing the tops of his thighs and the expectant breaths expanding and contracting his narrow chest.

 

"Okay, ready?"

 

Alex's sleepy smile brightened with almost childish excitement. "Hell yeah. Heh, this time I actually know what to do."

 

"Hmm?" and then Ryland snickered once he got what Alex meant as he climbed on his lap. "Oh yeah. Hang on for a sec', sit up on your knees."

 

Alex did as he was asked as Ryland grasped his erection, putting another hand on Alex's hip to nudge him into position.

 

"Okay, I'm going to just push in a little and then you do the rest."

 

Alex's eyes went wide. "What, really? You sure?"

 

"Yeah, just go at your own pace. Whatever you can handle, alright?"

 

"Okay," Alex muttered, still unsure before he broke off into a soft chuckle. "I'm just afraid I'm not going to last that long."

 

Relief flooded him as he chuckled back.  "Honestly? I don't think I will either. I maybe lasted two and a half minutes my first time. But it's cool. You get a little better every time."

 

In his mind, he maybe took it as a given but he couldn't help feeling some of the pressure ease that this wouldn't be the last time. If it didn’t go well, they had the time to get better at it. There were so many things he wanted to show Alex eventually, including the stuff in his trunk.

 

Alex sharply sucked in a breath as Ryland rubbed the head of his dick along Alex's underside, feeling for the entrance and firming up his grip on Alex's side.

 

"Okay, ready. Once I'm in, push down, okay?"

 

Alex nodded, spreading his knees further apart and settling his hands on his shoulders before pulling away, lightly giggling. "Wow, you're like...super sweaty."

 

"Shut up," he said with a scowl but not especially angry or annoyed. He knew he sweated a lot. It was only because they were actually comfortable with each other that he didn't feel self-conscious getting completely naked. Even the women he dated that he actually liked, he either kept his shirt on or wore his sweat-wicking workout shirt. One girl making fun of his ‘moobs’ was something he didn’t want to risk repeating.

 

Despite his teasing, Alex settled his hands back onto his shoulders. Once he felt the pressure of Alex's sphincter, Alex lowered himself, the muscles giving way and opening around him. There was still resistance and Alex stilled his movements, his breathing now much deeper and more unsteady.

 

"Oh, my fuck...Ry, I don't know if I can handle anymore..."

 

Sighing, he took his clean hand and held the side of Alex's neck, guiding his face down for a kiss. "It's okay. You know you can actually lean back a little to move better." Carefully, he scooted forward so his back wasn't completely pressed against the damp pillow, spreading his legs behind him. "Just...do whatever you can. Make yourself feel good for me." Since it just occurred him, he added with a smirk. "Show me some of those pole dancing moves, baby."

 

Alex's lips twisted in a demure, self-conscious smile but he took one hand off his shoulders and leaned back, sliding further down his shaft and making him groan at the slick heat.

 

"Fuck," he breathed and spread his hand with awe over Alex's flank, greedily drinking in the way his slender body bent back, the muscles pulling him in; not hard enough, not fast enough but just a taste, hovering out of reach. A taste of something he'd wanted so bad but was only being fed nibbles of. "Fuck, you're amazing. God..."

 

"Yeah?" Alex murmured, leaning his head back, his curly hair cascading behind him like a waterfall from heaven.

 

"Fuck yes." Ryland groaned again as Alex lowered himself back down, just a fraction more than the last pass. "How does it feel?"

 

"Mmmm, soooo good. You're all warm and....mmm, slippery..." Alex's breath caught as he moved his hips in a circle. "Ohh my god..." and he shuddered out a low, pleased chuckle. "Fuuuck. I think that hit my p-spot."

 

Ryland frowned slightly. It wasn't a turn-off per se, just unexpectedly casual. "Uh, it's not called that but whatever."

 

Alex sputtered. "Pffft. Don't tell me what to do, BRO."

 

Ryland didn't honestly know whether he wanted to laugh out loud or not. He was fucking his roommate and he was STILL getting sassed by him. If he was actually in his element and doing a scene, that would be grounds for a spanking or some other kind of punishment but he let it slide. For now.

 

Just barely, he jerked his hips upwards and Alex jerked as well. For a second, Ryland thought Alex might lose his balance but he hung on, one hand braced behind him on his leg and the other still clinging to his sweaty shoulder.

 

Alex’s head lolled, his brown eyes hazy with pleasure. “Slower, Ry. I want...I wanna feel you…”

 

Ryland moaned faintly, reaching up to pull him down into a piercing kiss, trying to find the leverage to push up into the other man in the smoothest way possible and not split him in half as he grasped Alex’s hip. He groaned as Alex’s thin body shook. “Fuck. God, you’re so. fuckin’. _tight_.”

 

Alex groaned, pulling himself up and then back down. “Yeah? Am...am I tighter than Melanie? Or all those other girls?”

 

Ryland sighed. If he was more lucid, he might be in the position to say something about how Alex shouldn’t still have a chip on his shoulder about those other women or even just silently judge him for being that insecure about it but he didn’t care. There was a hint of a husky challenge to the other man’s voice that made him take the bait. “Yeah...sooo much tighter…” His sweaty hand gravitated down Alex’s slender thigh and grasped it for purchase as he thrust in deeper, throbbing at the moan of surprise it elicited from the other man. “Can you feel that? Feel how much I want you?”

 

Gasping, Alex struggled to get a better grip on his upper back, his hands slipping over his sweaty skin as Ryland guided him into a slow but regular rhythm.

 

Nestling his face against the hollow of Alex’s throat, he could feel his speech devolve into a steady stream of low, urgent encouragement as Alex slipped further and further down his shaft, gasping and panting incoherently as his body jerked and jolted with every impact the tip of his dick made with Alex’s apparently overly sensitive prostate, aware vaguely of the frantic movement of Alex’s hand as he jerked himself off, his knuckles occasionally brushing against his stomach as he started to pick up speed.

 

“Ry...I...think I’m…”

 

That was all the warning he got as he felt the hot spray of cum hit him square in the chest and following that, Alex’s inner muscles constrict around him even tighter than before as Alex threw his head back and groaned out loud.

 

“Jesus,” he muttered as he tried calming what was shaking through Alex's slight body as he tried to slip out of his grasp and continue to spurt his load onto him. Growling, he shored up his grip, his fingers digging into Alex's thighs as he tried to coast through the last stretch of his own release. Alex gasps were unraveling just above him as he rocked himself up harder and faster before his orgasm barreled through him like a runaway train, holding himself in as deep as he could go.

 

With a broken moan, Alex slumped bonelessly against his body as the flow of come slowed to a trickle from both of them, Ryland with a face full of Alex's sweet smelling bushy hair. Alex was still panting as he rose up, his whole body wobbling. Ryland didn't know if Alex was attempting to kiss him but was too out of it to find his mark but he snapped out of his languor as Alex's bony forehead came gently on his own and he slid down, chuckling out of breath.

 

“Holy shit. Now I know what that song means.”

 

Ryland spat Alex’s hair out of his mouth, trying to adjust Alex so he wasn’t completely draped onto him like a wet towel. “What song?”

 

“Uh, it goes ‘I just died in your arms tonight, must have been something I said…’something, something….”

 

Ryland snorted under his breath. “You’re being a bit dramatic, don’t you think?”

 

“Yeah, well...not literally, Ryland...fuckin’...let me...have this, okay?”

 

“Okay...I _did_ let you have a lot.”

 

Alex let out a low, husky chuckle. “Fuck yeah, you did. God, you creamed the shit out of me.”

 

Ryland's lips twisted, snorting under his breath. "Stupid," he muttered affectionately, holding the side of Alex's face and kissing him. "Can you stand? I'm gonna clean up."

 

Alex murmured, gripping Ryland's shoulders as he carefully pulled himself off with a hiss. He seemed to try to set himself down as gingerly possible but his weak joints made him fall back onto the bed with a laugh of surprise. "Shit!"

 

Ryland rolled over, smiling fondly at the other man. "You okay, man?" but Alex nodded.

 

"Yeah, just...heavy. Uh..." He paused to attempt to brush hair out of his face. "There are um...wipes in the bag."

 

"Oh." As Ryland stooped down to rummage in the plastic shopping bag, he muttered. "Did your _sugar daddy_ buy this for you too?", which just made Alex laugh.

 

"Oh my god, Ry! It's not like that!”

 

Ryland’s lips twisted in amusement. “Yeah, I know. I was just makin’ a joke.”

 

As he pulled open the package and carefully wiped off the cum, lube, and sweat collecting in a sticky mess around his crotch and the trail of cum off his chest, he turned to Alex, who was lying spread-eagle on the bed. His breathing was soft but still ragged. Where his messy curls didn't completely cover his face was flushed and Ryland couldn't help his spent cock pulse seeing the faint stickiness between his slender thighs.

 

He cleared his throat, crawling over and gingerly wiped off Alex's crotch, lightly dabbing the wipe between Alex's legs. Bending his body, Alex started to stir, rolling over and gazing at him with his hazel-brown eyes glazed, still simmering with desire.

 

"How do you feel?" Ryland asked.

 

Alex closed his eyes and smiled blissfully. "Hmm. Good. Sore but...good."

 

"Not...too sore, I hope."

 

Alex chuckled huskily. "Dude, like I have any fuckin' idea what the level of soreness is normal or not. Just..."

 

Ryland jolted as Alex's arms reached out to him.

 

"Hurry uuuup. I want you to snuggle with me."

 

"I..." Ryland chuckled. "In a sec. I have to...clean up and stuff."

 

Alex regarded him with sleepy skepticism. "Didn't you do that already?"

 

"No, I mean...towel off." He scowled slightly. "I hate that I get so fuckin' sweaty when I have sex. I never...well, almost never actually take all my clothes off when I do it..."

 

As he rose heavily off the bed to retrieve his towel off the back of the bedroom door, Alex murmured something he couldn't make out before huffing and he heard Alex's naked body rustle the covers. He knew it was stupid to have these body issues but some things were harder to change than others.

 

After he toweled off, he went into his dresser and pulled out a T-shirt and a pair of loose boxer briefs, not really looking at them. When he turned around to face Alex, he sat up and his eyes went wide.

 

"Dude-"

 

Ryland blinked. "What?"

 

"Your shirt."

 

"Huh?" He looked down. He really wasn't conscious of it but he was wearing the shirt Alex gave him, now much worse for wear. From being washed, the design had faded almost completely and the sleeves were cut off so he could actually fit it over his bulky arms and a notch cut in the neckline so he could actually slip it on without cutting off the circulation to his neck. "Oh, shit." Immediately, he thought Alex might have been mad he'd defaced his shirt, the shirt he gave him when they first met. "Dude, I'm sorry, I just...the sleeves were too tight so I cut 'em off and-"

 

Before he started to babble apologetically, Alex cut him off with a gentle laugh. "No, Ry, it's okay, I just...I didn't think you kept it after...after all this time."

 

"Oh. Yeah, it-" He ruffled his hair before making his way back to the bed, climbing on and laying beside the other man. "I kinda forgot. I wear it to the gym sometimes. It...makes me feel...strong."

 

Alex beamed at him, putting his arms around his neck. "It looks good on you like this. It makes you look like a...bad boy."

 

Ryland ducked his head, smiling sheepishly. "Yeah? You think so?"

 

"Yeah, definitely..."

 

As Alex nestled his body closer, his hand rested on the gentle curve of the other man's side as he buried his face in the crook of Alex's neck. He squeezed his eyes shut as they both held each other tightly. Just as he started to feel like he might start crying, he heard Alex sniff and sigh into his hair. 

 

"Dude, are you crying?"

 

Alex sniffled again, his hair tickling Ryland's neck as he nodded. "Uh huh. I'm just...so happy..."

 

Ryland grunted as Alex squeezed him tighter.

 

"Please...don't let me go..." he urgently whispered. "Don't...don't ever-"

 

"Alex." Gingerly, he pulled Alex away so he could look at his face, his heart cracking to pieces at the sight of Alex's hazel eyes overflowing with tears, shining trails streaming down his face. "I'd...never let you go. I CAN'T. I literally can't. You...mean too much to me." He shut his own eyes, feeling the sting of approaching tears as Alex cupped his cheek. "I thought...if I just made you happy as my friend that'd get rid of this...stupid crush, that maybe I was just confused or something but fuck, I...I've been so fuckin' stupid..."

 

"Ryland, it's okay. Stop beating yourself up over it. At least now I know it wasn't just me over-analyzing every little thing. Heh. Aren't you glad I talked you into going on this treasure hunt thing?"

 

"Yeah, you're a fucking genius." He was about to kiss Alex but he remembered something. "Actually, hang on for a second."

 

Unsteadily, Ryland got to his feet and went back into the living area and retrieved the bag from Barnes and Noble that he'd left on the table. When he came back into the bedroom, he handed it to Alex with a shrug. "This...I mean...happy Valentine's Day, dude."

 

Alex looked up at him and pulled the DVD out of the plastic bag and Ryland couldn't help his heart flip happily at the way Alex's face lit up as he took in the title on the DVD box.

 

" 'Female Prisoner Scorpion 701'? Ryland...you didn't have to-"

 

Ryland shrugged again, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I know but...the clue made me remember you really wanted to me watch that movie that night for some reason. Any...story behind it?"

 

"Uh..." Alex sighed in thought. "Well, kind of. My film studies professor had this thing, figured a lot of us were already familiar with Quentin Tarantino so he gave us extra credit to search out some of his film influences. That and 'Lady Snowblood' was under the influences for 'Kill Bill' so I tracked 'em down and yeah." Alex gave a small fond smile. "I don't know. It gave me a soft spot for Japanese cinema, that's all." He rolled his eyes and snickered. "It's not exactly a romantic movie, though. We'd be better off watching 'In the Realm of the Senses' if you wanted to get into a Valentine's Day mood."

 

Ryland scoffed. "So?" He closed his eyes and rolled over to his back, rubbing his hand over his face. "You want to know something sad?"

 

Alex leaned over and smiled at him. "Try me."

 

Ryland blew out a soft breath, rolling his eyes at himself. "Before...you moved in with me, I...bought some of those Godzilla movies and I'd get really...sentimental over it. Just watch them and think of you and wish you were there with me...n' stuff."

 

Alex screwed his face up cutely. "Aww, Ry...if you wanted to, you could have just called me over to do that."

 

"You say that I wasn't all fucked up over my crush on you."

 

"Uh, news flash: I was too. I mean, I didn't know what I was feeling was a crush or anything, really. I just wanted to spend time with you. Psh. Tell you about my stupid concept album even though it probably bored the shit out of you."

 

Ryland laughed. "Speaking of which..." He paused to rub a hand over his face. "Fuck, I can't believe...up until I actually saw you in my bed, I thought this whole thing was that you wanted to show me your concept album.”

 

“Oh...that old thing. Yeah, I’m...probably never gonna finish that. It’s way too...personal.”

 

Ryland raised an eyebrow. “ ‘Personal’?”

 

Alex smirked. “Dude, isn’t it obvious? I...wrote it about us. Well, the broad strokes of it. Though...to be fair, I disguised a lot of it. It was something I originally came up with in high school, actually. Listening to a lot of prog rock, reading a lot of Mobius and Druillet and European sci-fi comics. The rough versions of it were always kind of floating around in my head and then around the time we started hanging out, it was something I was always tinkering with. It didn’t occur to me until I mentioned it to my therapist about it that it was me in my own weird way trying to process my feelings about you, how...I felt like I didn’t know how to love or that what I was feeling was love and that it...sometimes it felt like you were hiding something from me. Plus I was really into "Metropolis" at the time and...at the time, it made sense in my head to make you some kind of unapproachable space princess. Like…” Alex rolled his eyes at himself. “No wonder my bandmates didn’t want to hear me go on about it. They probably saw right through it. Or they really just thought it was a load of ass-garbage."

 

Ryland scoffed. He found himself still not over how Alex's old bandmates screwed him out of a music career, even just a modest one. "Or they had no fuckin’ taste.”

 

“I mean...'Chrome Heart' wasn’t exactly gonna set the world on fire.”

 

“Well...I’d still want to hear it, finished. I...honestly liked hearing you talk about it.”

 

“Really?”

 

Ryland shrugged. “Yeah. I like hearing you talk about things you wanted to do and make and stuff. Even just talking about movie stuff. Your eyes would just light up and I'd get swept up in it. I wish I could be that passionate about...anything.” With a roll of his eyes, he added. “Except you, I guess.”

 

“You ‘guess’?!”

 

Ryland let out an ‘Ow!’ as Alex cuffed him in the chest, laughing and rubbing the spot where his hand made contact. “Dude!” Just as quickly, Alex leaned down onto him and kissed him sweetly, cupping his face.

 

“Mmm, I love you.”

 

“Love you too.” It felt weird to say that out loud and mean it. Not jokingly just as friends but more than that now. Much more.

 

They stayed like that for a while just holding each other and listening to each other breathe until Alex wiggled against him. "Hey, so...this might be a stupid question but should I...fold out the couch or-?"

 

"UH, NO," Ryland chuckled as he stroked Alex's smooth flank, giving him a brief kiss that couldn't even begin to cover his feelings for Alex. "You think I'm letting you go that easily?"

 

Alex smiled. "Good. This is much nicer than the couch." 

 

To make his point, Alex wiggled his body into a more comfortable position, tucking his head under Ryland's chin. As Alex settled against him, he felt a strange contentment permeate his body, something thought lost sliding into place, right where it was supposed to be.

 


End file.
